Love's Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships

This is a marvelous book that addresses fundamental issues in our contemporary Western society with great, heart-felt insight. The author discusses his theory and practice of the phenomenology of intimate relationships, which has the power to uncover the hidden dynamics of family relations, in order to heal individual people and their entire family system. The author explains in great detail how any loss of balance - in our sense of belonging, give-and-take, and need for structure - within family systems necessarily causes feelings of guilt in both the family conscience and individual consciences of its members. Loss of balance in one part of the system invariably causes compensation in other, weaker parts, most often children - who will be adults later in their lives. If the, mostly subconscious, causes of these compensations are not properly recognized and addressed, then therapy is bound to fail. If however we start from fundamental insight in the system dynamics well explained in this marvelous book, then we will be empowered to take the right course of action. All sorts of causes are phenomenologically explained in this book, in order to provide fundamental insight in their "karmic" structures of cause-result: divorce, child adoption, sexual abuse, suicide, homocide, criminal behavior, abortion, unfaithfulness in marriage, a scape-goat within a family, different sexual needs within an intimate relationship, tragic loss, re-marriage after divorce, a child mothering or fathering a parent, homosexuality, jealousy, refusal to accept a parent, legal custody, illegal children, neglecting a partner in favour of children, and so on. The author offers fundamental insight in these matters, as well as sound strategies to address them decisively. There is a sense of "natural magic" in his therapeutics, when Bert Helling has a client re-enact (and correct) their family constellation. One can easily understand that Hellinger must have learnt much of this from his work as a former Catholic priest among the Zulus of South-Africa, where a kind of "innate wisdom" must have been awoken in him - The short biography in the appendix anyway explains a lot about the developing "spirit" of Hellinger during his life. In conclusion: This book may teach us to gain our rightful place within our family system, one that is our birth-right; gain freedom from "systemic guilt", and live in peace within our family. What I like about this book is its redeeming spirit and its knowing heart, which anyone can understand. It is deeply human and I like it tremendously. If any book can change your life by gaining fundamental insight in family dynamics, then this is the one. I wish I could rate it with 6 stars.

For me chapter one alone is worth the price. As a group facilitator, Hellinger's insight on the how the system balances and how to approach it from the practitioner's point of view reveals a lot of system thinking in family/group situation. I particularly appreciate he sees his role as a Tao Master, which is really doing something by doing nothing. This book is now in Chinese and we have a study group and an on-going practitioner's group around the topic.

With the wisdom of a sage, Hellinger takes on psychotherapy, conventional beliefs about relationships and what is commonly accepted between family members and lovers in their relationships. Hellinger's message is one of humility in accepting what is, especially the natural order of relationships. For instance, rather than bemoaning an abusive father, Hellinger will stand by the victimizer and have the victim, a son or daughter, humbly acknowledge the father for being the father and to place the circumstances as secondary. In this action, the natural order of the relationship becomes untangled. Hellinger is more interested not in details but in finding what works in resolving problems. The past is past, he seems to say with each page's turn, and focusing on making things right is his intent. From my personal work, I have seen how this work is indeed powerfully effective, and because of Hellinger's non-linear, often intangible approach, he is a controversial and immensely popular figure in psychotherapy. This review does not do this book or Hellinger's work justice. In reading Love's Hidden Symmetry, I found myself reading only a small section, then putting down the book to sit with whatever I had just read. Each section is worth more than the space on its page, in other words. It took some time to complete it, and a better understanding of what he says will probably only come in time and in multiple readings. Hellinger's work talks precisely about being humbled by each other and our processes and how things work as they do. Moreoever, through his readings and family constellations I have discovered how powerfully my lineage influences who I am. The brilliance of this work is in its systemic significance: how noted events, such as war or murder, can have lasting effects transgenerationally. My only criticism his is limited inclusion about environmental factors and the role of civilization in contributing to individual psychological problems; this area is not seeming to be his focus. Instead, Hellinger, a master psychotherapist, appears more interested in redirecting our entangled relationships with each other. I leave my first reading of this book still intent on people finding healthier ways to live, rather than just necessarily focusing on their healing; at the same time, I am blown away by what Hellinger does for the individual and family end of things. It is simply unlike no other I have been exposed to before.

Love's Hidden Symmetry is a book that will change your life. Bert Hellinger's wisdom, the love that shines through everything he says and does will touch the reader's soul. His work with family constellations is the most effective, gentle and graceful tool for re-creating harmony in our troubled family lives. A must for anyone interested in therapy and personal growth.Frank Arjava Petter, author

Provocative, candid, controversial, filled with hope. Poetic and wise, this book captures the profound and extraordinary potential of understanding and restoring balance in families. Truth was discovered on every page; the book is easy to read and contains entertaining insights. Hellinger blends storytelling and transcript material to demonstrate and unfold his theory giving hope and ammunition for healing family dynamics.