Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior

As a career reference librarian, I have answered probably several thousand inquiries from the public regarding the details of wedding invitations and condolence letters, and whether you're "allowed" to wear white shoes in months with an "R." Those are just "etiquette" questions and most of them I can answer from Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt -- but for the rationale behind *manners,* I turn always to Judith Martin, the leading authority on civilized behavior for a quarter-century, combining sometimes starchy asperity with a home-grown love of American democracy and classlessness. Who else could lay out so lovingly the rules for a formal dinner à la russe, followed by thoroughly sensible guidelines for the civilized use of cell phones, email, and instant-messaging? And you won't find her wishy-washing when it comes to inviting same-sex couples to dinner or organizing a shower for an unwed mother; to her, people are people and all are deserving of polite treatment, if not always respect. And her dry wit, as always, is a quotable marvel.

Shape up, America! Miss Manners (a/k/a Judith Martin) is back with a fresh updating of the original MISS MANNERS' GUIDE TO EXCRUCIATINGLY CORRECT BEHAVIOR from the 1970s. And she lays down the law -- only when necessary. She's more interested in deriving principles of correct behavior for everyday life; yet somehow her writings still manage to hold the conceit that the writer is just a little old mid-Victorian lady, quietly sobbing in her lace handkerchief over some new egregious violation of the canons of etiquette. In short, Judith Martin is more pragmatic than many people give her credit for. People who want only to "do the right thing," wedding-wise, are sometimes unfortunately in thrall to the stereotype of a Hollywood film wedding, "circa 1948." If the numbers and relative sizes of the ushers don't match those of the bridesmaids, well, better to work something out than adhere to a strict model that was idealistic and perhaps a touch bogus to begin with. Miss Manners is against all this "pseudo socializing" at work, especially when people get nickled-and-dimed to death for gift recipients they barely know; but she's for uniforms on kids because otherwise they would look "so drearily alike" in their t-shirts, jeans and sneakers. She's against the kind of complicated and expensive stationery kit that bills itself a "stationery wardrobe"; note cards and letterhead are plenty for most of us, she avers, and don't waste money on preprinted "thank you" cards. Soon-to-be-married couples who suggest that they prefer money to presents deserve neither, in her estimation, especially if it's a second marriage. And she makes each case -- and so many others -- with ironclad logic and penetrating wit. I must take gentle exception to the feeling that the advice in this book is more suitable to the Fifties than nowadays. Miss Manners deals quite well with blended families, moms-at-work, e-mail etiquette and other modern-manner topics. She correctly identifies the kind of clothing that today counts as "formal," in varying degrees, and depending on time of day. (A tuxedo is not necessarily "less formal" than a cutaway, it doesn't compete with the former because one is for day, one for night.) Yes, she tells how to serve "a la Russe" for fantastic multi-course dinners, but she gets the basics down first. There are definitely times when the humor is so tongue-in-cheek it sounds almost like a parody of those very strict etiquette guides so prominent in American life between the 1920s and the 1960s, but she invites us to laugh along. This book is a great bargain and will serve as a complete guide for most Americans (well, almost, riding-to-hounds isn't dealt with, but I said "most" Americans). The extra zing from the humor and occasional high dudgeon of Judith Martin's alter ego make the trip all the more enjoyable. About half the text of the original 1970s EXCRUCIATINGLY CORRECT book is extant, but updated so carefully that I never felt we

Times have changed. We're now in an age of technology with a whole new set of etiquette problems to solve. It seems as though people don't care about manners anymore, codes of conduct relegated to a lost century, like men sporting hats and women in white gloves. But Miss Manners (Judith Martin) is hanging tough, refusing to give in to such lackadaisical attitudes. She's dusted off that old rule book and swept away the cobwebs, offering humorous, often hilarious, common-sense advice to anyone seeking help. There is no topic Miss Manners won't discuss, although often with a quirky retort that makes you smile, as she tackles every possible topic, including children's manners, basic courtesy for all ages, conversation (especially on those ubiquitous cell phones!), houseguests, rites of passage, engagements and weddings, employment interviews, invitation etiquette, life after divorce and even bereavement. There is virtually no problem ignored and help for every etiquette concern. Let's face it, life has gotten complicated the last few years. It's a real comfort to have this impressive volume, over 800 pages, of Miss Manner's guidance on the family bookshelf. "Etiquette is not for amateurs" and Miss Manners is adamant about the difference between "being pushy and being a pushover". How do you respond appropriately when having lunch with a "friend" who talks on a cell phone all through the meal? Is it all right to send a thank you note via email? The truth is, we're all in this together. The only reasonable thing to do is treat each other respectfully and resolve those irritating little behavioral problems we all share. Like a favorite non-judgmental aunt, Miss Manners offers her insightful suggestions, guaranteed to save wear and tear on our already fragile psyches. Luan Gaines/2005.

This is most certainly NOT Emily Post at work here.Miss Manners is excrutiatingly correct and absolutely thorough in this best of all the entries in her series of books. But even if you don't care about Proper Behavior, this book is a great read. Miss Manners is a great writer; her work is pointed, sharp and funny. She has the gift of making me laugh out loud as I read about matters that I don't even care much about, and hardly a chapter went by without my learning something useful.Someone wisely chose to include letters written to her column; it's in her byplay with her readers that she shines brightest. A great read for any fans of fine, tight column writing, no matter what the subject.

Miss Manners combines wit and heavy information to make a winning solution and a book that you can't put down. (Unless you have company of course, not putting it down could result in an ettiquette faux-pas!) A marvelous writer, this book should be read by all. Maybe then then world could operate in a more gracious manner.