Fitting in Is Overrated: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider

Author Felder is a psychotherapist who revels in his professional identity, but he writes more like a life coach. And that's a good thing. I rated the book 5 stars because Felder offers realistic, action-oriented strategies to take in a number of difficult situations. The book's title doesn't encompass the variety of challenges Felder addresses. For instance, he offers techniques to deal with everyday stress, difficult bosses and intimidating experts. However, I admit my first response was somewhat negative. I was reminded of all those ugly duckling stories: "Yes, you're different, but underneath you're going to outshine all your critics." But he's got good (though fairly conventional) advice. Felder acknowledges that sometimes you can't invest energy in fitting in; you have to leave. I would have liked to see him go even further. In my experience, people who are most successful have a strong sense of self-awareness. They identify environments where they'll fit and where they won't. For example, on the PBS show Carrier, a female fighter pilot chose a situation where she would not be the first or only female in her group. In contrast, Felder writes about a woman who felt alienated from her own apartment building. A single parent, she bought a condo in a complex with no other children. Felder suggests she seek out more child-friendly people. I would disagree. Some people simply don't want to be around children. This mother should choose a living environment where children were welcome. I'm puzzled by Felder's suggestion for creatives to get day jobs. Sure, creative people often need day jobs -- sometimes all their lives. But they're often challenged to find day jobs where they (a) don't feel alienated and (b) they're not so worn down by their day jobs that they have no energy left for what they really want to do. Jobs tend to grow insidiously, making more and more demands on employees, especially good people. The best part of the book comes when Felder suggests ways of creating connections where you're now the center of the group, not an outsider trying to break past a clique. I especially like his suggestions for creative holidays. Many single people feel alienated at gatherings of families - their own and other people's. I wish he had taken one more step to say, "It's okay to enjoy your own company. Being alone on holidays can be fulfilling and rewarding to some people." Finally, Felder's definition of "outsider" seems broad enough to include just about anyone. I've attended high school and college reunions where people felt they had been outsiders - yet they had photos of parties attended, elections won and memberships achieved. I've experienced groups where I felt like an outsider but later realized the members really liked and accepted me. Sometimes people feel alienated because they have unrealistic definitions of fitting in. And sometimes I suspect that many of us have fit in more than we realize.

This book made me feel good about NOT being part of the 'really popular group' for myself and my children. I highly recommend it for all parents.

This book is a must read for just about anyone - whether you've felt like an outsider or not. I discovered after reading the first few chapters, that I myself am an outsider in many ways, and never realized it before. The author really pulls you in and gives you many opportunities to examine your own life and discover where you can make changes, and how! I've used many of the techniques in my own life, and am already seeing an improvement. When you pick this book up, you won't want to put it down.

This book is well written, conversational and fluid, and full of very useful strategies for dealing with real world situations. Very well done.

Filled with poignant stories and very practical tips for those of us who live, work and dream on the periphery. The chapter on looking for the woundedness in the soul of another was beautiful and powerful. Felder is clearly a gifted and insightful author.