Coming Out of Shame

Kaufman, Geshen and Raphael, Lev. "Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives", Doubleday, 1996. Making a Change Amos Lassen and Literary Pride Reconciling oneself to the fact that he or she is gay has always been an issue in our community. We so badly want to be accepted, yet we are slow to accept ourselves. We grow up, in many cases, learning that to be gay is to be mentally ill, that we are unnatural and that we are abominations in the eyes of our religions. By the tie we reach our teen years and adolescence, those negative attitudes seem to be reinforced within us with a feeling of shame. We feel this way not for what we can do but for who we are and because of our sexuality. It is not easy to reach a plane where we are at peace and is many times the hardest struggle we ever face. Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael, a long-time couple in "Coming Out of Shame" show us what that shame can do to us and how big a role it plays in our lives. Shame is an emotion that is rarely discussed but its importance cannot be underestimated. It shapes everything we do, especially self-esteem, identity and intimacy with others. We are very easily hurt in those three areas and we must become aware of how to deal with it, which is not always easy. Many times shame can cause us to hate ourselves ad bring about behavior that can be destructive, This is one of those books everyone should read. The issue of shame during the coming-out process is powerful and we need to rid ourselves of it. Pride is only there when it s real and sincere. Kaufman and Raphael help to give the reader a sense of freedom and this is what we so badly need. When I was coming out I spent a lot of time reading about the world that I was to be a part of. It is too bad I did not have this book back then. It is a careful examination of shame, both sociologically and psychologically and it compassionately explains where shame fits into he lives of those of us that are gay. The sensitivity displayed in the book is healing and I think everyone who reads it will feel a great deal better afterwards. That inner-turmoil that is in so many of us can be alleviated and we all know how difficult it is to come out. Many of us are damaged by the whole process and here is a way to repair that hurt. Coming out is not an easy process and this book will help make that process easier. Undoubtedly there will always be hurt and pain and it often recurs but it can be eased. Shame is an internalized feeling ad to get it out is rough. Shame also is silence in many cases. To break that silence of gay same, the authors recommend a way to come out of it. It is a journey -a journey toward self-acceptance and becoming whole. They give us looks at their own experiences and provide a variety of strategies. I was inspired by what I read and when I look at where I am today in terms of what I went through, I am very proud of who I am. I wasn't always. My gay pride is also my self pride and many of us need to le

This was one of the first books I read when I first began exploring my own lesbianism, and it was THE book that made a difference for me at the time. Looking back on it several years later, there are some aspects of the book I find a little wishy-washy, but it's still a very good book. The writers display a tremendous amount of sensitivity to the myrad of ways shame can affect LGB people, including how it manifests itself in our romantic relationships. Also, even though the authors are gay men, I felt lesbians were adequately represented in the book. I highly recommend it to anyone in the process of coming out, or to straight people who want to sensitize themselves to the harm caused by homophobia.

Fro anyone who is struggling with coming out issues, or for anyone who has a gay or lesbian friend or family member this is an ESSENTIAL read. The book deals with the issue of shame that is tied to the coming out of many gay and lesbian people and offers help in getting rid of that shame. Written with compassion, this book gives the reader a sense of freedom and is a gret help in the coming-out process. Highly recommended!

As a young man coming out, my journey of self-discovery started with quiet months of reading. I read everything I could get my hands on about homosexuality and being gay. This book stands out as the single greatest influence during and since that time. The authors have taken a careful and thorough examination of the sociology and psychology of shame as it relates to being gay. The reading is thick, but worth the time to slowly wade through and internalize the material. I found myself saying, "Finally, someone who understands my whole mindset!" I began to change my thinking as I read it. Congratulations to the authors for writing a book so important to the lives of many.

I'm not eloquent enough to tell you about why this book is so good or how it helped me so much, but I do want people who are reading the customer reviews for this book to know that this book made a HUGE and POSITIVE impact on my life--it really helped me combat my inner turmoil over self-esteem and coming/being out. Coming out is one of the hardest things I think any human being has to do--and there are a lot of emotional issues tied up into it, one being this guilt or shame of existing. ("I feel guilt/shameful that I'm gay.") Society burns this feeling into gay and lesbian people's brains. This book will help you repair some of that damage and find your true, whole self. I am so thankful to Drs. Kaufman and Raphael for writing this book--it is truly an important contribution to the literature about coming out and an honest-to-God lifesafer. I recommend this book with all my heart.