Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk about Sexuality

First of all, if you are not an academic (student), nor psychologist, nor parent, then you need to find a book cover to avoid people taking you out of context and misconstruing your motives when reading this book. There are some interesting concepts (like "safe place" and "narrative of ruination") broached in the book to the first timer in the field of psychology related to sex education. Implementing the author's recommendations are impossible in the U.S. due to too much politics and too little funding and the author admits/laments as much in her book. I found the interviews interesting yet the fact that the author couldn't get a large enough sample size to include asians and Indians from India was a yawning chasm in her study. Her study focuses on black, white, and hispanic girls from an urban and suburban school in the U.S. Her findings can be easily implied to the minorities that refused to participate. I think that was just enough field work to convey her points across as to what should be done. I did like the book... when I finished the book I asked myself whether I should pay in the future for a girl's extra-curricular education in either self-defense or drama class. I'll pay for classes teaching Ju Jitsu.

This book shows how listening to young woman opens insights into how they see or fail to see and embrace their sexuality. The so-called moral debates about adolescent sexuality miss this piece: how do people learn to connect to their desires and then make choices that are congruent with their values and needs? This book allows us to hear young women speak about that connection.

I've worked with teen women and sexuality full-time for close to ten years now. For nearly that many years, I've entertained ideas about trying to get an anthology of teen girl narratives about just these topics published, but have been perpetually shot down by publishers because the subject is seen as just too provocative and just too volatile, no matter how vitally important it is for young women's voices to be heard on these issues. I was elated when I found Dilemmas of Desire, because it was clear that Deborah had not only done exactly what I was hoping to do, she did it brilliantly (I feel comfortable saying more so than I could have), within a fantastic context, and with incredibly apt and brave observations and analysis. However astute and important her observations are -- and they are -- they also do not overwhelm the important narratives of the young women she spoke to. Picking up this book was fortuitous: I'd not only wanted a book like it to exist, I found it at the end of a very long editorial process for S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College, my own book, when I was in need of something to remind me that all the work I'd done and do was of some import (nothing like months and months of editing to wear that right out of a gal). I read it on an airplane, and ended up disturbing my fellow passengers with my out-loud, "Yes...yes...YES!" that I just couldn't keep to myself, seeing her words and those of the girls echo so truly what I'd observed -- and find myself troubled so much with daily -- over the years in my own work. Tolman truly nailed it here, with both the narratives and her analysis, and this book is easily in the top ten I'd suggest for anyone who wants to get a solid handle on the current context of sexuality and sexual identity -- and figure out how to help young women strive towards a healthy, happy sexuality -- for young women right now.

When I find ideas that are new to me, well phrased, or worth remembering, I underline or highlight. I underlined a lot in this book. The underlining became a little humorous at one point, when my pen kept returning to the page, underlining almost every sentence from pages 16 through 22. If you are trying to measure how much weight to give my praise of this book, I encourage you to read my other reviews on other books and media on these topics - to determine for yourself if I am just weird or well informed (or both). This is a book discussing teen girls' dilemmas of desire involving relationships, identity, socially acceptable behaviors, sexual feelings, and sexual activity. In the first 20 pages this book pleasantly surprised me by capably explaining diverse concepts about gender and compulsory heterosexuality, emphasizing that careful consideration of those core INDIVIDUALLY DEFINABLE characteristics is key to starting discussions on female sexual and mental health. The book suggests female sexual desires are healthy in adolescence and adulthood, and when society frames them as selfish, perverted, wanton, non-existent, to-be-silenced, man-dependent, marriage-dependent, or gender-limited, then those societal forces often have a disabling effect on women mentally and physically. And the author suggests most men and women (and especially teenage girls) don't see, perceive, or understand how their limited definitions of: a) gender roles, b) 'appropriate' relationship boundardies, and c) 'parameters of pleasure' can negatively effect women, both young and old. The book primarily focuses on teen girls discussing their desires, "something quite courageous, their willingness to speak out about a part of their lives that is, essentially, unspeakable." The author states "I did specifically ask and found that their own sexual feelings posed great dilemmas for the girls I interviewed" "Every girl I interviewed said that no adult woman had ever talked to her before about sexual desire and pleasure 'like this,' that is, so overtly, specifically, or in such depth." "Girls' psyches and bodies do not exist in a vacuum. A girl's personal and family history shapes her experience with desire." The author relays her positive personal experiences by saying, "In looking back over my own adolescence, the impetus of this work . . . I nurtured my own desire and savored these powerful sexual feelings. My memory of desire enabled me to resist the psychological literature that suggests there is something amiss about girls who feel desire." If you read this book and recommend it to others, that would be a kind and thoughtful communication to them, potentially improving their peace of mind, and giving them some indication of your thoughtful consideration on the topics. And if I ever have adolescent children, boys or girls, I will discuss this book with them so they hopefully do not make the many mistakes I made.

This book is a brilliant look at adolescent female sexuality and our society's double standards. I would suggest it for anyone going into motherhood, teaching, or counseling for examinations of how our girls are being taught to be objects of desire for boys without having any desire of their own. If anything, as a woman, it has helped me realize the sexual boundaries that as a teenage girl, I was not allowed to cross. An absolutely fascinating book for anyone interested in female sexuality. A note of caution: The researcher spends most of her time discussing the patriarchy and problems of the "heterosexual" social construct. While she does discuss how this affects sexual desire for bisexual girls and lesbians, how society forces the heterosexual romance upon girls who may want a multiplicity of options, and has three case studies that include those of GLBT orientation, most of her focus is on heterosexual girls and boys. Those looking for a discussion on female GLBT sexuality may want to look elsewhere.