Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt

Wow. And all of these years I thought I was the only one. I haven't even finished it yet & I cannot put into words how much relief & validation I feel already. Within the first three chapters I felt the validation. She mentioned every single result I have from my experience with my mother "low, LOW self-esteem", "self-doubt" and the fact that I have continuously attracted "her" & that relationship back into my life - which has wreaked so much hurt & pain. When I married my EX-husband at the age of 22 even though I couldn't eat for months leading up to the wedding because of the anxiety & stress & doubts I had, my friends used to think I was kidding when I would say "I cannot believe I married my mother" - but I was being completely honest. But then I would sabotage every good relationship that came along ... because of that self-loathsome she instilled in me. Another point I felt the most validation is when Ms. Streep listed the points about the denial on the mother's part of saying, doing or acting ways that were so hateful - even when there were WITNESSES. My friends to this day will apologize first, then proceed t tell me "your mother is poison". All of it, I could have written this book! THANK YOU, thank you, thank you for putting this into the written word. Oh, and the description of the fathers that deny it, or side with the wife even when the obvious is staring at them ... oh, the hurt we little girls feel when we grow into women and realize our dads enabled it to go on ... & they simplify it by saying it's a 'personality conflict'. I disagree with one of the other positive reviews on here, she wrote that you do not need to read this if you grew up with a loving mother in a loving family - I think everyone should read it, it may explain why that friend they have that is sweet, smart, overly considerate of others to a fault, beautiful, educated - and so much more, has not lived up to her full potential. AND if you have witnesses others with mothers like this, give this book as a gift -it may be the validation they need, so they may finally let go & know in their hearts they are not bad & did not 'do' anything to deserve the lack of love & abuse they recieved form the one person that everyone says 'loves you the most'. I have always had the support & acknowledgement of my two brothers - but I am sending them each this book so they can see it & feel it & KNOW it is not just me, it is a sickness.

This book is written not by a psychologist who studies mother-daughter relationships, but by a woman who herself was a daughter of an unloving mother. She knows the subject firsthand. It was very helpful to realize that there are plenty of women who experienced a life with an unloving mother. The author talks about many aspects of dealing with such a mother (she does not have to be abusive in any way to be classified as unloving. Providing food, clothing and a roof over child's head does not instantly make one a good mother). She also discusses the effects growing up with a mother who is incapable of loving her daughter has on a woman. All that is set in the context of other family relationships (father, siblings) and dynamics. The book does concentrate on mother-daughter relationship simply because the author writes about her own experience as a daughter (and a mother herself) and other women's experiences she can relate to. As a woman myself I can relate to that also. The chapter about the myth of mother's love we have in our culture was very informative. It is a very insightful book that put some things in perspective and allowed for a deeper understanding of the subject. Not everything applies to everyone, each mother-daughter relationship is unique, but the author's observations and detailed examples were very useful. It is not an attack on motherhood and she does not say that if a mother disciplines her child she is a bad mother. A loving mother does discipline her children, an unloving mother, on the other hand, constantly criticizes, embarrasses, makes her daughter feel bad about herself, and treats her daughters as an extension of herself. The book ended on a positive note that a woman can be free from the unhealthy relationship with her own mother and does not have to repeat her mother's mistakes. I would recommend this book to any woman whose relationship with her mother is and always has been difficult and painful.

This book spoke to me like no other. For the first time, I felt my story had been told and I'd been heard. You don't have to have had a Mean Mother to appreciate the findings in this book. Peg Streep presents a balanced look at the issue with stories from women whose experiences share a common thread, yet are unique to the individual, while backing up her findings with the science that helps explain this phenomenon. And there's hope. I am the product of a mean mother. I am now caring for her in her old age. I have also raised two of my own daughters in a most loving environment. I can now look at my childhood and know that my success as a parent is, in part, due to the pain that I suffered and vowed not to repeat. My hope is that this book will open up dialogues among society, and women in particular, that will help us understand, accept and heal the wounds so many have suffered. This is one book that will be kept as a reference for the healing hug and empowerment I never got from my mother.

Streep tackles a topic that many people have trouble accepting: the notion that some mothers just are not loving, caring people. Some are emotionally distant. Some are just plain mean. What does a daughter do when she realizes her mother doesn't like her? It seems to be the psychological equivalent of getting a dog you don't want and leaving the dog in the yard. Some women move past the experience while others seem to be stuck. I suspect the phenomenon is more common than many people realize. When I was in college, several of my friends had mean mothers. It was hard to watch their interaction. Streep handles this sensitive topic well. She describes her own experience just enough to show that she's been there, without forcing the reader to get caught up in the author's life. She tells stories of women who have been through this experience. Some were able to "divorce" their mothers but others took care of their moms as they aged. What's missing is more about how women grow past this experience of having lived with a mom who didn't want them. She talks about the experience of becoming a mother, but I wonder how many women with "mean moms" opted not to have children. Since the topic is such a taboo, I wonder if psychotherapists tend to be judgmental as well. Overall, though, the book is well written. The author deserves credit for handling this topic. I think many readers wll relate to her examples.