Heartwounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships

A group of friends selected this book for us to read chapter by chapter and then discuss meaningful segments over lunch. I feel it's a great book to explore unresolved grief.

A very good, insightful book on unresolved grief and trauma. Coming from an extremely dysfunctional family and narcissistic father gave me many "Aha!" moments when reading this book. Narcissism is rampant these days and I shudder to think of the damage being done to the children of these people. This book addresses a wide spectrum of physical and emotional symptoms that result from abuse and how to navigate the minefield of emotions that come with this unfortunate psychological territory. I highly recommend it. I also highly recommend "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller or "The Body Never Lies" by her also. Freud wove a strict taboo around childhood trauma, retarding progress in our knowledge of ourselves a hundred years. "Jung dared to break with Freud, taking refuge from his own concrete life history in a world of symbols and suppositions. It should have remained his private business but his ideas are still used today to treat disturbed people in a misleading and dangerous way. The result of this is confusion, betrayal, and the suppression of justified rage." The patients have suffered as a result of this misinformation. The Drama of the Gifted Child is a staple. It should be in every home. Even if you have wonderful parents, you should read this book so that you understand people who have been abused. There is a hurt child in almost all of us. The body cannot be deceived, it knows what happened. And it cannot be repressed forever. I highly recommend this book in addition to Heartwounds.

And I know that tag line sounds sappy...but I'm nearly done with this book; it has opened some new doors of thought and healing for me. Having grown up with an alcoholic, abusive mother, most of my life was spent trying to understand exactly what the heck I did to make this woman so rageful. There were other questions I'd never dared to ask. Like, "Where were you when I needed you?" "Why do I do the same thing over and over in my adult relationships?" "Why do certain things still sting?" I know I'm a "good" person and yet stupid patterns kept repeating, to the point I knew they had to be dealt with. Grief. We drag it forward for years, and it works itself out every chance - unless you know how process it, let it go, and move on. You can. Good book. Very good book.

This book is one I reach for again and again in trying to understand feelings and behavior for those who did not have good models for dealing with loss, grief, stress, depression. The book has several easily understood charts and summaries to explain its points. But the author writes clearly and uses good case histories to (1) explain what happens to individuals in trauma and loss, (2) what they take into their relationships with others from the tragedy. The author offers much hope that people can work through the origins of problems which blight relationships and grow beyond them to be healthy and happy themselves and with others!

This book uses a new lens to look at what is really going on in a relationship. It is an easy read and Tian uses language that is not too difficult for anyone to understand. The exercises at the back of the book are invaluable in gaining a greater introspective look at what makes you react in different circumstances. Unresolved grief is the problem that every relationship encounters. It is especially helpful in examining divorce and relationship interaction issues. Treat unresolved grief with understanding by looking at the whole picture and things will start looking up for all of us.