How Can You Tell If You're Really in Love

I bought this book when I was questioning the future of my relationship, and was looking for resources on the development of romantic relationships over time. I was happily surprised to find that this little book is far more than its title would ever suggest. Alterate titles could be -"A Humane Approach to Modern Love Relationships" -"You May Not Like It But It Works: Dispelling Fantasy in Love Relationships" -"Get Real and It'll All Work Out: Love without BS" As I read the book, I was amazed at how straight-forward and sane much of the advice is here. Some of it may seem pathetically obvious, but in today's society, advice to consider non-traditional partnerships (cohabitation, same sex, etc) or to have your own life in order before bringing another person into it feels refreshing and smart. More than a "Mars/Venus" approach, this book's tone assumes its readers are grounded, have common sense, want a good and healthy relationship, and are mature enough to accept that no one person can fulfill another person's every need. Throughout this little book are reminders that we are the architects of our lives, and ergo, our love lives. For those who have forgotten, this book offers many gentle reminders and seem so fresh and modern in an over-complicated society where love relations are at the top of the "complicated" list. Sol Gordon is a psychologist and sex educator. His progressive, liberated, and humane ideas about love and sex are right in tune with how things are now. Gordon is a humanist, and that background informs his ideas and this book. The advice is neither overly optimistic, overly simplified, or overly pessimistic. This tome and his other books, including "Why Love is Not Enough," encourage a REALISTIC view about relationships, that there is no "perfect person," and that loving is a process in which two human beings open to it can find balance and joy, if they simply open their minds and hearts.

This book is really about finding your OWN center in life - knowing what you enjoy in life, what you want from a partner, and that you deserve to be happy and with someone that makes you happy. It then helps you look at the relationship you're in, and with open eyes determine if it's a healthy one for you.The book isn't wishy-washy about this. He says quite openly, "By the way, about the dumbest thing anyone can do is to marry for sex. If sex is the only thing to look forward to in a marriage, don't marry at all. It's not worth it." That's the tone of a lot of the book - common sense. Don't put up with someone that enjoys insulting you. Don't confuse that rush of hormones in the first few weeks of dating as "true love which will last forever". With his years of experience, he helps you see common mistakes people make, and how to get through them.He points out that too many of us are raised on quick-fixes these days. Magazines talk about the "27 signs you're in love" - featuring things like "you read his horoscope". People break off relationships as soon as they get the slightest bit difficult. He instead talks about the ways you really can know if the relationship is good for you, and that it's worth working on and getting to last.Like all books, not every suggestion applies to every person, or to every situation. However, if you're able to read this with an open mind, and accept that your own perceptions might be causing some of the problems in your relationship, he'll help you find ways to change and grow into a more healthy situation.

Sol Gordon's theories on contemporary relationships are right on target. This book is based in reality, and not mired down in unobtainable notions of romance. His language is to the point and easy to understand, he is not spouting psycho babble or New Age rhetoric. Gordon points to very specific behaviors, both negative and positive, that I was able to recognize in myself as well as my past partners. Behaviors that can be changed once we are aware of them, and to look out for in prospective partners. I now see how I sabatoged relationships, and I understand more of why I did it. In Chapter 6, Gordon writes of our increasingly disposable society. We live in a world where everything is disposable, including relationships. Many people will just dispose of a relationship rather then work to fix it. Here Gordon challenges us to face into the reality of the situation rather then walk away. He encourages us to look at the relationship, and each other. If there is a chance that you can both emerge stronger and closer isn't worth the time? Admittedly, perhaps not all relationships can, or even should be saved. But how many more would last if couples really took the time to try to solve the problems? Or at least to reach a comprimise? Throughout the book, Gordon challenges readers to look into themselves, to look at our own issues, behaviors and faults. We are challenged to look at our partners, past, present and future. What are we afraid of? Do we become involved with the wrong people? Do we lie? Do we need to have control and refuse to compromise? And why? Personally, I found these challenges to be insightful and inspiring. True, it also made me angry at times, who really wants to look at our negative traits and mistakes? While Gordon is realistic about the negative aspects of relationships, he is never defeatist. I finished the book feeling much better about myself then I had in years. I understand more clearly the mistakes I have made in the past, and I recognize the mistakes made by my past partners. I also feel that I will be able to avoid making the same mistakes, not only in romantic relationships, but in all relationships. Some readers may find the blunt reality of this book disturbing, but I found it encouraging. Love is not a Julia Roberts movie or an article in Cosmo. Love can be intoxicating, boring, amazing and messy, sometimes all at the same time. I would recomend this book to anyone who has hit a troubled spot in their relationship, and perhaps more so to someone who is not curently in a relationship.

It is summed up quite simply in the first chapter that relationships between couples who have been married for long amounts of time are so successful because they married due to "...each other's character, trustworthiness, and emotional stability." I felt that this was a book of wisdom. It explains the different kinds of love that one can feel for another. I feel that all too often sex is confused with true love. Dr. Gordon points this out in the book. Know matter how painful that may be to admit, it is the truth of our society, which is why our society has such high adultery statistics. I particularly was fond of Gordon's chapter on "Learning to Choose a Healthy Relationship." I feel that the biggest mistake that many couples make is honesty. I don't mean being honest with one another, but being honest with yourself. This is crucial in lasting relationships, and in order to do this, you must know yourself, as Gordon stated. Many people don't! We all have fantasies floating around in our heads about the perfect person, but just as Gordon puts it, they are just that, FANTASIES! I truly feel that this book lists several ways to know yourself and understand what you are after in a lasting relationship made of love. It would not be fair to say that this book is a negative absolutist's view on relationships, because it is not. It points out a lot of negative problems in relationships, and why it is that so many relationships do not last. However, it is the truth that hurts people. I feel that anyone who has experienced the power of lasting love would love this book. It is a affirmation of everything gone right in your relationship. This book was written with the wisdom and knowledge of all types of love, and it was an excellent book. I highly recommend it to all serious couples who are dating, engaged, married, and even divorced.

Thank God for Sol Gordon. After languishing in a going-nowhere-fast relationship for more than two years, I picked up this book on a whim. I was amazed at how closely this book mirrored many of my personal struggles! It addressed my feelings and disappointments and gave practical advice that helped me to end my relationship and "move on." What was really different about Dr. Gordon was his honesty. Too often I was told "hang in there" and "love will find a way." This book, however, told me the truth -- that sometimes relationships just aren't meant to last. Yes, it was "tough love," but I needed to hear it. It helped me to re-think my notions of "love" and gave me the support I needed to leave my partner. Today we are both happier people, and I have met a new man that I know is right for me. Better still, I can now tell that I'm really in love!