Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner

The beginning of this book helps you to see if the person you are dealing with is a Narcissist by rating their different behaviors. I found this extremely helpful! It helped me understand what is going on. At times throughout this book she makes excuses for the abuser. That are really hard to read. I would still say that this book overall is very informative and helpful! It helped me realize what is going wrong and how I can help myself cope with this difficult relationship. I just wish she wouldn't justify abusive behavior. I am still really glad I read this book. I would recommend it to anyone who has a relationship with a Narcissist. Some other books I also recommend: -10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages by Karla Downing -Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft -The Verbally abusive relationship By Patricia Evans -Not to People Like Us By Susan Weitzman -The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner -Codependent No More by Melody Beattie -Love Honor and Negotiate By Betty Carter -Boundaries in Marriage by John Townsend and Henry Cloud -When Love Goes Wrong : What to Do When You can't do anything right by Susan Schechter and Ann Jones -Too Good for Her Own Good : Breaking Free... by Claudia Bepko

First off - I am grateful to this book for concisely identifying what it is I am dealing with. Regardless of the critics who say "why would you want to stay?" - this book has tremendous value in helping one to identify the various manifestations of narcissism. This is an important premise of this book - that narcissism is not an all or nothing thing. She posits that - short of the full-blown NPD - there are more subtle shades of "destructive" narcissistic traits. And within these subtle traits are various sub-types. These insights have been very significant for me in that my wife is not a full-blown NPD and most of the reading I have found seems to only deal with the extreme - DSM-defined - personality disorder. She provides checklists that are very useful in identifying subtle nuanced behaviours. Things I had felt vaguely uneasy about for a long time came into clear focus. She also provided checklists to help identify my 'collaborative' behaviours. This does not, however, have the effect of blaming the victim. Rather it provides some clarity on the previous 'crazy-making' behaviour and my part in that dynamic (for example, as a conciliator and one who tries to anticipate the needs of others - I play right into the hands of my wife's narcissistic tendency's). The author outlines the various sub-types of destructive narcissists and by understanding my wife's specific 'hungry' narcissistic traits - I now have far better insight and possibly some improved coping skills in dealing. It was affirming to me that some of the 'counterintuitive' coping skills I had already developed (purely as defense-mechanisms) were in fact the kinds of things that were recommended. Whatever one's ultimate choice is (ie to stay or go) this book will provide invaluable guidance for how to cope with the process and with your partner - now and in the future.

I bought this book when I was struggling with a very difficult and painful relationship. This book helped me see the behaviors my partner was manifesting were very destructive, had nothing to do with me, and were unchangeable by anyone other than my partner -- who was unwilling to look at himself and his behavior. I had spent several painful months deciding what to do. This book helped me end the relationship and move on with my life. It is easily understood and contains checklists and exercises to help the reader understand the problems the self-absorbed bring to a relationship.

I agree wholeheartidly with the reviewer who asked Why would you try to have a relationship with a person who is narcistic, they are completely devoid of empathy. (etc). Indeed, if you even suspect that your potential partner is narcisitic, run for your life! However, if your situation is similar to mine, this book is a godsend. I married at a very young age my first boyfriend, when I got pregnant after just a couple months of dating. He had a reputation of being a "communist swine", but I thought he was just misunderstood. (...) Being very young (=stupid) and being able to get along with all kinds of people, I underestimated what marriage ment. His abusive behaviour, present from the very start of the relationship, kept getting worse, especially when he felt his most prized posesion, ie his trophy wife, was too independent or withdrawn. (I was avoiding him as much as I could.) During the last 8 years of marriage, about once a month he initiated confrontations where he used both emotional manipulation and physical intimidation (either holding me against my will or pushing me with his stomach into the corner of the kitchen). I am not sure if anyone who did not experience a 6'3", 300 lbs closing in on her 125pounds can understand how unsetlling such an act is. Anyway, after these periodic confrontations, I always became moderately to severely depressed and it took me weeks to climb out of the hole. The marriage lasted 16 years. All that time, I thougth I was failing at something, and the fact that I could not get through to him was a source of frustration and helplessness, if not despere. After the divorce I still have to have contact with my ex. (children). But even if I did not, I had emotional scars resulting from that relationship. This book was extremely helpful to me. Not only did it describe my ex'es behaviour, it also showed how I was "collaborating" with his destructiveness. It also validated that such people are extremely difficult to deal with (this was very helpful to me personally). Finally, the book includes a number of coping mechanism. Some of these are ***COUNTER*** to how any reasonable people interact. From my personal experience I can say that the suggestions made in the book are dead on. (In retrospect, this explains why my attempts to communicate, work out issues etc with my ex were always futile.) Since the best what you can do when dealing with a person of this nature is so contrary to everything we are tought since we're babies, this book can help change your life. Thanks to this book I am now able to survive with just minor irritations encounters with my ex. I am facing another challenge: I found out first hand yesterday that he is now using the same methods on the children. How do you empower an 8 year old and a teeneager so that they are equipped to deal with a destructive father? Nina, please write another book quickly. :)

I agree with many reviewers that say "why would you want to". However, I found this book to be very helpful because I have been able to identify several toxically self-absorbed people in my life (even in very spiritual circles) and now I can see them in a more realistic way. Karen Anderson

This book might have been better titled Living With the Self-Absorbed. Sometimes a person must live with or continue to have a relationship with a self-absorbed person, and this book is very helpful in that aspect. It is extremely difficult to love someone who is capable of loving only him or herself, but this books presents ways to live and deal with this person without losing one's sense of self. There are exercises provided that can also help the reader improve their own relationship skills, not only with the self-absorbed, but with others as well. The most effective way to deal with the self-absorbed is not to have to deal with them at all. If that is not an option, this book is worth reading to help the reader keep his or her perspective and reality intact, which is a challenge when living with the self-absorbed.