Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate

This book by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro has rightfully won a prize offered by the International Institute for Conflict Prevention and Resolution for the best book on negotiation. The book focuses on the important role emotions play in negotiations and offers a practical framework for dealing with them constructively. Throughout the book Fisher and Shapiro present recognizable examples, ranging for day to day situations we all encounter to political negotiations with huge impact for millions. For me, the most interesting part of the book is were the authors explain five core concerns -- appreciation, affiliation, autonomy, status and role -- and their effect on decision making. They provide sensible advice on how to use these concerns as levers to keep negotiations constructive. Here is a quote from the book giving you an example: "Perhaps the most powerful way to soothe someone's emotions is to appreciate their concerns. There are three elements in appreciating someone. You want to UNDERSTAND the other's point of view; FIND MERIT in what they are thinking, feeling, or doing; and COMMUNICATE the merit you see." I think that is a terrific way to put it! The content of this book is one thing that makes it worthwhile. Another reason why I like it is that it is exceptionally well-structured. I like it when authors do their very best to make it as easy as possible for readers to understand their core messages. Fisher and Shapiro succeed very well in this.

As an attorney this book has altered the way I argue my cases. It has given me insight into the negotiation process in a different way than any other book I have read on negotiation. The five core concerns have helped me when I talk with my client, other attorneys and even when I interact with the judge. I also use the five core concerns in my personal life. You can grasp them in only a few minutes, yet they have a complexity to them. When you read the chapter about the ex-President of Equador you can understand how these core concerns can work on any level - personal, professional, or political. It is a must in everyone's library.

In MBA school we are taught to negeotiate with a lot of figures, charts, graphs, etc. Once all the facts are known, the decision is simple. The problem with that is two fold: 1. They are typically based on projections that may well not be true (remember the Edsel and the Convair 880). 2. They ignore the feelings of the other person involved, and feelings are very important. Sometimes (often) a decision is made that is not to the person's best interest simply because of feelings. This book breaks down the five core emothions of feeling appreciated, alone, imposition, put down, trivialized. It covers business negeotion, but perhaps even more important is negeotiating with teens (but not two year olds), the mentally ill (ex-wives included), the drunk in a bar. The techniques described here are given examples in buying a small item, presenting a case to the Supreme Court, to discussing border disagreements between a couple of nations. In short, we all negeotiate all the time, it works best when both parties feel that they got the best of the deal.

I recently finished reading "Beyond Reason" by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro. The book is centered on an idea that emotions play an important role in negotiations and provided an analytical view on how to best manage the emotional side of negotiations. While I was aware that emotions can have a big impact on a negotiation, or even a conversation, I really enjoyed the perspective that the authors offered on dealing with people who "abuse" the power of emotions, ranging from coercion by threat to playing on sympathy. Although the advice of the authors was generally helpful, I sometimes questioned practicality of following the guidelines in day-to-day affairs. For example, the authors encouraged the readers to document and discuss each of the negotiations as part of constant learning process, often spending sixty to ninety minutes in follow up discussions. As a manager of a development team with frequent meetings, such analysis would put a significant damper on my productivity. However, I realize that the book is not intended to be followed as a "manual" and each person may have to make practical adjustments. Overall, the book is a "must read" for everyone, not just frequent negotiators. In the book, I found a lot of advice on how to respect the emotions that govern the meeting in many different settings. Since I learn best from seeing complex concepts in action, the case study that concluded the book put a neat "bow" on a very enjoyable and valuable read.

I heard about this book from a friend in my reading group. Seven of us get together each week to discuss a novel or nonfiction. At first, I thought: "Why should I read a book on negotiation? I don't negotiate for a living?" But the book made me realize, first of all, that we negotiate all the time - whether with our kids, spouse, car salesperson, etc. What REALLY struck me, however, was the "five core concerns" they discuss. I've always been taught to hide my emotions. And this book helped me figure out how to USE my emotions in positive ways. I now approach my conversations with my husband and kids much differently. A simple book, but for me: life-changing!