My Lover, Myself: Self-Discovery Through Relationship

You know as well as I do, that every author in this field has the magic "phrase", "touch", or "plan", even to the point of describing men and women as coming from different planets. And in these works, a lot of blame is foisted on environment, upbringing, etc. What is refreshing about Kantor's explanation and experiences, is that the truth seems nothing more than what YOU feel and what YOU expect to feel about YOUR life and the relations YOU make within it. Face it, you've been betrayed as a child, you have expectations on how to recover from that betrayal, and you want your partner to represent that Hero who will rescue you from that situation so it never happens again. Unlike other works, he doesn't dwell on the mysticism of it all. He gives his diagnoses in frank, straightforward prose. I appreciated this approach.I really liked Kantors questions on how to start to reveal your betrayals and your expectations to yourself. To get you thinking about your distant past, your relationship with your parents, he has you remember not only what your parents did or said to you, but how you remember them smelling. Wow, this is powerful stuff. Having written that, I believe you have to be in the right frame of mind to get anything out of this book. I mean, a closed mind is closed and reading this work won't open it. For those suspecting that they can do better with their partners or even the people around them, and needing a new path to explore, dive in to this pool. The water is fine.

"The couples to whom I have recommended this book all had a similar response after reading it: they identified with the couples and the issues described in the book, went through an initial crisis, and as a result of that crisis had a major breakthrough in their relationship leading to a much deeper understanding of each other's myths, more compassion for each other, a renewed commitment to their relationship and a more satisfying, passionate sex life. I will certainly continue to recommend Dr. Kantor's book to the couples I am working with, my students, and my colleagues. -Ulrike Dettling, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Arlington Reiki Associates

David Kantor is a founder of family therapy and one of its brightest lights. In this book he offers a compelling conceptual schema for understanding yourself and your relationships -- your potential and your dark side, and how to manage them. And he does it in a compelling narrative of real-life stories that is impossible to put down. Bruce Patton, co-author of Difficult Conversations and Getting to YES.

(The following is a letter to the author from Vic Walter, author of "The Voice of Manush", "Placeways", and "Terror and Resistance".)Dear David, Some books are savvy but not wise. Others have wisdom but little savvy. MY LOVER, MYSELF has both savvy and wisdom. I'm testing the word "brilliant", but must qualify it--some brilliant books are bright on the surface, like a flash bulb, but yours is a lighthouse. It illuminates Stygian darkness, as you are fond of saying, not only the Stygian opacity of bewildered couples grappling in the dark, but also the Cimmerian gloom of our culture, which guarantees ignorance in the pursuit of bliss. Durable relationships are enormously complex, you demonstrate, and you proceed to make them intelligible. The tone of the book is perfect- cheerful and optimistic, tempting the reader to believe the daunting task of loving mindfully might be a pleasure. You are one of the most confident and successful people I know, and that spirit pervades the writing. It's an important book David, and I think it will be studied and talked about for a long time. Your way of being a bystander is not as a passive observer. You are an active member in hundreds of struggles, actively feeling their yearnings, participating with love and confidence. I found many of the cases moving, and more than once they brought me to tears. This is a generous book, a gift to the reader. You speak from abundance, and in these pages your wealth of experience is a treasure. The book is lucid and eloquent, well paced and a pleasure to read. -Vic Walter

This is the first book I have ever read that goes beyond the usual relationship book and tells us things like why we choose the lovers we do, why we all have that terrible experience of having the scales fall from our eyes sometime in the first couple of years and what to do to protect the marriage and especially sex. Kantor assures readers that this stage of disillusionment is inevitable and that it's how we use our disillusionment that makes the difference. I like his case histories. They're very detailed and I can relate to the people. I alo liked the couple of short stories at the end. What a neat way to show how his technique works from beginning to end.