Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

Dr. David Stoop speaks in terms that may resonate with engineering-types.He describes families in a systems approach using language such as "homeostasis", "action-reaction", and "non-linear systems".As an example, we cannot react to a family problem/dysfunction in an "action-reaction" or "linear" manner. We must realize that each member plays a distinct role, essential for maintaining the homeostasis (i.e., thermostat) of the family system. Thus, each role must be examined prior to formulating a conclusion about the problem. He and James Masteller contribute many examples that support this hypothesis.This book is essential if you are dealing with any type of emotional malady--depression, anxiety, anger, bitterness, stress, etc. Chances are likely that these maladies have found root through a family dysfunction that may have occurred years ago!The workbook found in the book's epilogue is practical if one is *serious* about dealing with a dysfunction.

I always thought I was the one in the family who was *not* in denial - the one who called things as they saw them, but this book showed me that I too, had been in denial. I'd hit parts of this book that were so upsetting or so revealing that I had to set the book aside for a time and think deeply about what I'd read. And it relieved me of tons of guilt and shame I'd carried for years. Quite frankly, this book was an answer to prayer, but it took some wading through the mire and muck to get to the fresh, pure waters. After reading one chapter and doing an exercise, I recalled a painful incident when a family friend harmed me and I told my father about it and he didn't even want to hear about it. My father accused me of being a liar. Subsequently, I made some poor choices in life and I'd always kind of wondered how I'd wandered down that bad path. Stoop's book helped me connect some of the random looking dots and see what happened, why it happened, and why it is okay to forgive myself and forgive the others who let me down. First and foremost, this is a book about healing. The very last chapter though, is rich. It's a section you'll want to read again and again.

I always thought I was the one in the family who was *not* in denial - the one who called things as they saw them, but this book showed me that I too, had been in denial.I'd hit parts of this book that were so upsetting or so revealing that I had to set the book aside for a time and think deeply about what I'd read.And it relieved me of tons of guilt and shame I'd carried for years. Quite frankly, this book was an answer to prayer, but it took some wading through the mire and muck to get to the fresh, pure waters. After reading one chapter and doing an exercise, I recalled a painful incident when a family friend harmed me and I told my father about it and he didn't even want to hear about it. My father accused me of being a liar.Subsequently, I made some poor choices in life and I'd always kind of wondered how I'd wandered down that bad path. Stoop's book helped me connect some of the random looking dots and see what happened, why it happened, and why it is okay to forgive myself and forgive the others who let me down.First and foremost, this is a book about healing. The very last chapter though, is rich. It's a section you'll want to read again and again.

I bought this book after reading another by David Stoop and thought this would be helpful with guiding me through forgiveness from a Christian perspective. It was better than I imagined. The first half is back ground information on identifying yourself as an adult child of a dysfunctional family. The second half if the hands-on steps to forgiveness including a clear understanding of the true goal of forgiveness - your own peace of mind. I felt the most helpful thing for readers to know is Dr. Stoop's position on NOT forgetting. Many people have a big road block to forgiving because they don't want to let anyone "get away" with what they've done or they don't want to forget. He explains that forgiveness leading to your own peace of mind is possible without "giving in," without forgetting and without reconciling. I would imagine that non-Christian readers would have difficulty agreeing with much of his Christian based views. Overall, extremely sympathetic and helpful in releasing your demons and getting on with your own happiness.

This useful book can be worth a year of face-to-face psychotherapy, and in some ways it is more effective. Readers can quickly gain understanding of how painful conditions in their childhood negatively affect them as adults and of the necessary steps they must take to heal themselves. Each chapter includes a competent study guide that focuses the reader's personal journey toward recovery and release from long-standing pain. Readers looking for an excuse for their own adult shortcomings, however, will not find ammunition in this book, which shows how to accept responsibility for our adult lives no matter how dysfunctional our parents may have been. The authors effectively use Christian examples and philosophy in their approach, and this should not detract from the universal relevance of the book except perhaps for readers with a bitter anti-religious attitude. Completing this book is not an easy exercise because it requires the reader to grapple with unresolved issues. The committed reader, however, will be amply rewarded by learning how to use effective tools for healing and recovery.