Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addictions

My heart sunk to my feet with guilt and disgust every time I completed my ritualistic viewing of pornographic material on the Internet while my extremely beautiful, faithful, loving wife would patiently wait for me to complete "my work" in the next room, never suspecting what I was up to. I lied to her an indefinite number of times in order to not only save myself, but to protect the lifestyle I was living. I always thought that I was in control, and that at any time I could stop. I soon discovered that this need to view explicit material controlled me, and not the other way around. When I had been caught for the last time and my wife threatened to leave, I finally sought help. The counselor I visited recommended this book, and it ended up being a life-changing experience. Every page of the book I read was like a snapshot of my life, detailing the loneliness I felt, the alienation and hurt I inflicted upon my wife, the damage I did to my relationship with her, the mixed signals and values I learned about sexuality from my parents at an early age, and the massive waste of time I spent on my addiction. The book even contains a section on Cybersex which takes a revealing look at how society is changing and being affected by this seemingly innocent passtime. If you are a person who suffers from this type of addiction or suspect you do, BUY THIS BOOK!!! For those of you who think you view online pornography without any consequences or without it having any influence on your life, BUY THIS BOOK!!! I am currently in the process of self-examining myself, trying desperately to save my marriage and regain my wife's trust, and reprioritizing my life. I owe a great deal of thanks to this book and to Dr. Patrick Carnes. THANK YOU, Dr. Carnes, for taking on a subject that no one wishes to discuss, and to help bring to light a type of addiction that society still finds difficult to accept as an illness instead of sheer perversion.

This pioneering effort by Patrick Carnes describes a four stage cycle of addiction which builds the addictive patterns. These steps are: 1) preoccupation, 2) ritualization, 3) compulsive sexual behavior, and 4) despair. Carnes defines these levels of addiction. The benefit to the reader is that it is an easy read for self-evaluation and/or for evaluating another's behavior. These stages or levels are conceptualized in terms of behavior, cultural standards, legal consequences, the victim's and the public's opinion of the addiction.The recovery process is connected to the diminishment of negative core beliefs with the replacement of positive core beliefs. The impact on and the recovery of the co-addict are defined with the starting point being that of acceptance of Step I --- being powerless.

Carnes has completely captured the mind of the sexual addict in minute detail. Disecting each and every action and thought explaining the reasons for and behind the behavior. For 22 years I lived and was married to a sexual addict and didn't know. I was in total denial. Finding out was the biggest shock and not knowing what to do. I was fortunate enough to be told about Patrick Carnes' book. I purchased the book online (so I wouldn't suffer the embarrassment of asking for it in a bookstore) and couldn't put it down. To be able to understand in a small way the "why" of my husbands behavior allows me to not feel so guilty or in some way responsible for his behavior. I never thought a book on this subject could be called fascinating--but it is just that. Each and every paragraph had something in it that hit home. He completely is able to analyze this behavior and explain the reasons without making the addict or co-addict feel less of a person. Although my husband and I are separated, I plan on passing this book on to him as he feels he can't beat this addiction. I am hoping this book will help him as it did me, to understand.

Sexual addiction has a profound impact on the partners and families of the addict. The road to recovery is a long hard journey as Dr. Carnes points out. For the partner of an addict, this book helps you understand that what you've been living with is NOT about you. You come to realize that this is a disease just as alcoholism is a disease. You learn what it's about, how it can progress if not treated and how recovery is a possibility. You also learn about co-addiction and the role you play in this insidious addiction. This book was a lifesaver for me and put me on the road to recovery from my own co-addiction.