If I Am Missing or Dead: A Sister's Story of Love, Murder, and Liberation

A true story of real love, that of Janine for her sister, and the abusive behavior that masquerades as love in too many women's lives. A must-read for any woman constantly struggling to please a partner rather than enjoying a nurturing relationship. The author's ongoing work to help those trapped in soul-destroying and even dangerous relationships is admirable and courageous.

Janine Latus paints a squirmingly accurate portrait of what it's like to be married to an emotionally abusive man. This book is painful to read and equally hard to put down. Like Janine Latus's doctor husband, my ex husband engaged in the same kind of manipulative, undermining criticism. He also went into rages regularly that I just put up with. Somehow I never considered him abusive until I saw myself reflected in this book. Latus helped me reconsider some of what happened to me. Her honesty has obviously made some readers very uncomfortable (see negative reviews below). My take is that these readers think women who are abused have it coming to them and should just shut up about it. This is the kind of attitude that kept abused women from speaking out for generations. Latus solves the mystery of why some feminists are attracted to sadistic men. Having feminist beliefs is no protection against the unconscious wish to repair our childhood wounds by picking a mate who treats us just like our abusive parent. She makes no excuses for her submissive behavior with this creep of a husband, but dramatizes how her father's sexualization of both her and Amy as children destroyed their ability to have healthy relationships with men. We, the reader, are left to draw the obvious conclusion--that this father did such profound damage that Amy chose a man she knew might kill her. Luckily Janine had the inner strength to leave her abusive husband eventually.

I love this quote I read on one of the other Latus sister's website in an article talking about how insidious psychological and emotional abuse is to the person being abused. I read this book in two days and it was an incredibly compelling read for me. I am still in the recovery/wreckage assessment process after the ending of my own marriage to an emotionally and psychologically abusive man that completely decimated my self- esteem. The author's honesty is astonishing if not painful to read how she accepted her husband's humiliation and treatment of her as an object that he controlled (painful for me, since I did the same). Given on my own situation, this book was incredibly helpful for me to get some perspective on how I let myself remain in an abusive relationship. I too loved my husband deeply and went through a similar cycle of placating, then rebellion, then anger at his controlling, manipulative, jealous behavior. One of the hardest things for me in escaping the relationship has been having friends and family understand and accept what I went through. Like the author's marriage, from the outside we seemed like the perfect couple. Unlike the author, though, I rarely shared what was happening inside the marriage and my husband kept me isolated from friends and family like her husband did as well. It seems like if your husband does not physically beat you (my husband would get physically violent when he became enraged - shoving, pinning me down or up against a wall, grabbing me, poking me with his finger forcefully over and over in my chest - but he never punched in the eye or broke a bone or anything) then people don't seem to accept that you have been in an abusive relationship. My ex is the picture of charm and has a 'big teddy bear' persona about him to the outside world. People didn't believe me! The only thing I would have liked to have seen in this book is more retrospection on why the author thinks she and her sister chose these abusive men and tolerated this behavior. Definitely the portrayal of the father implies that this was the genesis of the behavior, but I would have liked to have seen more direct analysis and ties to how the author thinks he effected her and her sister and maybe even why these two family members were effected but none of the other siblings were. Lastly, I also credit this book with helping me recognize that I am in the early stages of getting involved with a man who is another abuser. I just started dating again (after 2 years of hiatus) and met someone I thought was special, but with a few "problems". Her murdered sister's own journal excerpts where she is rationalizing the abusive behavior she is enduring made me realize that I am still doing the same thing. There is NEVER a reason to accept abusive behavior from someone.

This was a very good -- yet at times -- a very emotionally difficult read. Janine Latus does a very good job in this memoir writing about the parallels in her marriage and her youngest sister's abusive relationship that ultimately ended in the sister's murder. The important thing to note is while the abuse that Janine suffered in her marriage was much more subtle and insidious than the outright murder of her sister, Amy, it was nonetheless just as damaging to the soul. Latus unflinchingly explores the childhood and father that led both sisters to become involved with the wrong men. This is an important read for most women and I think a very good book to suggest to a young woman who has just begun to date. As noted in another review, this is JANINE'S story - the sister who survived - not the blow by blow account of how her sister Amy came to be murdered. So if you are a true crime/Ann Rule buff - this is not your book.

I couldn't put this book down and it's still haunting me. It tells the story of two sisters who definitely hook up with the wrong men, but it's also an examination of how easily it is to become isolated in one's own pain to the point where there are no options. Although Amy Latus and her sister, author Janine, were close enough to talk a few times a week, Amy never revealed how dire her situation was and Janine only found out through a note, when it was too late. The writing in this book is beautiful, but the most powerful element is the poignancy of the author telling her story to save other women, even if she couldn't save the sister she loved and thought she knew. This is a stirring work of journalism and a very worthwhile read.

I happened upon this book in search of another book. The title and cover had me before I even opened it. I read it in two days because I had to see how the events unfolded. Every father should read this book to see how important it is to show your daughters the proper way to be treated by a men and to show your sons the proper way to treat women. How we are treated as children form us and scripts what we allow in our lives as adults. There are no hidden messages in this book. The author puts it right out there from the beginning. This is a book of survival that parallels tragedy.