Good Husband, Great Marriage: Finding the Good Husband...in the Man You Married

We have read SO many books on relationships, mostly Christian books. This one, while written by a secular psychologist, has some biblical parallels and a LOT of wisdom. Alter's writing style is fun and engaging. I bought it to read, my husband stole it from me. We've bought several copies to give away. It's a GREAT book.

This book is ideal for women who wish their husbands would treat them with a little more kindness and respect, but who feel too intimidated to insist on it. After reading it, I did four things. (1) I told my husband that I no longer though of him as "imperfect," but instead as being "90% perfect". I said he's not an abuser, adulterer, or an addict; he works hard for the family; he loves us; he would die for us; he has tremendous integrity; etc. He really appreciated hearing this from me, instead of just another bitter round of tears and "I'm so unhappy." (2) I told him I was committed to focusing on that remaining 10%--to building a 100% great marriage. (3) I stopped blaming myself for his behavior and started insisting on kind, respectful treatment from him at all times--not in an angry way, but in a patient, compassionate (but always persistent) way. Any time he said something casually disrespectful, I would calmly say, "I need an apology, or else we need to talk about this." (4) For the first time in 20 years of marriage, I started using the word "man" when referring to my husband. I have always, "You are a great husband, you are a great father, you are a great guy," etc., but I am amazed at how gratifying it is to my husband when I say "You are such a good man." Since reading the book a year ago, I have been constantly (or so it felt to me) insisting on apologies and changes in my husband's behavior. Occasionally I would hesitate before speaking up, thinking, "Can he deal with yet another of my demands for change?" But then recently, my husband amazed me by remarking, "I think the reason our marriage is so much better is because ever since you read that book, you have finally started to appreciate me." Wow! It is a 2-steps-forward, 1-step-backward process, but we are happier than we have ever been in our marriage. I am so greatful to Robert Mark Alter for helping me appreciate the good man I am married to, and for encouraging me to speak up and insist on respect and kindness at all times.

Have been psychotherapist seeing couples for many years. Often man in heterosexual couple is so defensive about change and threatened by the possibility of responding to his female partner's reasonable requests that he "shuts down" and withdraws from the give and take of a relationship. At times, therapy takes much longer to be successful because of time spent reassuring the man that he will not be wounded if he lets go of some of his defensiveness. What a tragedy because at times when he "gets it", it is too little to late and the relationship is beyond repair. Will use this book at times in my work. Thank goodness the author is a guy! Hopefully men will be more likely to listen to the book's sound message.

This book is funny, compassionate, and if you're in a reasonably healthy marriage, you'll recognize elements of your relationship and find ways to improve communication. It's also beautifully written...this guy is a great writer. Read the excerpt on the MSNBC Today site if you want to see what it's really about. There are a lot of reviews here written by angry people who haven't read the book.

I don't "do" relationship books, but the title snagged me. Being a woman who is married to a man, I HAD to chuckle, so I picked it up and read the jacket, expecting a man-bashing book and the usual relationship blather. Definitely not what this book is about. I was so intrigued that I bought the book, took it home and read it straight through, every word. I couldn't put it down! I howled with laughter, bawled like a baby and came away absolutely amazed. There is a man out there who actually "get's it"! And he explains it to other men in such a way that they may actually "get it!" Well written and straight to the point, Alter uses a conversational tone, humor and examples from his own life and from the lives of couples he's counseled over 30 years to de-mystify marriage and the whole man-woman thing. I gave the book to my husband with instructions to read every word. For the first time in 23 years, I have hope that he may finally "get it", and actually "get" me!