If You Really Loved Me--: For Conflict to Closeness for Everyone Who is a Parent and Everyone.....

I read this book when my child was about 5, almost two decades ago. As I recall, the premise is we can respond to conflict from a place of either love, or fear. If it's love, "If (we) Really" love our children, the path is clear, and we try to use conflict to move into increased understanding. I've been in the mental health field for a decade now and I believe a lot of my work, after years of the most sophisticated training, tries to come down to what is expressed in this great little book.

This book uses the same framework as their couples relationship book, "Do I Have to Give Up Being Me to Be Loved By You?" but applies it to the relationship between parents and children. It is an awesome tool for parents struggling with problems in communicating with their children. Basically, the idea is that instead of thinking "If you really loved me, you (the child) would behave in such and such a way", we should change our focus. Instead, when we act from an intention to understand, an intention that will tend to bring people closer together, the question to ask oneself is actually "If I (the parent) really loved you (the child) I would....." This perspective allows the parent to focus on what s/he can understand or do or change, and from personal experience it works. Jordan and Margaret Paul have described a blueprint that we can use to improve our understanding of our children. It is a system that works to convey to our children that we do, in fact, love them. It is a gift to parents.