Forever Parents: Adopting Older Children

The moment Jim and Darlene Kloeppel learned that he has a low sperm count and they would not be able to conceive children together, their lives changed. Due to the demand for adoptable babies, they decided to adopt older children. Over four years they adopted two pairs of siblings who are only two to three years apart: Christopher (age 5 in 1987), Jonathan (age 4 in 1987) Betty (age 9 in 1991) and Thomas (age 7 in 1991). The result was a sometime wonderful, sometimes calamitous family life. Christopher is analytical and creative. His birth brother Jonathan is generous and funny. Betty is gregarious and caring. Her birth brother Thomas is a serious perfectionist who occasionally plays practical jokes. When the latter two came into the home of Jim and Darlene they formed a large family of six (plus pets) that one assumes many couples would be reluctant to establish. But Jim and Darlene are unique individuals. Darlene is a social worker. Jim is an author who previously worked in a university observatory. They accepted the challenges that were forthcoming. Some adopted older children -- like Christopher and Jonathan -- come from stable foster homes, which they are reluctant to leave. They need to be reassured that they can grieve that loss while simultaneously moving on to a more permanent situation. Other adopted older children -- such as Betty and Thomas -- have been through one or more failed adoption attempts. In their case, success with Jim and Darlene was crucial to their development as normal, emotionally healthy people. After many trials and tribulations, Jim writes that indeed he would "go through it all again." Many of the trials this family faced will not be present for a couple such as us, as we are adopting one 5-year-old boy from China. We know nothing about his birth parents and they know nothing about us, so no attempt by them likely will ever be made to contact our son. Unlike the Kloeppels, we will not know our son's medical history from birth. He basically will be starting his life over once he comes home to the United States. With only one child in our family there will be no sibling rivalry issues and no children fighting one another, although that could happen outside the home. This book shows us ways to be loving, caring and patient with our son, while at the same time maintaining expectations of good behavior. If Jim and Darlene had taken the Adoption Learning Partners courses, they might have written that their sons' and daughter's "Journey to Attachment" was not easy because as older children their expectations have already been dashed by others -- "Why should the Kloeppels be any different?" After the Kloeppels adopted Betty and Thomas they had four older -- but small -- children, close in age, which is one form of a conspicuous family. "Surely they can't all be your children," strangers might ask Darlene in a grocery store checkout line, just as they may ask an American mother about her older Chinese son. Responses

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book and wanted to buy a copy to find it's no longer published and a premium price would need to be paid to get a copy.My husband and I are in the process of adopting a sibling group of 2. This is by far the best and closest to home book I've read yet. I enjoyed reading the trials and tribulations of the Kloeppel's and most importantly the wonderful outlook and positive changes that take place. In our process, we realized how every person you tell takes the news differently - some very enthused, some skeptically. I would highly recommend this reading to grand-parents and friends and/or other relatives interested, we need support just like any new mom or dad - although this is a little different, it really isn't. I could even see an older adopted child in Junior High enjoying reading this one.Life is not simple, but it's rewarding with a lot of hard work ...... should adoption be any different.

"Personal" stories about adoption are hard to sell to publishers, since they have a limited market. All's the pity, because they can be invaluable to those of us struggling, or about to struggle, with similar issues. When they discovered James' infertility, the Kloeppels chose adoption, first of one sibling group of two, and later another. This book is an honest, and sometimes painful, account of both the challenges and the rewards the Kloeppels encountered. The Kloeppel felt that they were reasonably well-prepared for the first adoption and very well-prepared for the second; yet, both times, they were taken by surprise and found themselves struggling with the children's serious behavior problems. Their salvation, in many ways, was an adoptive parents' support group. Too bad they were never helped through their agency, via some kind of adoption preservation service, or guided by a knowledgeable family therapist. The good news in this book is that older children can be "successfully" adopted, growing and healing and becoming a source of joy and pride to their adoptive parents. The bad news is that adoptive parents are frequently left to fend for themselves rather than being connected, from day one, with supports and resources to facilitate a successful placement by helping adoptive parents help their troubled kids. By the end of the book, the four Kloeepel children are apparently well-functioning and well-adjusted, and it seems as though their pasts and their adoption are no longer issues. I'm curious about what the Kloeppels would say by way of a sequel, for I cannot imagine that the road ahead will be entirely smooth. At the same time, I am grateful to this couple for sharing their story with me, as I plan for my own adoption of older children.