Facing Shame: Families in Recovery

Shame, a close sibling of self-hatred, is probably one of the most powerful and common creators/organizers of human personality, culture and social dynamics. Fossom and Mason's work provides a truly incisive look at how it is constructed and maintained within different family and work environments, and suggests some therapeutic responses/solutions. Particularly brilliant: their analysis of how different types of families are completely organized around shame and shaming, based on actual cases that they dealt with as therapists. The only caveat is that this book seems to have been written for other mental health professionals, rather than for a mass or popular readership. So it is a bit dry and technical at times, with a fair bit of professional terminology. The upside of that however, is that we are spared of the hokey, New Agey, self-help cheesiness that more commercially-oriented books usually suffer from...there is no simplistic 12 step, you-can-do-it-too, rah-rah BS, no wild claims to the effect of "how to transform your life by doing A-B-C five minutes every day for six weeks." It's a fair trade, I think. If you are not a therapist or counselor, just be prepared to skim through the overy technical parts, and underline or highlight the more accessible parts---about 60-70% by my guesstimation.

This book is an enlightening first step in understanding a spouse who is driven by perfectionism, anger and control. Reading the book makes you realize it's not their fault -- or yours either. (This does not make their behavior less destructive, but it's easier when you stop blaming them for it.) The person from this type of family does not have the self-awareness to recognize their own destructive impulses, much less develop the skills they need to have healthy relationships. It's like they are pre-programmed to destroy relationships with family and business partners. After reading this book, you realize that you, alone, cannot help your spouse, and if you keep trying to do it alone, you will only become more frustrated and heartbroken. It is a good guideline to begin therapy with a good family counselor, which I believe is the only way to break the cycle.

Shame has a myriad of origins, this book gives an excellentunderstanding of shame and its effect upon our lives. It helps us todifferentiate the important difference between guilt and shame. Shame deeply effects our self esteem as well as how we view others and eventually our success in life. John Bradshaw, who is also an excellent writer, in his book regarding shame mostly limits his approach to those from alcoholic families. In this book, not only is this area covered but many other areas along with the developmental dynamics of shame and shame-based behaviors. Not coming from an alcoholic family I did not understand my own deep feelings of shame until I read this book. I highly recommend it for any persons who wish to understand themselves better on their road to becoming a more complete, self-accepting and healthy person.

The authors do an excellent job of raising awareness of how shame impacts family relationships. Their limited, but well focused use of graphs and case studies allows them to relay a great deal of information to the reader in a concise but very understandable manner.

The authors bring a great deal of experience, insight and skill in walking the reader through the dynamics of shame. In an unassuming manner, the book explains various phases and manifestations of shame within a family context. Patterns of behaviors are examined and linked to those of other family members and even other generations. I enjoyed how the authors did not saturate the book with case studies, instead they used them sparingly and effectively. This is an in-depth yet readable text on a painful and powerful topic