I'm trying to eat a foot-long hot dog in a Barnes and Noble parking lot, but it's fifty below zero out, and blood is dripping from my eyeballs. Someone sends me a text in Chinese. I paste it into Google Translate, and it says something like "I'm dying on a picnic bench in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, and my pet alpaca is running in a primary election in the fall." I'm not sure if it's a political spam, or a plea for help. Book...