Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors

Being a survivor myself, and suffering from several mental illnesses, including Dissociative Identity Disorder, I was married eight years before my husband decided to talk with my current therapist and figure out things like: Why I can't just get over it or Why, when having a flashback, I can't simply say, "Oh, this is nothing but my imagination." My therapist recommended this book to him.At first, the book seemed a bit on the old side, but as we read, we discovered many nuggets and wonderment within. This book will explain to partners of incest survivors what the process is (internally) in dealing with trauma, the stages, how to get over their own denials and feelings, how to deal with a strained sex life, dealing with core issues, problem areas, children, transference, the traits of an abuser, the traits of a survivor, getting and staying healthy, finding partner's support groups, etc.My personal favorite chapter is the one on understanding the survivor. It talks of every kind of characteristic from low sex drive to self-harm to eating disorders and beyond. This book is an asset to anyone interested in truama, but a MUST for anyone married to or seeing someone who's encountered incest of any sort. Highly recommended! :v)

This book does a FAR better job of addressing the needs and concerns of partners than Allies in Healing (the book recommended by our marriage counselor, and by most others). The two most appealing features of THIS book were Graber's directness about the need for the partner to examine their own role (positive and negative) in the relationship, and about the potential for harmful "replay" behavior inside and outside the relationship.As another reviewer griped, Graber does devote pages to codependency, and the 12-step culture from which it came. It is NOT the focus of the book, and the reader can benefit from this book while remaining skeptical about this "condition". More bothersome is his presentation of extramarital relationships (for both) as a possible interim solution.The greatest value is Graber's experience as a partner, enhanced by his training as a therapist (Allies in Healing is written by a survivor, and reflects that perspective). This is the book for partners to read first, and is an important counter to the survivor-centric thinking that invades a partner's life.

The first and best book I found to help guide me through my wifes journey from abuse victim to survivor. Frank, honest & brief, Mr. Graber unviels many of the mysteries that partners of abuse survivors experience. This book helped me determine my role in this journey. I read this book many times, and reread specific sections when faced with things I did not understand. While this book is not in any way spiritually based, I must say God Bless Mr. Graber.

There are other good books out there for couples dealing with the afteraffects of childhood sexual abuse, but I recommend reading this book first. It's a quick read and packed full of information. The author gives a quick overview of what lies ahead for the couple, what to expect and how to handle the survivor's changing behavior, the importance of us as partners to look inside ourselves for our own issues and areas for improvement, skills for good communication, suggestions on resolving conflict, coping and overcoming difficult situations, etc. Also good for a survivor to read. It helped my partner and I understand each other more clearly. It gave me hope to "hang in there" with my partner and know that with time, and both of us working together, we have a good future ahead of us free from the afteraffects of past abuse. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

Of the books written about survivors of sexual abuse/incest (and I've read almost all of them over the past 25 or so years), Ken Graber's Ghosts in the Bedroom is the finest and clearest I know of for partners of incest survivors. It is concise and well organized, and it raises and addresses questions that those who love, or are in a relationship with, a survivor need answered. I recommend it highly to anyone in such a relationship and also to those men and woman who are themselves victims/survivors of sexual abuse and incest.