Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion

Nonviolent communication is a very effective tool for anyone looking to create a bridge of understanding and establishing healthy boundaries through thoughts and words. It moves away from the aggressive, competitive and confrontational models that so many people learn from parents, in dysfunctional relationships and at work. My cousin took "Assertiveness Training" back in the 70s. She said that NVC though took that to the next level by introducing compassion, understanding and nonjudgment though observations, feelings, needs and requests. I've recommended this series to many people [including my cousin] and especially those who have problems with coworkers and bosses. I thought it amusing that even one of Dr Rosenberg's participants conceded that working with parents can be the biggest NVC challenge of all. Nonviolent communication may not be the solution, but it does help. One particular story Dr Rosenberg imparts among many is about how his grandmother -- a Jewish immigrant for whom English was a second language -- invited a homeless man into the house for a bit of food and rest. When she asked the man his name, he said, "Jesus the Lord." Without a hint of irony or judgment, the grandmother introduced the man to the rest of the family as Jesus. She fed him and gave him a place to stay without a second thought for his gruff appearance or his unusual name. In her own way, by living NVC everyday, she provided the framework for Dr Rosenberg's works. A few items to nitpick -- and by no means a slight or a reason not to buy the audiobook. In fact, go ahead and buy it now. Sometimes using NVC language can seem a bit stilted and unnatural. For example Dr Rosenberg often says the phrase, "This meets my need to..." It works in writing and even when Dr Rosenberg says it. But personally, it sounds stilted and just doesn't quite roll off the tongue for many of us. Instead, I personally say, "This works for me. Does this solution work for you?" Another nitpick: I paraphrase a bit but Dr Rosenberg gives one particular sentence as an example of violent communication: "Minorities don't take care of their property." Then he offers a nonviolent-communication example: "I've never seen the minority family down the street take out the trash." I wondered if bringing up that the family a "minority" is truly germaine. Is bringing up a source of division and stereotype such a race or nationality truly nonviolent or would it be more kind to refer to the family as "the Smith Family" or even as "the family two doors down"? Last small nitpick [and a bit of a spoiler]: Dr Rosenberg tells a compelling story of a patient who was uncommunicative and unresponsive due to severe psychological trauma. Dr Rosenberg describes how the woman finally broke through by writing a note to him in perfect NVC language. "Help me to express what is going on within me..." Not only did she become NVC fluent after 4 or 5 treatments, but she had the fine motor skills to write this out. S

A very simple and basic approach to communicating with anyone and everyone! Helps to build/restore self-peace through recognizing our shared needs. These are the very needs that allow us to give empathy and spirtually connect!

Featured Book - "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B.Rosenberg, Ph.D.This book's full title is "Nonviolent Communication: A Languageof Compassion." It was brought to my attention by the founders ofmy sons' school, and for that I thank them. This book explainsRosenberg's philosophy and model for communicating with others ina compassionate, nonviolent way. It explores the profoundsubtleties of the messages behind the words we use, and examineshow to listen, truly listen, to the messages being sent to us bythe people we communicate with, as well as the messages we aresending.In Chapter 1 Rosenberg begins, "Believing that it is our natureto enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I havebeen preoccupied most of my life with two questions. What happensto disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us tobehave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allowssome people to stay connected to their compassionate nature undereven the most trying circumstances?"The Nonviolent Communication ("NVC") model's main precept is totrain oneself to focus carefully on words as they're received,and to examine the speaker's feelings and needs, along with one'sown, in a nonjudgmental way. The model is comprised of fourcomponents: observation, feelings, needs, and request. The nextlevel of engagement involves expressing oneself honestly usingthe four components, and receiving empathically using the fourcomponents. I'll leave the details for your reading pleasure;Rosenberg does an excellent job of walking through the model, itstheory and history, its application, and its potential forprofound and positive change. His writing style is engaging,friendly, straightforward, and sincere. He relates his ownexperiences as a youth, a clinical psychologist, and his manyworld-wide efforts to promote nonviolent resolution of disputesand conflicts, thereby providing a good balance between theoryand examples of NVC in action.Rosenberg's NVC model works in both directions of humancommunication: us listening compassionately, and us speakingcompassionately. NVC can be applied in any communicationscenario, whether with a child, significant other, sibling,parent, business partner, client, neighbor, stranger... anyoneand everyone you communicate with.I highly recommend this book to you. The NVC tools andRosenberg's insights assist me every day, and have profoundlyenriched my interpersonal communications.

This is the easiest to follow 'how to' book that I've read. I must say that the first time I composed a total NVC sentence in response to something my daughter had done, I was thrilled with the silence with which she responded. It was like she totally heard what I said. The premises from which Rosenburg starts are that compassion is a basic human state and that the specific process we use in communicating can make all the difference in how our message is received. Rosenberg says, " When we use NVC in our interactions--with ourselves, with an other person, or in a group--we become grounded in our natural state of compassion. NVC is an approach that can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations from self-talk to international politics. Rosenberg states that there is nothing new in the NVC process; that it is to remind us about what we already know about relating to each other and to show us how to live in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge. "Through its emphasis on deep listening--to ourselves as well as others--NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart."The NVC model for communications includes: observing, without judgement, actions that effect our well-being, stating our feelings as we observe the action, saying what needs, values, desires are connected to the feelings, and requesting the concrete actions we would like. For most of us it is difficult to make observations of people and their behavior that is free of judgement, criticism or analysis. When we include evaluation in observations people often hear us as criticizing them. What's more if our internal language doesn't clearly distinguish between, on one hand, the values we hold and, on the other hand, the objective descriptions of other's behaviors' we're troubled by, even our internal self-talk creates a dyanmic that makes communication difficult and conflict likely. For the second component of the model many people he suggests it's valuable to increase our vocabulary in the area of feelings and emotions, NOT to be came diagnositicians or (on the other hand) to become pools of emotions, but to use them to get connected with our needs, and to convey our needs to others in a way that our vulnerability makes it easier for others to hear us. In short, that, along with clearity what we want from others, clarity about where we're comming from emotinally enhances connections between people. Next he suggests we need to learn about our own needs. We're usually all pretty good at thinking about what's wrong with others. So, for example, if we want tools to be put back, we may characterize our children as "lazy" for leaving them about. The fourth component of the model is learning how to express what we would like in a way in which others are more likely to respond compassionately. (In other words -- how to make effective requests.) We al