Dancing in the Dark: The Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships

My 20-yr marriage ended when I uncovered my husband's secret life. It was easy to blame him for everything, and to refuse to see my part in the "dance." During this horrible three years, I read everything from serious psychology, to all of John Gray (Mars/Venus), to various big titles on divorce and betrayal -- plus sat through countless hours of expensive therapy. This book explained more about what was really going on in my marriage than all of the above combined! It is so refreshing to read a book where the "experts" get out of the ivory tower and talk honestly about their own mistakes and imperfections. If you want fluff and fairy tales, avoid this book. But if you are ready to understand the complicated dynamics of intimate relationships in unique and exciting new ways, read this book. It will change your life.

Dancing in the Dark is a realistic and helpful guide to having a better relationship. The Moseleys present real-life scenarios that helped me clearly see the patterns of behavior that I unconsciously enact in similar situations. I had no idea that so many of my relationship issues were so common among others. What's so great about this book is it not only helps you become aware of your own behaviors that can lead to the downfall of a marriage, but gives you the tools to change them. I have also participated in the Moseleys' workshops where they bring to life the concepts from this book. They have taught me powerful methods of communicating with others and how to be honest with myself --- practical tools that have changed my life. This book is highly recommended.

In this excellent book, I saw my relationship on every page. It really opened my eyes to the basis of the power struggles that were happening, the different 'parts of ourselves' that were active in the relationship, and the work that needed to be done to break the gridlock. Very clearly and concisely written, it deals with the reality of relationships and provides hope for what is possible. I have also done work with this couple and they 'walk their talk' , have lived through the processes they describe and know what it takes to make marriage work. This book shows the way to put vitality and intimacy back into your relationship. As a therapist, I have used it extensively with clients as well as personally. Very highly recommended.

This outstanding book elucidates with breathtaking precision and clarity the aspects of our relationships that none of us wants to look at - the struggles for power and control, the attempts to avoid experiencing our own feelings of helplessness and inadequacy at all costs, and the ways we unconsciously use our partners, children, and parents to achieve these dubious and nefarious ends. It gives the best explanation I've seen as to why marriages lose their essential juicy vitality and evolve (or devolve) into brother-and-sister or best-friends sorts of arrangements. Finally, it gives clear and practical suggestions as to exactly what a couple can do to create and maintain true adult intimacy, including some very original and helpful suggestions about expressing anger cleanly and effectively. If you want to stay asleep in your illusions, stay away from this book!

As I read Doug and Naomi Moseley's book, I couldn't believe it! It was as if it was written about me. The interactions they decribed between couples switching from the mother/son to the father/daughter roles describes exactly what I have faced and been so frustrated with but also have felt powerless to change. At one point, they talked about relationship behaviors among people who are forced into adult/caretaker roles at a very young age. This serves them well in the first half of their life because they are responsible, caretakers, and it is easy to attract memberm of the opposite sex who want a mother or father (or son or daughter)in a lover. In the second half of their life, however, this becomes frustrating if they are the kind of person who wants MORE from a relationship. Most importantly, Doug and Naomi offer hope that we can move beyond these ingrained patterns and into a truly integrated, adult relationship. I can only hope there is no shortage of men seeking this as well