Coming Out Within: Stages of Spiritual Awakening for Lesbians and Gay Men

Written in 1992, when perceptions of LGBT lifestyles were culturally far worse than today, this book was an uncommon voice. "Coming Out Within" - by Craig O'Neill, a Catholic Priest, and Kathleen Ritter, a psychotherapist and professor at CSU Bakersfield - asserted a premise (in 1992) that many (if not nearly all) non-heterosexuals developed their gender, sexual, familial, work, role, and relationship identities in a "heterosexual-only" Western Culture environment. In the late 20th Century, LGBT self-images were often created in dramatic and constant incongruities with popular "acceptable imagery." It is important for everyone, in any era, to have easily available access to healthy portrayals, imagery, and written contextual reasoning to support our honest feelings and desires. If you want to understand why I work so consistently to highlight intelligent, healthy, and considerate LGBT images of relationships and sexuality, then reading this book will give you more cultural imagery and self-perception concepts to consider. I would not be surprised if Deborah Tolman, who in 2005 wrote "Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk About Sexuality," read "Coming Out Within" before writing her introduction to her book. Tolman's discussion of a "heterosexual exclusive" culture has many similarities to the authors' ideas in "Coming Out Within". "Coming Out Within" may help homosexuals recognize some of their likely unrealized hurt, loss, and pain they took onto themselves as "expected" or "part of being gay in a straight society." The authors suggest it may be more healthy to acknowledge the mistreatment and unfairness they've grown accustomed to receiving from heterosexually-dominant families and communities. "Some lesbians and gay men achieve success in the workplace at the expense of their integrity. They pretend that they are not who they are and, as a result, live distant from their inner beings, often in a world of fear and denial. The trappings of success that come with buying into a hetrosexually based life image are exchanged for the turmoil of incongruity and the pain of living separated from their souls. Peter Tchaikovsky described this well when he said, 'All that is left is to pretend. But to pretend to the end of one's life is the highest torment.' " p. 26 The authors then outline a therapeutic 8-Step process from "Loss to Transformation," giving many illustrative and practical examples each step of the way. I don't recommend the book because I think their 8-phase healing process is the way to address related issues. I recommend the book because their 8-phase process is one more way to consider addressing related issues. The authors also wisely recommend individual counseling in addition to taking self-therapeutic steps.

I am not overexaggerating when I say that this is one of the most helpful books that have been published for lesbian and gay folk trying to understand the experiences involved in coming out. It was of profound help in my own journeying through the dynamics and issues involved in coming to terms with the changes involved in coming out. Spiritually reassuring. Very helpful for parents of gay and lesbian folks too.