Love Decisions: A Father Talks with His Daughter about Lasting Relationships

Even though I consider singleness and celibacy to be my default state, I am open to the idea of marriage. However, I'm afraid of repeating the matrimonial mistakes some of my close friends have made. So I am cautious when it comes to dating. In addition to prayer and consul from wise folks, I look for good books to help guide me through the minefield of romance. "Lovedecisions" fits nicely into the latter category. Donald Harvey, a counselor with a Ph. D. in Marriage and Family Therapy, writes as if he's giving relational advice to Paige, his singleton college-age daughter. The chapters begin with an email from the author to Paige that touches on a dating-related issue she's dealing with. Dr. Harvey then expands on each email's subject for our benefit. There are also multiple-choice quizzes scattered throughout the book to help the reader discern the strengths and weaknesses of their own current relationship. Dr. Harvey's advice is straightforward and based on Scriptural common sense. For example, I was intrigued by his discussion of "consummate love" (adapted from Dr. Robert Sternberg of Yale University). Ideally, this is the kind of love a couple should have for each other before marrying. It consists of three parts: passion, intimacy, and commitment. If any of these components are missing, then the relationship may be less than marriageable (a bit simplistic, but good food for thought). Other dating topics he addresses include control issues, breaking up, and conflict resolution. If there's a running theme, it's cultivating the ability to make wise dating decisions (i.e. "lovedecisions") to ensure a good marriage - or avoid a bad one. Overall, this is a helpful book on Christian dating relationships. However, relational how-to books are no substitute for loving upbringing and consistent mentoring. Ironically, Mr. Harvey inadvertently acknowledges this basic truth in the forward. He writes that it was his own successful marriage that gave Paige twenty-five years of instruction on what a good relationship looks like. However, many of us didn't grow up in such a functional setting. From birth onward we were exposed to negative relational examples that formed bad dating patterns, which must be overcome. Books like this can aid the long and difficult healing process. But if there's a weakness in "Lovedecisions," it's that Dr. Harvey didn't devote an entire chapter to the necessity of mentors, models, and counselors for dating couples with a dysfunctional background. Even so, reading fine books like "Lovedecisions" is better than operating in a vacuum. Although it's tilted more towards twentysomething single women, men will also benefit from the author's advice. However, if you are against dating and prefer courting or betrothal methodologies, it may not be to your liking.