Grown Up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know about Being Married

This is not at all what I was expecting. I was excepting a book about what is healthy in a marriage. Instead this book is about what is normal. Normal is not healthy! A lot of what is talked about in the book is unhealthy and may be an abusive marriage. It is very sad that too many think a marriage staying together is the most important thing. So they turn a blind eye to abuse. Or at the very least never bother to educate themselves on hidden abuse so it goes unnoticed. I married a very abusive man straight out of high school. This is what was expected in the Morman culture I was raised in. My dad abused my mom and so this was seen as normal. I started to realize after over 20 years that I was in an abusive marriage. I also realized that I don’t know what healthy looks like. I have been on a desperate search to find healthy. I have read a lot of books and gone to counseling. I still have a lot to learn. I read everything I can to help me and hopefully my kids and grandkids. This book may be helpful for those who have not had the unfortunate luck of being married to someone who frequently engages in covert abuse. Gaslighting not only their victim but also friends and family in order to isolate their spouse and make sure they have no support therefor no chance of escaping. Our society needs to be more educated on hidden abuse so a victim that is simply trying to survive a horrific situation and finally starts to wake up and stand up for themselves isn’t incorrectly labeled and therefore further abused by not only her husband but the community as well. This book took somethings too lightly without warning that these situations could be a sign of abuse. The chapter on marital rivalry really should have warned that some of these situations are signs of abuse and the wife could in fact be in danger. She may finally be trying to stand up for herself and be disregarded. This book will tell you what marriage is most likely to look like but it will not help you to know what healthy looks like. This will not help someone who is in an abusive marriage.

This book should be compulsory reading for any couple contemplating marriage. In a sometimes gut-wrenching analysis of modern marriage, Viorst spells out the fallacies of our society's view on marital bliss in a way that will challenge and, on occasion, shock you with its ability to reflect your own romantic relationship. One of the most provocative chapters is, "The First Shocks of Marriage." This chapter outlines the expectations we bring into marriage and the feelings of betrayal that result when those expectations are invariably, and sometimes brutally, crushed. As a divorced, middle-aged woman with many female friends who maintain a 'revolving door' of romantic relationships, the concept of feeling emotionally betrayed is one that will speak to every woman...and should be understood by every man. Viorst cites the common female viewpoint that "marriage should be nothing less than love, adoration, companionship, physical intimacy, emotional availability, respect, humor and tolerance." And the male viewpoint Viorst cites is one that expects a wife to "respect his need for autonomy and give him plenty of room to do his own thing." Yet, if anything, the reality of marriage teaches us that we often won't get all, or even some, of what we expected. One lesson every individual who reads this book should learn, and learn, and learn yet once again, is that marriage is work...Work...WORK. This book, like no other I have read, made me question whether I'm up to it. :-) It also made me realize that, when it does work, when both halves of the couple (not either/or) are willing to work diligently at keeping the dream alive, the reward is priceless.

This is a terrific book for anyone at any stage in marriage - I read it as I was on the brink of divorce, I read most of it and had suggested to my husband that he read a chapter of it. Things have turned around and we are on the road to repair and re-comittment it seems, this book may have saved us. Judith has wit and charm and sensibility combined to talk about various aspects of marriage, about everyday marriage - and how to improve it, about how various factors can affect marriage at various stages. Thumbs, fingers and toes are all up for Judiths book!

Judith Viorst has articulated some profound insights on married life- why do we choose to get married, why do marriages fail, why do we stay married. She addresses some of the problems marriages today face- infidelity, "sibling rivalry", yet the book is a surprisingly uplifting celebration of married life and the value of sticking it out through the tough times.

I wish this book had been written a year ago when my own "starter marriage" was falling apart. There were so many instances in the book where I could point to a passage and say, "Yep! That's us." "That's totally what happened to us too!" etc. It might have saved my marriage. But I'm glad to have read this book later rather than never. With an impressive understanding of human nature, Viorst touches upon the many delicate interrelational factors that causes strain in people's marriages as well as second (and third) marriages, and why seemingly happy couples divorce while destructive, unhappy couples stay together. This is a worthwhile, mandatory read for every couple who plans to get married or is already married or might be thinking of divorce. Do your loved ones a favor and give this book to a future bride or bridegroom as a wedding gift. It's one of the best relationship tune-ups you'll read.

In the movie "Good Will Hunting" the therapist defines soulmate as "someone who challenges you". At first I was puzzled at this definition but I soon found out what this meant by reading this book and living out my own marriage. A marriage is a constant learning experience just like life. We are challenged to change, adapt, and grow everyday and this is what really makes us mature as indivuduals as well as happy in our marriages. This book convincingly showed me that a marital relationship is a process and a neverending opportunity to mature as a human being. Yes, sometimes it seen as a place for comfort and acceptance but it is mostly a challenge, a challenge to grow. A challenge to let go of our insecurities and defenses and open up more and more as we become more and more emotionally intimate with one another. And this certainly requires growth and maturation. Overall, this is a great book that convicingly explains this process. If you are looking for more information about how to let go of our insecurities, open up to our partners and grow as human beings, I'd recommend, "Rhythm, Relationships, and Transcendence" by Toru Sato. It is also a fantastic book on relationships. You'll love it!