Reclaiming Our Daughters (Previously Published as My Girl): What Parenting a Pre-Teen Taught Me about Real Girls

Of all the parent-child relationships the mother-daughter is the most difficult. Neither mother-son nor father-either one causes nearly as much trouble. Being a mere male, I mostly watched while my wife and daughter fought (rather unsuccessfully) to establish a changing relationship. In this book Karen Stabiner lives through the years when her daughter is from ten to fourteen years old. Karen is pre-warned of the impending troubles and is able to counter most of them. One of her quotes is "Even when its difficult, the onus is on the mother to be an adult." She's right about that. This is a delightful book about one woman, one child making it through those years. It has a definite ring of truth. To be sure they had a lot more money to do things like a lengthy vacation in Italy, but what they're really saying is spending the time together. We did things like vacation trips to places like Lake Louise in Canada, camping out on the way. The problem with this book is that it ends when the kid is 14. Perhaps this is just book 1. Still ahead is dating, sex, drinking, pot ... And oh yes, the drivers license.

What a relief, that someone has finally thought to write about the majority of moms and girls. Karen Stabiner is tired of the bad girl stereotype and it seems most of our daughthers are too. Stabiner shows us another way to get along, based on her experience with her daughter Sarah and other moms and daughters. And she talks to researchers who feel that their findings have been misstated by the media. Some girls have genuine problems, but it's unfair to the rest to expect a disaster. Why decide to be miserable when there are clearly other options? Funny, honest, a great read.

"Look at that," Karen Stabiner has always proclaimed proudly regarding her daughter Sarah's first smile, word, step, and other milestones. In MY GIRL, she sets out, in the same spirit of awe and respect, to record her life with Sarah, from the age of ten to fourteen. As Sarah approaches the tween stage, Stabiner does not believe the "universal truth" that living with an adolescent daughter is misery. She chooses to believe instead the many mothers who confide in her that they take great pleasure in their young daughters. Refreshingly and reassuringly, Stabiner passionately proclaims that most girls are not in trouble. She reminds us that a majority of adolescent girls do not have an eating disorder, low self-esteem, or depression. Most mothers and daughters enjoy each other's company. However, Stabiner is realistic. She knows there will be spats and hard feelings as her daughter grows up, as there are in any relationship. She seeks only to avoid long-lasting smoldering resentments. We vicariously share the many small and large moments between mother and daughter. Stabiner agonizes over a call home during a business trip alone, in which Sarah asks if they can both stay on the line all night. There are high points to be remembered with joy and low points from which to learn during a mother/daughter trip to Italy. Stabiner and her husband decide whether or not to buy the too-expensive horse of Sarah's dreams. Mile markers of change appear as time rolls by. Sarah no longer asks for a nightlight, and she starts saying "Mom" instead of "Mommy." As poignant as these signs are, Stabiner ponders that they happened imperceptibly --- she notices many changes only in retrospect. However, what she remembers and reflects on is stunning in its detail and scope. "We raise them to go away from us," Stabiner's friend and fellow mom, Annette, tells her. That theme of letting go --- how necessary and how difficult it is --- threads through the book. When Stabiner speaks of the parental obligation to allow their children to stumble (and sometimes to fall) in order to learn to be independent, she says ruefully, "It was our job to sit still, even as it was our instinct to rush forward." The author lays down her own life with her daughter for us to enjoy and contemplate, while also placing it in society's larger picture. She includes facts about families and research on adolescent girls. She also reflects on her relationship with her own parents, and Sarah's connection with her father. The science and flashbacks are seamlessly woven into the narrative. From first page to last, Karen and Sarah's story is pure pleasure, guaranteed to make you smile, laugh, and also cry. MY GIRL gives us a fascinating glimpse into a loving relationship and offers an important message of hope. Very highly recommended. --- Reviewed by Terry Miller Shannon ([email protected])

Ms. Stabiner writes that she was motivated to write this book by all the media attention to girls turning bad when they hit puberty. The result is a refreshing, and wonderfully written, memoir using her life with her daughter, buttressed by her research, to show that the vast majority of girls do quite well, thank you. Not that the journey is an easy one for parent or child -- but we all have a responsibility not to anticipate the worst.

I loved this book!!!! Couldn't put it down. It took me back to when I raised my daughter (now 26) and I chuckled through it all--calling her to recall that time in our lives and how are relationship continues to grow each and every day. Stabiner weaves a great story that rings so true. Amazing what a strong foundation does to a mother-daughter relationship. The author and her daughter Sarah have just begun the adventure and the best is yet to come. I speak as a mom who has been there and done that and look back at the early time with great joy. I would not trade it for a minute! Don't miss this read and share it with your friends!!