If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path

A couple of times a year, I read a book that's a little gem: packed with sage and sensitive wisdom, practical and informative, modern yet timeless. IF THE BUDDHA DATED is my latest addition to my list of these little paper gems. Kasl knows what she's talking about. Without dogma or fuzzy affirmations, she reminds us in clear language that our relationships are part of our spiritual journey. Her definition of a spiritual journey in the path we take to be who we truly are, without pretense or attempts to please lovers, family members, or other authority figures. We come to learn that we can love and be loved best by being who we truly are, showing our vulnerability and our humanity, while still expecting to be treated with consideration, compassion, and kindness. Early in the book, she states, "on the spiritual path, the purpose of any relationship is to wake up and get to know ourselves and our lover, thoroughly, without judgment or pride." And, "Dating with a Buddhist consciousness means a willingness to confront anything inside that kindles fear or anxiety. When we start wanting to run away, be deceptive, tell lies, or put on a mask, we need to walk right into our fears, sit down, and talk to them until they become our friends. That doesn't mean we have a goal of getting rid of fear; rather we accept it as part of our unfolding journey." I couldn't agree more.Her lists of behaviors for us to examine in our partners and ourselves are excellent and straightforward. A close examination of what we want and what we have to offer, our values and our desires, all play into what makes relationships work or not. She says, "True commitment is born of knowledge. We can't say yes to what we don't know."Her list of questions to explore with your partner before becoming sexual (page 126) are excellent. So much worthy of quoting that I suggest you simply BUY this book. A little jewel.~~Joan Mazza, author of Dream Back Your Life; Dreaming Your Real Self; Who's Crazy Anyway; and Exploring Your Sexual Self (a guided journal).

This book, written by a Quaker psychotherapist with an interest in Sufism and Buddhism, is a treasure for adults (of all ages!) who wonder why dating and relationships are so difficult. This book isn't intended to educate any of us in Buddhism as a faith, but to speak to those who want a fulfilling intimate love relationship. Western culture's view of love -- often a hard-to-fulfill expectation of love-at-first-sight encounter, based on a strong and immediate physical attraction, ending with a happily-ever-after-fairy tale conclusion -- has confused, disheartened and frustrated many of us who just can't make that kind of romance last for long, let alone forever. This book combines Buddhist, Quaker and Sufi spiritual philosophy to love, helping us clear our minds. Kasl calls this, "crawling in love," and says, "When we crawl in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting..." As another reviewer stated, the information in the book is "common sense, nothing original in it at all." That comment, I suspect, would make the Buddha laugh. We have been on earth so long, certainly there is nothing new under the sun to help us with our relationship problems, only old truths we forget as we get caught up our romantic wish for Love American Style. Kasl reminds us of some simple truths. Ground yourself in spiritual wisdom, remember the impermanence of everything, learn compassion for yourself and others. She sites some common themes in Quakerism, Buddhism and Sufism - center yourself, take time to reflect, listen to that still small voice within, and you will be able to accept and give love in a deep, lasting way. She explores our need for an intimate relationship, in a way that is different from the Mars and Venus approach which focuses more on the differences between men and women, tending to widen the gap. Unlike Gray's books, and others which direct us to learn how to say and do the 'right stuff' externally, she encourages us to find connect in the spiritual and human similarities we have with each other, and to respond to each other from our genuine selves. She touches on ads, dating services, the internet, same gender relationships, dating when there are kids involved, physical intimacy, tonglin meditation, and breaking up. This book absolutely is not for everyone. The reference to "Christian" spiritual practices on the back cover is misleading, since it actually draws on more liberal, non-dogmatic Quaker practices. If you are more of a Western philospher than an Eastern philosopher, if you would like new ideas spelled out in an easy to follow, guaranteed fashion, you probably should skip this book. This goes on my own list of books to loan, give or recommend to friends and family members struggling with 'relationship issues.' And to the friend who loaned it to me, I say, Thanks, Jack!

I have read more than my share of self help books but this is the most helpful book I have ever read. It started out slow - in the first pages I was rolling my eyes because I felt like it was simple stuff I already knew, but by page ten I was engrossed and thrilled. It is simple, straightforward, fun reading, it makes complete sense and helps clarify the issues that come up in every kind of relationship, from partners to potential partners, to family and friends. I could not put it down. I had an 'aha' every few pages, found it joyful and affirming and incredibly helpful. When I was halfway through it I bought 8 more copies and gave them to eight friends. They all loved it and have all given copies to their friends and family. I quickly saw my relationships to others and to myself start to change, I actively used the theories to improve my dynamics with others and one day read just one sentence and completely let go of some pain I'd been carrying for days over a conflict with a friend. Poof - it was gone and I was looking at it from a whole new place and learned a lesson I have used again and again since that day. I also re-established contact with a friend who I'd parted ways with years ago and in one easy conversation we came together again resolved the problem, laughed over how big we'd made it and have had a healthier, happier and closer friendship than ever since. I am back today to order 3 more copies for three more people - one of them is the new man in my life whom I feel this book was intrumental in helping me find. I'm choosing differently, approaching things differently and what's more - I'm happier and feel more clear and peaceful about relationships than I ever have. Get this book and a few extras for the people you love - you won't regret it. And grab your highlighter- there are gems on every page.

In our society of relatively few rituals, one could have the mistaken idea that they 'know' how to date. I thought I did. In reading this book after the end of a particularly challenging relationship, I have been stunned. I had no idea how really easy dating was, nor how complicated we make it. It's about honesty - to yourself and to those you encounter - and so much more. Get this book and learn how to attract a healthy person into your life.

I don't know about Dr. Kasl's previously written "Finding Joy", but "If the Buddha Dated" is a joy in itself. This, among all the self-help, meditation and Buddhist books has done more in helping me get to the bottom of fear than anything I've read to date. Void of the formulaic speeches of dating do's and don'ts, Kasl first encourages self-love through some serious but compassionate "homework" -- getting to the heart of old filters and past hurts that play like a broken record. I love that she is multispiritual, borrowing from Buddhism, Sufism (new to me!) and her orginal Quaker roots, all of which promote spiritual discovery. Now when I meditate, scary as it is, the purpose is clear. "Sit down and suffer your terror, talk with your Buddha nature, stay put and breathe." A breath of fresh air, for sure.I haven't even considered the "dating" part, so entranced am I with this clear, solid approach to the Path. I highly recommend this book for those in search of personal growth and bonding with others.