Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You

So many books on "verbal abuse" (including some of Evans' previous works) attempt to instruct their readers in the fine art of defensive verbal comebacks, one-liners and linguistic turnarounds on the assumption that what is said is what's happening, and if only a person can formulate an effective reply, that person can defend him- or herself from verbal attacks.But while some of these books remain useful, they ultimately failed in their attempts precisely because the initial assumption was wrong. The essence of verbal abuse is not in the words, or even in how they are said, but in the intention to control. Controlling verbal behaviors often do not fit any previous definitions of "verbal abuse". "Have a nice day," for example, can be an attempt at control, depending on its context and intention. (For a stark example, see the case of Beth Friedman's accuser in the "Betrayal of Trust" episode of "The System" on CourtTV, 2003.)The differentiation of controlling behaviors from old concepts of verbal abuse is the central insight, theme and focus of "Controlling People" -- an ironic double-entendre. It is, as well, a major step forward in the literature on this subject.Evens' analysis of how controllers get to be that way is at once non-comprehensive and brilliant. It's non-comprehensive in the sense that there are surely other scenarios that could produce the same pattern of behaviors she describes. It's brilliant, however, in its near NLP-style modeling of one developmental scenario in which a person can get his/her identity with regard to the relationship of self and other reversed, projected, re-perceived, then responded to (by the same identity) as if from the outside-in, effectively ending all possibility of genuine relationship and communication with an 'other' person.Confusing? It can be. But Evans does a beautiful job of dispelling the confusion.She goes on to describe a number of ways a person can detect controlling behaviors early on by recognizing "backwards approaches" signaling outside-in built identity structures -- long before overt "verbal abuse" patterns emerge (but which predictably will).Her exploration of this patterning is of immense value to persons wishing to avoid getting personally involved with controllers who, at the beginning, seem to be nothing but charming, perceptive and sweet. Initial attempts at control often start in the first interaction. If recognized, a great deal of trouble and grief down the line can be missed in favor of developing healthier, happier relationships.Catching on to this "backwards approach" can be a bit of a trick, particularly if you are using it, yourself. This book isn't very good, as I believe no mere book can be, at resolving developmental identity issues in the reader. For that, NLP or psychotherapy can be more helpful. But once you catch on to recognizing such patterns in others, many of them start to look obvious.I wouldn't recommend this as the only book to own on this subject

Clarity!This book is awesome. It offers understanding where no one else does. I truly believe it is new groundbreaking insight into the world of the Controlling Person. I say this with confidence because I, like the reviewer "Alliasus" here, have also read stacks and stacks of psychology and self help books in all-out effort to understand my Controlling Person husband of 18 years. En route, I gained lots of helpful insight, but, NO insight, at all, as to why he is the way he is. On this basis I can say I don't believe this information existed until Patricia Evans wrote this book. I think this is all-new insight, and counselors and lay people alike really need to read it! I think when people begin to discover this book there will be no stopping it. Because there are legion of us out here who live in relationships that make no sense. Our partners act awful and senselessly, but yet, we know in our hearts they are not evil at heart, and our hope in humankind says there must be some sense to this? Well, there is. Patricia Evans finally makes sense of it in this book. What a relief, to have the pressing mystery solved. When you are a woman and this is your marriage, the mystery rather takes over your whole life. It is a major epiphany to finally get the light of understanding. Therefore, I understand exactly why yet another well-read reviewer here says that this book is second only to the Bible. I know just what she means. The Bible is the most important book in my life too. I know I will always have this book (Controlling People) right up there on my list of most important books I have ever read in my life. Bible-Lovers: this doesn't mean Patricia Evans has Bible quotes in here. There are none. But, she speaks truth in this book, and you will recognize truth when you see it.What a disservice the editorial reviewer, Susan E. Burdick, has done here at the top of this review page - telling librarians through the Library Review magazine that this book belongs in the hands of lay counselors. No way, Ms. Burdick! As the readers here attest, this is Every Person's book. Evans writes extremely clearly, and her unique style is absolutely engaging. Ms. Burdick makes quite a pressumption, an ignorant one, when she says "lay readers who feel controlled will find this a hard read." On the contrary, those of us involved in controlling relationships will not be able to put this book down, and will want to start back in the beginning and read it a 2nd and 3rd time. I shudder to think what kind of impact Burdick's review might have. Will her influence discourage some librarians from ordering this book, keeping it out of the hands of the many persons in every town, no matter how small, who need this book? What a shame. I hope another Editorial Reviewer will review this. I do not expect Burdick to get a second on this one.

In the famed "Velveteen Rabbit", the child's stuffed animal is loved so much that it comes to life. In some relationships because of control, the opposite happens. The real person is reduced to feeling like a mere stuffed animal, without life. Thanks to Patricia Evans, there is now a clear roadmap for relationships, leading to renewed life for each individual as well as the relationship. Patricia innately captures mysterious communication problems and gives understanding to people who've been struggling for answers. Her work is unique. One will not get this information from counselors or other books. The treasure contained in this book has been life-changing and life-giving to me. This is an excellent book for every person. It is extremely practial and easy to read and understand. Don't wait a day to get your own copy.

As a psychotherapist in San Francisco, I am delighted to recommend this book to my clients. Evans has a gift for presenting profound insights in a simple and clear manner that everyone can both understand and employ. As in her other two books ("The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out"), she identifies and explains a problem that is right under our noses. Evans helps the reader learn how to break free from someone who is pretending to know how he/she thinks and feels. And, rather than demonizing controllers, she explains with compassion their desparate need to connect and to experience closeness. It is quite possible that at least some people who try to control us are simply unskilled in how to connect in which case this book is a powerful educational tool. And, in helping one escape the backward connecting attempts of controllers, the book guides controllers with deeper psychological problems toward getting the professional help they need. In either case, Evans encourages us to insist on being seen authentically, i.e. as one reveals him/herself to another, not as the "pretend self" controllers try to impose on us. This book is for anyone who wants to live with their eyes open. As in her other writings, Evans has given us a book about clarity and freedom.