Intimacy and Solitude: Balance, Closeness, and Independence

I cannot recommend this book enough. I have been going through a highly introspective, difficult and insightful stage in life the past year. I have been through lots of individual counseling and read countless self-help books. I rate this one higher than any other. Dowricks' work on the theme of "differentiation" and how it affects you in your relationship with yourself and others gets at the very core of the matter. There are very few issues, whether they be relationships, sex, addictions, etc., which cannot be traced back to this fundamental issue. I have much respect for many different self-help/life-coach authors, and appreciate their work very much. Dowricks', though, while not an easy read, stands above the rest in cultivating fundamental insight. Providing insight, not prescription, appears to her objective with regards to writing style. Many books inspire or help one to act. To take charge of their lives. But they fail to get down to the very core. The raw, organic, fundamental issues. In reading Intimacy and Solitude I gained new insight into "the" issue that no one can escape (and many choose not to address): one's own experience of one's self as an individual separate person. This experience is so fundamental because of the truth that, as Dowrick states, "you cannot know anyone else better than you know yourself." Dowrick digs into the origins of one's sense of self and then explores its manifestations in one's capacity for solitude and for intimacy. Particularly insightful to me were insights into the feeling of "desire", a topic I have never before seen addressed. This book is higly insightful, but not very prescriptive. There are no self-evaluation exercises or tactics to try. Just plain raw insight into the deepest most fundamental parts of one's self. As a man, I disagree with a previous review that thought Dowrick's "feminism" was a distraction. Not an easy read, but highly recommended.

I've been reading similar books in this genre, including Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (Jeffers), Mastery of Love (Ruiz), Heart of the Matter (Austin) and now this one. This book pulls together many of the themes percolating through the other listed books and is well worth reading (alone or with these books). It's not easy or light reading, but having finished it I can tell I'll refer back to this book often, now just to browse through particular sections. I lost count of the times she would describe a particular situation or issue and I'd immediately picture an example of that, either in my life or in those of people I know. I tend toward the overly analytical and as such I appreciated the depth and scope of the look she took at these twinned (though most people would not think so) concepts. If you're at all interested in self discovery, read this! I like books that make me think; this definitely does so.

I was given this book as a Christmas gift the year I divorced my husband of 10 years. It's a difficult book to read, simply because it raises so many different issues that should be examined and thought about before moving on. Ms. Dowrick has written several excellent books and I'm very happy to have started with this one. Highly recommended.

This is a remarkable book, perhaps the only book one need read to gain an understanding of how interpersonal relationships are burdened when those involved don't know who they are. The book persuasively argues that in order to find success in any relationship, one must first gain an understanding of self. The testament of the quality of this book is its applicability to real life; I find issues from the book constantly mirrored by situations in my life, and it is a valuable resource for understanding what is going on.

This book is fantastic. She holds that a solid sense of who you are is vital for comfort in intimacy AND in solitude. Rather than a quick trip to relationship nirvana, she gives you a fascinating study of the sense of self - how it's formed, how it's lost, how you can regain it. It's well-written, thoughtful, and comprehensive, illustrated with real-life vignettes. A must for those who've grown beyond John Grey's glib Mars and Venus discussions and Cosmo's self-help quizzes.