How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It: Finding Love Beyond Words

This book's name and the cover design really does not do it justice. It's for anyone in a man/woman relationship, no matter what their age. I have highly recommended it to my 21 year old daughter. Michele Wiener-Davis ("Divorce Busting") is my "marriage guru," and I see that she recommends it too. My marriage was having problems and it got so that no matter what I said or how I said it, my husband freaked out and complained that I was "digging." I became desperate and didn't have any idea what I was doing wrong. I needed knowledge and action and I needed it fast. I had studied assertiveness training and knew how to use "I statements" but they just were not working at all. And nothing could convince my husband to use them, let alone understand them. In order to use an assertive "I statement" you first have to be able to identify the feelings behind your statement. Some men can learn this but my hubby couldn't. If you've ever wondered why your man over-reacts and gets angry or withdraws no matter how you approach him, then you must read this book now (you can also buy a version at e-books if you just can't wait, like me). If you love biological psychology, you will go for this author's theories about the origins of men's tendency toward hyper-arousal, and women's deep need for connection. Not only does it explain it all in easy to understand language, but it actually tells you what to do to correct the problem of driving your man away by talking to him. This book could save you thousands of dollars in wasted money with marriage counselors. It will turn you on your head if you believe that lots and lots of verbal communication and analyzing is the key to a good marriage. This book is worth it's weight in gold to me, and I'm hoping maybe the author will come out with a sequel!

I gave this book only 5 stars because that is as high as the rating system will allow. It provides both men and women with the means of understanding themselves and their partner in ways that lead to trust and respect toward themselves and each other. It is a truly empowering work for both men and women. The authors share their understanding grounded in years of practical experience working with relationships that have gone wrong and even suffer from abuse. The authors provide a basic understanding of the biological basis for the differences in the perception of men and women that create shame in men and anxiety (fear) in women. Knowing and appreciating the nature of these differences helps you understand and have compassion for your partner (and yourself!) when struggling. When you have compassion for others you would never knowingly harm them. Using the guidelines offered in the book help create a bond of mutual appreciation and understanding. Men and women have different "realities" created by evolutionary selection. This is a condition to be understood and dealt with compassionately. It is not a problem to be "solved" by making men more like women and women more like men. It acknowledges men and women are simply different, not wrong, not right, just different. The book provides various surveys that will help the reader become conscious of exactly what the differences are and what how to honor the differences. It offers many suggestions on how to prevent resentment from creeping into relationships. It also shows you how to maintain your own emotional well-being by discovering, developing and accessing your own core values.

This book is a well written insightful workable guide to improving your marriage without those interminable talks that never get you anywhere. I think it is the best book on marriage I have ever read. It discusses the differences in our reaction to stress (tend and befriend for women, fight or flight for men). So just when we want to talk, he wants to isolate or starts a fight because he finds talking torturous. You may have noticed this with your husband. I have. The book is full of good workable suggestions, too. Get it. You will be happy you did. One of the other reviews was very negative, and it sounded like the woman was facing emotional abuse, and perhaps giving it too. Anyhow Steven Stosny has another excellent book, You Don't Have To Take It Anymore, about living with emotional abuse. It even has a Boot Camp in it for emotional abusers. He deals with compassion, not shame, as the solution. His books have changed my life. I can't praise them too highly.

I don't know if all the assertions about the driving forces 'fear' and 'shame' are accurate or not (I'm thinking not, at least not to the extent they take it), but it brings a different and helpful perspective to some situations... something to consider. I can atually say that this book improved my marriage somewhat. My marriage was already good, but I heard the author on the gayle king show and I found the perspective she took fresh and she hit on things I had totally overlooked. The book cast some of my husband's behavior in a different light and that alone was an improvement and the advice was generally good also. I think he feels more understood now.. he seems to, but I cant be sure because I didn't ask ;)