How Your Church Family Works: Understanding Congregations as Emotional Systems

This book does speak to congregational relationships and leadership, but it also is helpful for every relationship. Steinke teaches clearly about self-differentiation and what it means to stay connected while managing anxiety. This book is older, yet still so very relevant!

I was the pastor of a troubled church and was relocated after 20 months. This book provided me with much understanding of the dynamics of church life. I wished I had it when dealing with my struggles. Now that I am in a new church, I am writing a thesis based on my former church using this book and others to do a case study. A great read for clergy and lay alike.

Peter Steinke is a Lutheran pastor and director of the Interfaith Pastoral Counseling Center in suburban Chicago. His career has been one of studying and advising the dynamics of disfunctional churches and counseling pastors who have been hurt by said churches. "How Your Church Family Works" is an introduction to systems theory as it relates to interpersonal dynamics within a church and has been very helpful for this reader. Steinke begins by introducing the concept of systems--that every unit in a system effects and is effected by every other unit in that system. He then covers how systems work--always seeking to remain stable, even if that stability harms most or all the people in that system. He then moves into a discussion of forces that stabilize or change a system (anxiety, closeness, etc.). Finally, after weaving theory and example to the point that the reader has a fuller understanding of systems theory, Steinke shows how individuals within a system can effect change for the better. The overriding theme in in "How Your Church Family Works" can be "knowledge is power." Steinke accurately describes the "tunnel vision," the pressure to conform to others' idea of what your role in a system should be, and the tendency of people within a system to focus on other people in that system and blame them. However, through understanding systems, the way they work, their flaws, and how to be an angent of change, one can make an ineffecient, stifling system a productive, nurturing system. They key is knowledge and "big picture" thinking, and defining one's self. In all, this book has been incredibly helpful as I continue to reflect upon my experiences at a church with a dangerously crushing emotional system. Steinke's book empowers one to be agents of positive change in situations that may be difficult to understand, let alone control. Highly recommended.

In this text and its companion volume, `Healthy Congregations', Peter Steinke puts together a wonderful aid to ministers and congregational leaders who struggle to understand the dynamics of their congregations. Large or small, urban or rural, all congregations experience tensions, conflicts, emotions and situations that require careful dealing and compassionate understanding. Human interactions are among the most complex things possible for study - they do follow patterns on micro- and macro-scopic levels, but there are so many variables that it is impossible to predict and plan with total accuracy (and so much the better, many would hold, including this author). Yet the application of field theory types of paradigms to understanding congregational dynamics is worthwhile. There is a self-perpetuation and internal cohesion to many of the processes, and they often seem `to take a life of their own', in other words, are somehow self-generating. We tend to think of churches as places of holiness and justice, forgetting that because they are comprised of human beings at all levels, they are just as susceptible to corruption, pettiness, and the petty place-seeking and unhealthy dynamics of any other human organisation. That this should not be so is granted - that it is often so is a sad reality. It is not denominationally-specific, either - even those denominations that pride themselves on fairness, justice, rationality, or any other positive quality can find itself falling victim to its own people.The church is not a family. Steinke says this very directly. However, there are significant patterns that parallel family dynamics, and in many metaphoric senses, church communities are meant to be a family. Thus, looking at the emotional dynamics of family units gives some insight.This book combines personal and congregational stories with theoretical ideas. The first part of the book concentrates on looking at the different concepts of family dynamics and emotional systems theory - anxiety and reactivity, separateness and closeness, stability and change, and clarity and compassion. These draw on psychological theory, historical and literary examples, biblical theory, and even neurophysiological research. The second part of the text builds these theories into practical situations by incorporating stories. These stories are short and to the point; they illustrate points well, and help to drive home the ways in which leaders and congregation members can work together. These stories can help both the ministers and congregation members recognise when dysfunctions are occurring, as well as possible solutions that look to the wider system rather than individuals.There are charts, tables, genograms and other tools to use; these may be new to the reader, but they are explained in sufficient manner to be useful. There are also little touches that are useful, even preachable, as examples of the concepts.The final chapter talks about the importance of

This volume by Pete Steinke, a Christian gentleman and long-time student of the late Ed Friedman (who wrote the foreword), clarifies many of the concepts from Friedman's classic "Generation to Generation." Steinke describes how congregations function as emotional systems. In "How Your Church Family Works," Steinke explains the role of cultural and congregational anxiety in church conflict, and describes behaviors that intensify anxiety and those that minimize anxiety and contribute to congregational health. The two charts, "Self-Differentiation: Healthy Behaviors for Leaders in Conflict," and "Mature vs. Immature Behaviors in Conflict" are worth getting the rest of the book just to know how to apply the charts. Steinke's sequel to this book, "Healthy Congregations," is also valuable.

I recomend this book more than any other for help in understanding church conflict and how to deal with it. This systems aproach reveals powerful keys to unraveling crises that are escalating. I especially benefitted from his discussion regarding a church's healthy immune system.