Cutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents

I have struggled for years to deal with very "ill" parents. My mom was raised with a severe alcoholic and was very abusive to me. I have been through years of counseling. I have a great husband and two adorable children. I am educated. I could never put my mom behind me-it was always there. Should I call? Should I see them? Am I bad? This book literally changed me. It changed my life and help free me...I am adult...

This book helped me get a clearer understanding about my chronically unhappy parents' controlling, manipulative behavior. This book helped me devise some good management strategies for dealing with my parents and facing up to my inaccurate belief, learned from my parents and then cultivated by me, that maybe I was really was the cause of their misery and thus kind of owed them whatever they wanted out of me, no matter how costly to me. Bottom line: Give up all expectation that your parents--or other family members and friends--will EVER change in their lifetimes, even in the face of terminal illness and dying. In the statistically unlikely event that they do change, it's because they want to do the work of changing for themselves, not because any of us has (or should rightfully possess) the power to change others. In the meantime, the only thing any of us can control is our own reaction to our unhappy parents' behavior, including the ongoing decision about whether to spend any further time with them on their terms, our own terms, or somewhere in the middle. Good luck, be firm and kind and clear, and be mindful of the fact that it is your life to live and manage--not theirs. If they're miserable, that is a very sad and hard thing to see in one's parents, but it is their problem, not yours.

I have NEVER been a person who believed that a self-help book could change your life. But this one changed mine! I read this book years ago (I am buying it now for a friend). I was in my 30's and I was still intimidated by my mother's manipulation. This book made me slap my forehead and say to myself "why on earth have I put up with this for so long???!! If ever a book liberated me, this book did. It showed me that it takes two to tango. If I didn't like the way my mother acted, there wasn't much I could do to change her behavior. However, I COULD change the way I responded - I could refuse to "dance the dance." For any adult who feels intimated or bullied by a parent, this is the book to read. Highly recommended!

This book has hits the nail on the head when explaining why a controling,manipulative,self destructive parent behaves in the manner that they do. It also attempts to explian why and how the child participates in this song and dance. It also gives good advice on how to break the cycle and move forward to a more productive parent/child relationship or the reasons when and why you should end the relationship. All this is clearly written and easy to follow. What I liked most was the compassion and point blank honesty that is directed at the parents part and the childs part. I AGREE WITH THE AUTHOR THAT THE FAMILY RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE PRESERVED YET NOT TO ALL COSTS.

If we know what's holding us, then there is a good chance we can get loose. Parents for some reason want to hold on and strangle the future of their children. Maybe because they didn't always want us around; maybe for some parents never wanting us from the beginning. Cruel Statement you say, well I don't think so. The passages in his book seem like he was right there with me. These statements made by Halpern are not just once in awhile in his book, but all too often. It puts the problem where it belongs and points us in the right direction. This knowledge is a way of cutting loose of their strong hold, once and for all. After exposure to these writings it is very difficult to turn back, very difficult to make excuses anymore. I'd say almost impossible. You end up knowing why these things happened and where to start. Good luck. One personal comment: The talk of this book has been too little. Not enough people read it. We heard it said that if I knew this years before, my life would be so much better. If you read this to the last chapter then years no longer need to be wasted.take care - steve write to [email protected]