My God and I: A Spiritual Memoir

Lewis Smedes, long time and much loved professor of Fuller Theological Seminary, finished this short memoir just before his untimely death on December 19, 2002, at the age of 81. Thank God he did. Smedes was a rare person who combined a number of important traits that most of us can only hope to emulate--scholarly erudition, a deep empathy for the ambiguities of the human condition, a passionate Christian faith, the heart of a pastor, and superb skills in writing for the average person on the street and in the pew. His book Forgive and Forget; Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, for example, sold over a million copies, and unlike many popular Christian books, his had important things to say. In twenty-seven short, crisp chapters (about 7-8 pages each), Smedes takes us through the successive stages of his life journey, beginning with his grandparents and ending with his retirement years. Smedes struggled with faith. I am reminded of the wag who observed, "my faith does not seem to be very strong, but it appears to be permanent." In his final chapter he affirms the dreams that he maintained to the end, what I would call kingdom hopes--of a world without HIV, of children who do not go to bed hungry, and so on. He also affirms his deep and passionate desire for these things to come true. But his faith, he writes, was always "laden with doubts" because of the huge disparity between that for which we hope and the realities that we see and experience. At the end, writes Smedes, he found himself "at the station called hope." And what better testimony than to write that "I liked the last miles of the journey better than the first. But, since I could not have the ending without first having the beginning, I thank God for getting me going and bringing me home. And sticking with me all the way" (p. 178).

My God and I is the memoir of Lewis Smedes, bestselling author and long-time professor of ethics and theology at Fuller Seminary. It was published in 2003, just months after Smedes' death at age 81, and contains reflections on all periods of his life, including right up to the time of his death. This little book has it all: anecdotes about famous Christians such as Karl Barth and C.S. Lewis, reflections on growing up during the Great Depression, insight into the fundamentalism of Moody Bible Institute and life at Calvin College and Fuller Seminary, the hardship of writing, struggles with children and depression, dealing with loss, and even a reference to masturbation, all told in an epigrammatic style and salted with a self-effacing humor. An example of this humor and style is his relating of a particularly painful episode of depression, which was so bad that he stopped preaching and isolated himself in a cabin in Puget Sound. But, in the middle of this depression, when he thought all was lost, God broke through to him, and Smedes imagined God saying to him, "I will never let you fall. I will always hold you up." Smedes goes on to write, "Never before had I been so suddenly released from the devil of despair. Never before had I known such an amazing grace. Never before such elation." And then, when the reader has just read these words and believes that Smedes has been miraculously cured of his depression, he continues on with these final words on the subject: "I have not been neurotically depressed since that day, though I must, to be honest, tell you that God also comes to me each morning and offers me a 20-milligram capsule of Prozac. With this medication he clears the garbage that accumulates in the canals of my brain overnight and gives me a chance to get a fresh morning start. I swallow every capsule with gratitude to God." The above vignette is funny. But it is also wise. And in the end, it is the wisdom contained in this little book that makes it impossible to put down. It displays, on page after page, the soul of a man who had a mature understanding of life that few have attained, even as octogenarians. Smedes offers few answers in this book, but the wise seldom do. Instead, he offers us clarity about what is important in life; he shows us what the right questions are. For all of his repeated claims of insecurity, his writing reveals a soul secure in the knowledge of itself, and that rarest of all commodities-a life well-lived. My God and I gave me a glimpse of a man I would have liked to have known, and left me feeling as if I did. Thanks, Dr. Smedes, for this book.

Once in a while a writer opens their soul so they can touch ours. My God and I is memoir with theological depth. Lewis Smedes shares his wounds with forward movement. He reminds us that we all have wounds, but how have they and will they shape us. I am thankful for his constant reminder that God is present, even if we can't or don't want to believe it.

I am shame for myself for almost 30 years because my grade is bad and leave the school.I lost any confidence about myself(this is the tragedy of Taiwan's students).Thank God, He save me in this very moment,and lead me to work at Literature Department of Campus Evangelical Fellowship in Taiwan.in here I read the chinese dition of Dr.Lewis B.Smedes's works,He encourage me to discern the difference between sin and shame, healing me gradually,release me from accusation from my own heart.Just receive the grace of God,forgive and forget is the best way to face the past,hold God' promises is the best way to face today and uncertain future.This is especially true for me,and now I realize this is a spiritual warfare.only by God's grace can I live modestly and happily.I thank Dr.Lewis B.Smedes so much that I want to interview him personally.unfortunely, He was die last year's December,but I more precious his work,because he still speak to me with his works.comfort me through his gentle words and remind me the life of Christian is a warfare, need to take up the whole armor of God.Thank you so much. I miss you, Dear Dr. Lewis B. Smedes.