Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct

This is basically a book about being a good person and respectful of others. Give it to the jerk in your life.

Calling this an etiquette book is misleading; it's a guide to living morally in increasingly me-me times. Forni's advice-ranging from how to make guests feel included to how to apologize to how to assert yourself-all hinges around one all-important ideal: recognizing yourself as part of a larger community. To that end, the basis of civility and the 25 tips are all about learning to recognize how our actions affect others and ultimately come back to impact ourselves. Forni makes a strong case that civility is an ethical code, and it's obvious by his warm, humanist take (there's no doctrinaire rules-issuing here) that he practices what he preaches.

Read and thoroughly enjoyed CHOOSING CIVILITY byDr. P.M. Forni, a professor who teaches civility and Italian literature at Johns Hopkins University . . . it is a little butthoughtful book that I strongly recommend to anybody looking to make life both easier and more enjoyable . . . we all find ourselves surrounded by those we perceive as inconsiderate (never us,of course!) . . . but how can we manage to live with such people?Forni presents lots of useful examples, as well as advice,on how to answer that question . . . in addition, he provides25 rules that readers are urged to at least ponder . . . someof them are as follows:Acknowledge others Be inclusiveBe agreeable Apologize earnestly and thoughtfully Avoid personal questions, Don't shift responsibility and blameWhile all these might seem basic, in reality, theyare quite a bit trickier to follow . . . but Forni got me thinking about them, and that's a goodthing . . . now to actually implement them into my daily existence, well . . . that's somethingI can at least work toward!There were many memorable passages; among them:Healthy young men from two Harvard classes of the early 1950s were asked to fill out a questionnaire that would assess how close they were to their parents. A check of their medical records 35 years later yielded intriguing data.One hundred percent of the men who had reported low levels of closeness to both parents had been diagnosed in the followingyears with serious diseases such as heart disease and duodenal ulcer. Among those who had reported good, warm relationships with both parents only 47 percent had been similarly diagnosed.A colleague tells me over the telephone that she went to Florida for a vacation. Instead of asking her how her vacation was, I hasten to tell her how I feel about Florida. I quickly add what I like to do when I am there. And finally, I break the fascinating news that I was there two years ago, didn't go last winter, but hope to return the next. The result: my colleague's experience and feelings get lost completely in my inane and self-centered rambling.It's Saturday morning and you are not planningto go out all day. Do you have to shave? Do youhave to wash your hair? Do you have to wear cleanunderwear even if that means doing a load of laundrybecause you underwear drawer is empty? Maybe you want to shave, wash your hair, and wear clean underwear,because you wouldn't be comfortable otherwise. Butyou may need and incentive. If it's hard to do the grooming just for yourself, do it for those who shareyour home. No one will be physically closer to youfor a longer time than your companion, your spouse,and your family. Make sure that your body care is such that it adds to their pleasure in being with you.Let's disabuse ourselves of the rather common notion that although we are expected to be wellgroomed in public, there is nothing wrong with a littleprivate slovenliness. This is part of a larger assumptionthat good manners in general can be forgottenwhen w

Various levels of inconsiderate behavior seem to have become daily habits in our goal-oriented society. Whether it's malicious office gossip or road rage, such incivility essentially contributes to decreased personal and professional satisfaction. But in today's fast-paced world, it seems a constant challenge to maintain poise and cordiality in the face of everyday difficulties. With the author's preceding claim that he is a 'flawed messenger bearing a good message', P.M. Forni offers a combination of common sense and ethics which culminate in a rediscovery of strategies to become more sensitive and considerate towards eachother. His thoughtful handbook Choosing Civility is more than a simple manners guide or book of etiquette rules, but an unearthing of the inherent values that somehow got trampled upon in our modern day race towards success. This enjoyable and insightful book is worth anyone's time who values their physiological health, interpersonal relationships, job satisfaction, or company's bottom line.

Psychotherapists often work with clients who, for a variety of reasons, just can't seem to get along with other people. Teachers of psychotherapy work with trainees who are learning how to get along with their clients. Families face questions about how to help things run smoothly and how to help children behave better. P.M. Forni's small but mighty new reference, Choosing Civility, is the only book I can recommend to all readers. And if readers are open to his insights and willing to do things differently to improve their relationships at home and at work, Choosing Civility may be the only book they'll ever need.Forni has produced a book that is at once smart yet accessible to a wide audience. It is full of concrete examples and personal anecdotes, and it is written in a warm, engaging tone that is usually impossible for academics to achieve. Though it will eventually appear effortless, civility requires work - conscious effort guided by vision and perseverance. We "make" nice after all, but the practice of civility, as Forni's well-sourced text reveals, is the royal road to health and happiness. Not only is civility the path to personal contentment and connection, but it's good for business too. Often, nice guys do finish first.We have been led astray into thinking that it is somehow more honest to be in touch with our feelings and blurt out whatever comes to mind to whomever we encounter rather than seeing training in etiquette as being training in sensitivity. Civility encourages strength and assertiveness, and it helps us find the tools to say the right thing at the right time to the right person, not everything to anyone. Civility will help people speak freely, not intemperately or abusively.Choosing Civility offers many valuable relationship management strategies. Everything about relationships, in psychotherapy and beyond, is knowable. Choosing Civility is the ideal companion while we risk reaching out to our preferred visions of the future and ourselves.

Choosing Civility is a much-needed book. The world that we live in seems to have lost touch with the things that are truly important: connection, friendship and loyalty. These things are all acheivable through one simple concept: civility.PM Forni's book is simple and straightforward. I was worried that, because of the academic background that I found in his biography, the book might be too difficult and cerebral. Fortunately, the writing is concise and accessible; witty and fresh, so the concepts Forni puts forward are easy to understand and implement. This isn't to say, though, that the book is trivial. There is some serious research behind the writing, and the author seems to be very passionate about his subject.Choosing Civility is a wonderful book to read, and the message is important. A definite winner!