Inside Out: Straight Talk from a Gay Jock

Inside Out - Straight Talk from a Gay Jock chronicles the challenges and rewards of Olympian Gold Medalist Mark Tewksbury's life as a gay Olympic athlete. There are two stories in this book - the story of the gay athlete, and the story of rampant corruption of the IOC and illegal drug use by athletes prevalent in the Olympics at that time. As Tewksbury worked toward his Olympic dream, it became harder and harder to suppress his identity. In order to reach that dream, it was necessary. Sponsorship for a medal contender required signing a morality clause. Inside he felt constrained and deceitful; he was not out to his teammates or competitors. Following his gold medal in Barcelona, rumors that he was gay arose based on a Canadian tabloid article. His agent, while aware, never asked Mark. He denied the rumor, threatening to sue the publication, but nothing ever came of it. But Tewksbury's inner sense of self was suffering more and more. While at University in Sydney, Australia, Mark outed himself via his senior paper. Sharing his experience as a gay athlete in a masculine sport won him an Academic Achievement award, and largely freed him of the internalized homophobia that had kept him closeted for years. Then he and a few other athletes organized Olympic Athletes Together Honorably (OATH). Their goal was to force the IOC to live up to their professed mission. OATH managed - against fierce opposition from the IOC - to engage much of the world in this issue. No longer welcome in the IOC, Tewksbury went on to engage with the Gay Games, then helped found the World OutGames, both developing world-class competition between gay athletes. During this period, he discovered that several of his competitors were also gay - and had been equally closeted during their most competitive years. Interesting and very well written, this book relates one man's overcoming of his personal demons on the way to a satisfying and successful life. A good read.

The cover photos on Mark Tewksbury's autobiographical Inside Out: Straight Talk From a Gay Jock are incredibly masculine. The handsome face on the front, the sexy, virile body on the back, the flexed arm holding a fistful of Olympic medals. So it's quite a shock to discover that as a boy, Tewksbury loved to dress up in his grandmother's clothes, and that, like so many of us, he was teased and taunted as a fag in high schoo. How does a man make such a transformation? Tewksbury eloquently sums up his ability to win Olympic gold in the 1992 Olympics this way: "I gazed around the room slowly. The best swimmers from Russia, Cuba, the United States, Spain, Germany and France were in front of me. And I was different. I was the fag. And in that moment I owned my truth completely. I thought, `If these guys knew how hard it was for me to get here, they wouldn't believe it. They have no bloody clue what I have been through. Or how strong I am.'" Those sentiments enabled him to succeed. "I went out and swam, dropping more than 1.2 seconds from my personal best... to win the first gold medal for Canada in Barcelona." The book is an interesting mix of evasiveness and the titular "straight talk." Tewksbury is open about his long-term relationship with a gay couple, as well as his pursuit of a paid escort. There's a lot that remains unsaid, though he's frank about the depression that struck after his Olympic win, closely tied to his own internalized homophobia. The biggest accomplishment of this book is its ability to present Mark Tewksbury as a real person--not just a sexy hunk or an Olympic idol. Though he's not yet forty, he (and his country) have come a long way since he won that gold medal. Neil Plakcy, author of Mahu Surfer: A Hawaiian Mystery (An Alyson Mystery)

Decades after Dave Kopay's ground-breaking autobiography, there still are very few elite athletes who have been willing to come out of the closet. Therefore, Mark Tewksbury's memoir gains an automatic interest. Tewksbury, a 1992 Olympic gold medalist in the backstroke (he upset favored American Jeff Rouse), does not focus a great deal in "Inside Out" on this triumph, at least in part because he has already penned a book on that topic, but mostly because he wants to focus on what he views as more essential subjects. He talks of his family and his generally unhappy childhood, his early same-sex crushes, his fear of exposure both before and especially after his rise to the highest rank of his sport, all to frequently moving effect. His accounts of his foray within the international Olympic movement, and later involvement with the nascent Gay Games, offer fascinating glimpses into the politics and intrigue of big-time sports. All this may seem like a lot to stuff into a relatively short book, and in fact, it is. Tewksbury, who on the evidence is a decent writer, spends so much time recounting events that there is not much time for atmosphere or reflection, though one might take this as an accurate conveyance of what frequently seems to be a frantic, fast-paced life. When he does pause to talk about his emotions his plain style is genuinely touching, as in his account of his father's death from cancer. Though one may wonder just how hard a skilled athlete with a strapping physique and dazzling smile (evident in many of the photos, though the beefcake element is kept low-key), not to mention a gift for public speaking, could possibly have it, Tewksbury's willingness to reveal his inner anguish and vulnerability cannot fail to touch the reader. Until such time as the world of sport comes to terms with the sexual orientation of some of its greatest representatives books such as "Inside Out" will be necessary.

Mark Tewksbury is an inspiring person and a well-admired athlete of the Olympics. I'll be honest and say I was approaching this book from a shallow viewpoint. Though he was a swimmer, not a diver, it seemed like his "coming out" story would just be a pale comparison to that of Greg Louganis. This is not the case, however, as Mark's story is told with an elegance and difference that makes it stand alone. Do not expect high dramatics or shocking revelations, but there are well-learned lessons here and simply an amazing personal journey. It reminds us that each gay person's evolution is a unique story. What I most appreciated was that he dared to come forth with his relationship as part of a three-way couple, a theme that's unusual even in gay autobiographies. We've had the stories of Louganis, Billy Bean, and others, and this one joins the chorus in helping us recognize the special challenges that face the gay athlete in the coming-to-realize and coming-out processes.

I have worked for the past 25 years with gay men in psychotherapy, and was an ex athlete myself, so I was intrigued but clinically skeptical of Mark Tewksbury's autobiography. My skepticism was completely unfounded. He was completely forthright, struggling to find himself in an overwhelmingly staight world of elite athletics. This Olympian just took it one step at a time, in first taking advantage of his natural athletic abilities, then in slowly finding his way to come out, and then balance that coming out process with the world of sport. What eventually emerged for me was his deep value system of honesty--of being true to himself in whatever circumstances--something which I continually drum into my gay clients, and to what I work at daily in my own life. His book truly touched me--as an ex-athlete, as a clinician, and and as a human being who understands struggle. Eloquent, easy, to read, I HIGHLY recommend this book. Philip Tecau Oakland, California