Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away

I am 50-something yrs. old and have been in a tumultuous marriage for the past 20 yrs. I can only say that this book is one of the BEST relationship books I have ever read - and believe me, I've read them all! If you have ever wondered what was wrong in your relationship but couldn't quite put your finger on it. Or have constantly asked yourself, "Is it ME?" Then this is the book to read! I can't tell you how clearly it's written, and how enlightening it is if you happen to have a man in your life that fits into any one of the five categories outlined in this book. (Mine happens to fit three categories like they were written about HIM!). It has been extremely helpful in not only informing me of the behaviors that go with each personality type, but precisely how to recognize them, approach your mate about them, and thank God, how to DEAL with them. It's the first book I've ever read that actually lays out guidelines for all the steps you should follow to get things moving in a positive direction. Or, if you finally recognize that you have a disconnected, shutdown, or unevolved type of mate that can't or simply won't cooperate, then there's no question that it's time to walk and get on with your life! I think we've all had these crossroads in our lives, but the information in this book really helps to identify things that you really shouldn't have to live with, and gives you strength and confidence to actually do something about it instead of wasting your life in a futile state of hope. I would absolutely recommend this book to all women who have ever struggled in a relationship, even if they think these "categories" couldn't possibly be about their man. (It might really surprise and help you). Likewise, I think every mother should provide it to their daughters as soon as they start dating seriously. If I'd had this book at any point in my life before now, I'm sure I could've avoided alot of stupid mistakes and heartache.

This book really opens your eyes to relationship issues, the examples are of everyday things...that people see. It shows the warning signs you chose to ignore, it gets down to the dirt and full of honesty. After reading Dr. Phil's books, and then this one...I fully realize my relationship was never going to change. I had to do something for myself, and forget about trying to always fix HIM. There comes a point when you have to quit looking through rose colored glasses, and see it for what it is. I love this book and have shared it with several friends. I also think it being wrote by a woman, gave it a more personal feel for us females out there....Dr. Phil is great, but he is still a man! I reccomend this book to anyone who thinks they need their eyes opened! Mine were.

Dr. Marshall delivers on her promise to help you decide whether you should work on your relationship or walk away. I saw her talking about this on Good Morning America. Once I read the book, and realized that my husband was the 'Little Boy Who Poses as a Man' (one of the five personality types that leads to a deal breaker), I stopped rescuing him, because I realized that I was feeding into his childlike behavior and he actually started taking some responsibility for himself. But I also realized that I had turned into a guilt-driven mother who felt obligated to save him from himself. The author includes an analysis of "What kind of woman would pick this type of man". I'm guilty-because her description and analysis of me certainly applied. Dr. Marshall writes about five personality types that cause 80% of the problems: The Scriptwriter (he casts you into a role and forms assumptions about you), The Man in Charge (he wants to control you), The Man Without Fault (he gets his feelings hurt and goes on the attack whenever you try to express your feelings), The Invisible Man (he's more connected to his computer, sports games, etc., than to you) and The Little Boy Who Poses as a Man (like a little boy - he does all the taking while you do all the giving). I will be having a blast passing this book around to my friends while we figure out what categories our men fall into. One of my friends heard the author on Gayle King's (Oprah's friend) radio show in a longer and informative interview and bought the book for the same reason. I strongly recommend that you read the book and discover what your man's personality type is. This book has given me a road map for change. The author states that a Deal Breaker (and the process of defining and understanding YOUR Deal Breaker) can be used "not as a weapon but as a tool for change." The examples will ring true if you have ever seriously dated or been involved with a man. I also agree with the writer below who said that the first two reviewers may not have even read this book. This is a thinking girl's book. And yes, as the author states, it can apply to us as well as our men. We can be Deal Breakers too! Whether you are single and dating (my younger sister), working on a committed relationship or married (my mother wants to read it next), I highly recommend it.

I'm wondering if the first two reviews actually read the book, and my guess is no. Here is the thing. We've all been in relationships where we ask the questions listed on the cover. Is it him? Is it me? Should I work on it? Should I go? I myself have been asking myself these questions for quite some time, and when I picked up this book this weekend, I was in the midst of these questions. This book helps you sort out the fine distinctions of relationship troubles and for me, what it ultimately helped me get clear about is what kind of responses are appropriate to issues brought up in the relationship. It isn't male bashing. Its the finer points of interpersonal communication. There are a few of us out there that take a good slap to get it. I think I'm one of them...but this book is helping me get some boundries about whats okay and whats not. An example: If I say to my mate "It really hurts my feelings and feels disrespectful when you don't come home for two hours after you say you will and you don't call and we had plans" and he says "well, thats just the way I am. I don't call. Get a life." its quite clear. He doesn't want to work on something that hurts me. But if he says "I'm sorry. I really dropped the ball there." and offers up something, then you might be able to work on it. The great thing about this book is its clear as day. Here's the problem. Here's his response. Given his response, here is what you should do. You can change a slob, but you can't change selfishness, and this book helps you distinguish which is which for several scenarios. Anyway, I highly recommned this book if you are in this situation. Other great books on the deeper points of relationships can be found in John Gottman's books and the Non Violent Communication work. But when you can't decide in the first place if its healthy and worth fighting for, this book will help you get clear. I wish it had been written about 3 relationships ago for me. ;)

I am extremely pleased with this book. My friends and I are having endless discussions about it over dinner. What strikes me about this book is that it really is the second act of HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. I learned how to not take it personally when bad men weren't into me, from that book. And I moved on...and found men worthy of relationships. But DEAL BREAKERS teaches me how to determine if those relationships are working for me. By urging me to define my deal (i.e. exactly what I want from the relationship), and teaching me how to assess and move forward in a defined mature relationship I am not always left asking "is it him or is it me?". Also, helping me assess the 5 personality types that cause 80% of the problems in relationships was a revelation. I no longer ask "Who is my man and how can I deal with him?". I have a much clearer idea of who I am dealing with and how to solve problems that arise. Where I have been prone to simply "walk" before, now I have greater tools for solutions. I absolutely recommend it.