Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children

I only wish I'd found this book sooner -- it's the one book that's had the greatest positive impact on how I think about raising my identical twin toddler boys. Dr. Friedman hits it right on the head from the start: twins just happen to be born at roughly the same moment in time but need to live life as two unique individuals. And parents can help this process by enabling their children to have truly separate and unique experiences AND relationships that support the development of a healthy sense of self. Dr. Friedman's discussion early in the book about the "twin mystique" sets the tone for her later observations and parenting suggestions. This "mystique" is a set of faulty ideals about twins that are held in popular culture: they inhabit their own private world that only they hold the map to; they feel lost without each other and want to preserve their twosome status into adulthood; one always knows what the other one needs, therefore twins are "each other's predestined partner and confidant." I consider myself a thoughtful, educated and empathic person and parent, and never thought I'd fall into the mindset of this mystique, but this book totally challenged many of my beliefs about twins. And I thank the author for that! I don't pretend to know what being a twin is like, but I now know a lot more about the issues surrounding their healthy development. Friedman's personal story about discovering the need for alone time with each twin really struck an instant chord with me. I can't believe (and kick myself hard!) that I hadn't embraced this idea sooner - it's a remarkably simple solution to the overwhelming feeling of not being mom enough for two little ones who need a lot of your constant attention. I agree, this approach has greatly improved our family relationships and I think it's also relieved our sons of the pressure to be together all the time. Heck, I'd want to kill someone if I spent every waking moment with them, who wouldn't? Our sons now have time just to be themselves without worry of how it's affecting the other - positively or negatively. And their happy little "reunions" after alone time away from each other are so sweet that I know we're doing the right thing for them. I hope this has set the groundwork for less sibling rivalry and fighting in the coming years. And generally happier children. And that's not all -- the chapter "Fathers and Babies, Fathers and Mothers" is worth the price of the book, and then some. Not to be funny, but I think this book will save more than one twin parent marriage. It can be very stressful to navigate all the mental, physical and emotional needs of twins. Dr. Friedman very respectfully speaks about the care and needs of both mother and father and how each can better understand each other while parenting twin children. I can't recommend this book highly enough. I have done just that, to every twin parent friend I know -- who are many. I hope you find this book to be just what you need to g

In my book, "It's Twins! Parent-to-Parent Advice from Infancy Through Adolescence," I stress the importance of promoting individuality in twin children. People often view twins as a set and fail to identify and distinguish the unique characteristics of each child. Even twins themselves may see themselves as an extension of each other, rather than as their own person. While it's a wonderful thing to have this loving and supportive bond between twins, it can also be detrimental to twins if they fail to achieve their own individual potential, form relationships with others, or develop a healthy self-esteem. Joan A. Friedman, Ph.D., an identical twin and the mother of twin boys, has written an excellent book on raising two distinct individuals who just happen to be twins. In "Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children," Dr. Friedman, a psychotherapist, breaks down her "parenting-of-twins philosophy" into 7 key concepts: 1. Think of your twins as two unique individuals. 2. Expect to have different feelings for each child. 3. Give each child consistent "alone time" with you. They need it in order to adequately bond with you. 4. Don't attempt to provide a "fair and equal" childhood for your twins. 5. Don't compare twins to each other; each is on his or her unique life path. 6. Encourage twins to pursue their own friendships and interests. 7. Don't rely on your twins to be each other's constant companion or surrogate parent. If you're pregnant with twins, she explains how to mentally prepare for two separate babies. If you're raising twin babies, preschoolers, elementary school kids, preteens and teens, or young adults, separate chapters are devoted to meeting their emotional needs. There's even a chapter for fathers of twins, which will improve both their parenting and partnering skills. "Emotionally Healthy Twins" is an excellent book that addresses the unique challenges faced by parents of twins -- issues that aren't addressed in standard parenting books.

"Raising Emotionally Healthy Twins" fills the space earlier reserved exclusively for Dr. Spock, except that it defines the understanding necessary to cope with the thrills, worries and trials attached to a 'two fer.' Dr. Friedman has written what I deem to be the ultimate guide to the healthy development of twins - one that speaks from the heart as well as the mind. This is a book which needs to be read by every twin parent. Miriam Harris, Ph.D.

This wonderful book gives easy-to-read tips that really should help parents of twins dealing with the complex subject of how best to raise twins. The author's use of personal examples grabs the reader and helps the book to flow seamlessly; yet there's lots of scientific detail for those who want detailed information supporting the author's premises. One great feature of this book is its clear explication of some basic "dos" and "don't" in parenting twins. The book explains why it's important to treat each twin as a separate person and provides ways to do so, such as having separate birthday parties for each child. A great read and an important one.

Ms. Friedman has written a wonderfully enlightening book that brings raising twins into the 21st Century. She is an identical twin herself, as well as a mother of twins. In addition, she specializes in the treatment of twin-related issues in her practice as a psychotherapist. These experiences have given her a unique perspective on the needs of twins that she has developed into what she calls a new "parenting of twins philosophy." According to Friedman, a lack of psychological boundaries between twins can lead to confused roles and cause problems once they attend school and begin to make friends. She encourages a new perspective of twins, one that views them as two individuals who happen to have been conceived and born at the same time. Along this theme, she advocates the separation of twins as a way to help them develop their own unique identities. As a mother of 3-year-old twins, I am all too aware of the debate and controversy surrounding the issue of when, or even if, to separate twins from each other, whether it's putting them in different cribs, different rooms, or different classes at school. Ms. Friedman provides a depth of understanding of this issue that brings it to a whole new level and introduces many new ideas that had me re-thinking how I both parent and perceive my twins. I thank Ms. Friedman for her valuable insight and experience into the psychological world of twins and will take her suggestions to heart as I try to navigate the sometimes complex world of twins.