From Bondage to Bonding

In her four-part book, FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING: ESCAPING CODEPENDENCY; EMBRACING BIBLICAL LOVE (Colorado Springs: Nav Press, 1991), Nancy Groom reveals to us the many self-destructive machinations that stir in the souls of human beings who have been inordinately deprived of love in their early years receiving instead emotional, physical, or sexual abuse and, like Virgil guiding Dante through the inferno, leads us from our "bondage" to a new life of "bonding love." The first two parts of the book unmask our secret, unconscious "strategies" (sin) to blindly "save our lives" from further harm. With keen insight, born of personal experience and true self-understanding, Groom sketches the picture of our self-centered condition in part one; describes the origin of the problem in part two, while parts three and four walk us in the direction of recovery from our self-obsessed styles of relating. Maturity and freedom lie ahead as we begin to lovingly confront ourselves and others with honesty and authenticity. If you are imagining that the subject of codependency does not apply to you, perhaps, you should consider Groom's working definition: "Codependency is a self-focused way of life in which a person blind to his or her true self continually reacts to others being controlled by and seeking to control their behavior, attitudes, and/or opinions, resulting in spiritual sterility, loss of authenticity, and absence of intimacy" (p. 21). Some have called this book "the best of the best" on the subject of codependency, and although I have only read a few on the subject, this is one of the two books that God used to perform his surgery within my sick soul (the other instrument was INTRODUCTION TO THE DEVOUT LIFE by St. Francis de Sales). I doubt that I would have received heaven's sanction to write about his commands had I not gone under Nancy's knife several years earlier. You want sufficiently sharp tools during surgery--laser is better still--and although no surgical tool can guarantee a quick recovery, at least you know they have a good chance to get "all the cancer." FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING is a laser. But how does one adequately rate a book that gives you sight for your blindness, and assists you in "removing the log from your own eye"? Five stars? Maybe five stars times five stars! Yes, at least that many. Nancy, thank you for your courage in telling your story and for providing the Lord a laser with which to work on the rest of us.

My life has changed dramatically since I read and started applying the biblical principals outlined in Nancy's book. I'm participating in a group at my local church that is reading this book together. When I got to the group 8 months ago, I was a train wreck, I was in the pit of despair and felt as if I was going to die. I wasn't focused on self, but blaming others for my life being such a mess. The margins look like my personal journal as God has continuously used Nancy to reveal me to self. She walks you through facing your own personal issues, even those which we tend to run from (like past abuse) and guides you to taking those things before God in repentance or just simply grieving over losses and hurts that you have experienced. She was the first to tell me it's okay to grieve over being abused before God. She also taught me how to allow God to heal those wombs and not to continue to allow myself to remain a victim and a prisoner of my past. She has taught me how to examine myself and I learned that although I have abuse in my past, I'm the reason for my life being so messed up and my own unhappiness. I needed to deal with my own sin issues. Today I'm learning how to enjoy my liberty in Christ. I'm learning to live and walk in grace and not to try and be perfect anymore. I'm learning it's okay to make mistakes, that God still loves me, even when I fail. I'm learning to allow others to be themselves, no matter what stage they are in their lives. I'm learning to trust God and live one day at a time. I feel a freedom that I have never known, and although I still have people in my life that are self destructing, their behavior no longer has an emotional stronghold on me. The best thing is, it's still okay for me to love them while allowing them to learn their own lessons. My relationships have changed. My life has changed. Thanks Nancy. Thanks for letting God use you.

In her four-part book, FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING: ESCAPING CO-DEPENDENCY; EMBRACING BIBLICAL LOVE (Colorado Springs: Nav Press, 1991), Nancy Groom reveals to us the many self-destructive machinations that stir in the souls of human beings who have been inordinately deprived of love in their early years receiving instead emotional, physical, or sexual abuse and, like Virgil guiding Dante through the inferno, leads us from our "bondage" to a new life of "bonding love." The first two parts unmask our secret, unconscious "strategies" (sin) to blindly "save our lives" from further harm. With keen insight, born of personal experience and true self-understanding, Groom sketches the picture of our self-centered internal condition in part one. She describes the origin of the problem in part two. While parts three and four walk us in the direction of recovery from our self-obsessed styles of relating. Maturity and freedom lie ahead as we begin to lovingly confront ourselves and others with honesty and authenticity. If you are imagining that the subject of codependency does not apply to you, perhaps, you should consider Groom's working definition: "Codependency is a self-focused way of life in which a person blind to his or her true self continually reacts to others being controlled by and seeking to control their behavior, attituudes, and/or opinions, resulting in spiritual sterility, loss of authenticity, and absence of intimacy" (p. 21). Some have called this book the 'best of the best' on the subject of codependency, and although I have only read a few on the subject, this is one of two books that God used to perform his surgery within my sick soul (the other instrument was INTRODUCTION TO THE DEVOUT LIFE by St. Francis de Sales). I doubt that I would have received heaven's sanction to write my book had I not gone under Nancy's knife several years earlier. You want sufficiently sharp tools during surgery--laser is better still--and although no surgical tool can guarantee a quick recovery, at least you know they have a good chance to get 'all the cancer.' FROM BONDAGE TO BONDING is a laser. And, how does one adequately rate a book that gives us sight for our blindness, and assists us in "removing the log from our own eye?" Five stars? Maybe five stars, times five stars! Yes, at least that many. Nancy, thank you for your courage in telling your story, and for providing the Lord a laser with which to work on the rest of us.

I have struggled with codependency for many years and am currently recovering from a broken marriage that was destroyed by mutual codependency. This is the book that taught me the most and helped me the most, without question! I have read Melody Beattie's work, and some of Pia Mellody's; they are both great as well. But Nancy Groom herself has walked down the terribly painful path of codepency and recovery; she did it by abiding in Christ and depending on His grace. The good thing about this book is that she explains clearly exactly what it means to cling to God in difficult times, and how this applies to codepency, in real-life, practical terms. I have never liked nor had any patience with books that give the pat answer, "Trust in the Lord; He'll see you through the storm." Yes, He will, but when you are in the midst of a codepency nightmare, the only way of life you've ever known, you need REAL, practical examples of how to stop and how to move forward. Nancy Groom has obviously read about and studied the subject of codepency extensively; she shares many wonderful quotes in the book. She also incorporates the Twelve Steps, which are also crucial to codependency recovery. Please get this book if you or someone you love has addiction and/or codepency and control issues. It will revolutionize your thinking and help you implement real change. It will also help you move toward a much deeper relationship with God, without which you truly will never get better. I know; until I reached that point, I never really was able to break the chokehold codepency had on my life. Don't lose hope; it CAN be done. I am living proof.

Nancy Groom takes the subject of addressing difficult relationships and how the co-dependent fits into the pattern then goes beyond the average self-help book. She actually describes and then gives effective approaches. She stays with the subject of how to relate to your own false relational styles and not the direction of just finding a different way to be dependent. It is positive. It is very hopeful. It is a pleasure to read and easy to understand.