Making Love Again: Hope for Couples Facing Loss of Sexual Intimacy

This book is written by a husband and wife who continue to experience permanent impotence as a result of prostate cancer sugery. The book is structured like a "diary" with dated entires over a several-year period written separately by both husband and wife who are honest about their fears, disappointments and frustrations. It does not dwell on the surgery itself, but focuses on the post-surgical successes and disappointments as they try to engage in sexual relations using various options. It focuses on the loving relationship between the spouses, but it is also realistic about sexual needs -- from both partners' perspectives. My husband is a young 65 and I am 46; we read this book out loud together about 9 months post-prostatectomy surgery, and it was tremendously helpful to both of us. After the surgery, the doctor had told us that impotence was unlikely in our situation, so we were not prepared for it. The book was particularly helpful with dealing with the disappointment we both felt in this regard. The book also helped us to see that most couples have to struggle with several alternatives for intimacy over a lengthy period and that not every option works for every couple. The book was not at all preachy, but instead was subtly encouraging to my husband to be open to trying a wide variety of options that we probably would not have considered otherwise. (It does not suggest anything kinky). It gave us information that allowed us to resume [drug-induced] intercourse, which we believed was physically impossible. A big relevation for me was that impotency is not always an "all or nothing" concept. I had no idea how discouraging it can be for a male who simply doesn't know whether he can or cannot physically perform -- or whether he will ever be able to. The theme of the book is not to quit looking for satisfactory ways to experience intimacy and sexuality -- whatever that may look like in your personal situation. It does discuss a very intimate topic, but it does so in an honest way and it was not as difficult to read outloud together as I had expected. It gave us detailed information that we did not know and that we would never have felt comfortable asking for from our physician. Having read the book, we knew what the doctor was talking about when he suggested various options. I definitely recommend this book, regardless of the reason for the impotence issues. I think it would be most useful for a couple -- it is written by and for heterosexual couples, but it would be equally applicable to homosexual couples as well. In my opinion, the book would be less useful for singles, although it could be helpful for a single female who is considering or is in a relationship with a male with impotence issues.

14 years after my husband's first diagnosis of prostate cancer I learned several facts in this book, but, most important, for the first time it has made me begin to believe that things CAN be different for us if we both choose to work at it.Diagnosis. Treatment he chose and I said I'd support was radiation and we *thought* we'd been told about all the possible longterm effects. NOT SO! Six years later I saw a vital, athletic, physical man feeling totally becoming afraid of, tense about, uninterested in our previously-fabulous sex life. Finally, this week when I read this book, we learned that some impotence develops much later from radiation than from surgery, but it *will* develop!Then depression. Deep. Sullen. Withdrawal from interests and from me. Our physician prescribed medication and counseling. The counselor saw him *once* and said, "Go home and don't be so passive!" Flat, flat affect. No joy. But he kept *trying*, bless him!Then four years ago recurrence! It took my husbandover 6 months to choose a treatment and he only did so then because our doctor and I insisted on it! Surgery. At our city's outstanding cancer center. SUCCESS. His PSA is undetectable. He does have some mild incontinece.The surgery team introduced us to Muse. It worked 90% for us and the team was very excited for us. We used it once. Once in 3 1/2 years! From then on my husband has just refused to act on sex, talk about sex.I've tried everything. I've begged my husband to return to the team and ask them for direction. He couldn't bring himself to do that. We grew farther and farther apart. My heart was breaking. I felt unattractive and sad and rejected.Last week I read this book. I finished it in two sittings. And I was deeply touched and am now full of hope and new courage. When I handed it to my husband I only said that it was the most important thing that has happened to us in 14 years. I said it has touched me deeply and asked him to read it this week so we can discuss it next weekend. He promised he will read it tonight.....but, interestingly, he has gone to bed early not feeling well. Whether it's another "avoiding" or a real headache I won't know but a few days. But I really believe that when he does read it he will see he's not alone. He'll see we are not alone. Right now I'm going to order several copies. I'll give one to each of our adult children so they'll know where we've been in our marriage. One will go to our surgery team to share with patients. Another will go to our family doctor so she can read it and have more personal knowledge of what prostate couples go through.This is one of the five most important books in my life.

For Virginia the decision seemed easy, Keith's fear of becoming impotent from the prostatectomy was irrational in relation to the possibility of dying. How could he even think that being able to have sex was as important as living? For Keith the decision was not as easy. With his male ego wrapped up in the decision and the importance of being able to have sex with his wife it just was not as simple. After deciding in favor of the operation there was a lot of adjustments to be made and Virginia found that things were a lot more complex than she had imagined. In "Making Love Again", Virginia and Keith Laken invite the reader into their personal lives and the difficulties they faced as a result of his prostatectomy. Their thoughts, fears, hopes, and disappointments are laid bare to the reader as they openly discuss deeply personal questions and feelings. If you ever wanted to know what it is like to deal with impotence in a marital relationship this book deals with the emotional struggles that are not normally discussed openly. The power of a loving commitment, strength for the challenge, and hope shine through as well as a true commitment to help others through the copious listing of sources of help in the appendix. Readers should be cautioned that because this book necessarily discusses sexual intimacy between two people some may find it too graphic at points. On the other hand, it shows the extent to which the authors are letting the reader into their personal lives. "Making Love Again" is a very highly recommended book for those going through concerns about a prostatectomy or any sudden impotency of a permanent or temporary nature.

Shortly after my own prostate cancer (PCa) diagnosis on 11/23/99, my treatment rendered me impotent. Besides the physical effect, the psychological impact on me was devastating. I prowled the Net looking for books or Web sites that addressed the problem and found that while there is considerable advice on PCa and treatment, the effect on the man and the relationship was, by comparison, ignored so I built a Web site to fill that gap. In the two years since, I have become intimately familiar with the problem that men and couples face and can say that "Making Love Again" is one of the very best resources for any couple that must face the sexual effects of PCa treatment. What is exceptional is that the perspective of the companion - in this case, Virginia - is foremost. Every woman who lives with man effected by treatment should read it. She, and Keith, have filled a need and have recorded it with a style and honesty that is equally rare.

I read this book because my father is impotent from prostate cancer. I was surprised to discover that there were insights that helped my husband and I even though we are not faced with impotence. We have four children under the age of 7 and do not have a lot of time for the two of us. This book reminded me of the kind of relationship I want to have, and showed me that I/we need to make love regularly even if that means scheduling a "date."I know that if my husband and I ever have to face impotence, this book would be a source of comfort, support and encouragement. It has certainly made me aware of the fact that curing impotence is more than just creating an erection. I will be more sensitive now to the complexities of my father's situation.Thank you for having the courage to share your story.