Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce

I rarely read other reviews before writing my own, but in this case I was curious to see if earlier readers had expressed outrage at the author's premise. Response from readers to date appeared rather sympathetic to Ms. Marquandt, which suggested to me that this work may be reaching more childhood survivors of divorce than the perpetrators. I do wonder if the author is pleased with this apparent outcome, since her concluding remarks seem more directed toward adults in the contemplative stages of a divorce; the editing of the book does not necessarily serve that purpose. I was surprised that a work of this nature was funded and promoted in the first place. Although ethical therapists have known of the psychological damage of divorce for years, who wanted to "make half of America feel guilty?" [particularly when many of those "guilty" are therapists themselves.] Apparently, the psychological abuse of divorced children just could not be ignored any longer. "Between Two Worlds" draws its intellectual meat from a study funded by the Lilly Foundation in 2001 and conducted by the Institute for American Values, for which the author serves as an affiliate scholar. Approximately 1500 adults participated in the written study, with the author interviewing about 70 participants for the narrative of the work. The statistical results of the study are presented in detail at the book's conclusion. The subjects were selected from a carefully defined cohort: at some point in their childhood the subjects' parents had divorced, and in their own subsequent adult lives the subjects had attained some measure of success, such as graduating from college or distinguishing themselves in business or the arts. The purpose of selecting this particular type of subject was to determine if divorce had left scars on the highest functioning cohort of its victims. I suspect the underlying premise was to discredit the current misconception that there is such a thing as a "good divorce scenario" for minor victims of marital break-up. Certainly none of the interviewed subjects had much good to say about their lives as divorce victims. Just from the aspect of practicality, children of divorce are inevitably exposed to years of gross intrusion into their humble efforts to craft an existence of their own. Imagine, as an adult, if every Friday you had to pack an overnight bag, leave your neighborhood and "your stuff" behind, and spend your long awaited weekend from work in a new, strange surrounding where, more often than not, no one knows quite what to do with you. Maybe not a sin that cries to heaven for vengeance, but I wouldn't want to take the chance. The practical hell of divorced living for minors eventually subsides as children grow into college years. But what about psychological scarring? Here is where the author does her best work, looking at the perceptual balancing act that even the youngest children must learn in their tender years: how do I please both mom and dad? Marq

I picked this book up on a whim off the shelf, read it in two nights, and came out of it in a whole new place. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my brother was 2. My father remarried but my mother never did. They both still live in the same town, as do I, yet I have been estranged from them for 2 years now with very little communication. I guess I want to reconcile with them, which may be why I still live in the same town, I am not really sure. Regardless we have had group therapy sessions from time to time to try to work this out but they never really go anywhere except circular frustration. I have tried to communicate with them on numerous occasions in both these sessions, informally, and in writing but with little success. I always felt like they never really understood. I kept telling them that I felt like I was stuck in the middle between them: taking care of my mother as a husband, getting frustrated with her for being helpless, feeling shamed for thinking her helpless, getting pissed at my dad for putting me in that position, thinking my mom was getting back at my dad through me by making me mad at him, then feeling guilty about thinking this about my mom, blowing them both off and acting out, and then back to taking care of mother and her feelings; around it went and still goes. This catch 22 is what I have tried to explain to them but then self-doubt comes and I feel I am overreacting. I tell myself that because the divorce was so long ago, and was what might be considered a "good" divorce, that I should be "over" it. This has been lonely for me and I have recently realized this is not healthy. Yet I didn't know how to get on with my life without this confusion; being trapped in between. So 2 years ago I stopped dealing with my parents almost entirely to move forward for myself but I still hope that they might understand this dilemma of mine. Maybe we might come to some understanding some day. I had never really imagined how this might occur (outside of therapy) but I think when I read "Between Two Worlds"I had a hint at a direction. Many of my feelings and my situation are reflected in her story and the numerous other stories told by the other children of divorce within the book. The fact that she has empirical evidence and a comprehensive study to back up her anecdotal style make this book even more impressive to me. It was enjoyable and inspiring read. I neither want to fall into the victim trap and blame my parents for my suffering nor do I want to feel guilty about this anger and hide the hurt that the divorce has caused me any longer. This might be the most inspiring thing about "Between Two Worlds" and Elizabeth Marquardt is how she navigates this delicate edge so gracefully. This book gives me hope as a step forward with my parents (I recommended they read it) and a step inside for understanding myself. I didn't mean this review to get so personal. I do wish I had a copy of the book so I could be more specific to the tex

I highly recommend this book to young adults with divorced parents. I am 26-years-old, outwardly successful (master's degree, yuppie job, friends, in-touch with my family), yet I routinely battle intense sadness, loneliness, and feelings of isolation. This book addresses highly functional and successful children of divorce (like me) who still suffer profoundly when it comes to social interactions, concepts of home, family, and relationships (like me). As a previous reviewer noted, I nod my head over and over in recognition and agreement as I read this book. When I read, I have a compulsive habit of dog-earing pages that are especially poignant and/or relevant to my life. In this book, I have folded almost every corner. The themes that stand out especially include the divided home/shadow home and never feeling like I truly belonged anywhere; the concept of feeling like a "little adult" growing up, having to take responsibility for my own well-being, as well as trying to defend or protect my parents' emotions; time alone and with adults, and the general lack of conventional/healthy socialization; terrible holidays; isolation and lack of anyone to manage or navigate me through the peculiarities of divorce; and general worry, distrust, and uncertainty about the future. I have only read the first half and look forward to updating this review when I have finished. I skipped ahead to the Conclusion last night. It's probably less than ten pages long. The ideas in the Conclusion are so simple but so powerful (what we want for ourselves and our families). I read them and just started crying. A lot of these ideas float around in my head, but this is the first time I have seen them articulated, written down, and generalized into principles that apply to many. The ideas are sad and frustrating to deal with, but it is nice to know I'm not alone in these feelings, and that people in my situation can move on and succeed in relationships, creating a home, and finding peace. I wish there were a way that young adults who read this book could get together, as I think we'd have a lot to talk about. Thank you Elizabeth!

Between Two Worlds is an eloquent, compelling, and breakthrough book. It is so much more than a report on a survey. It tells moving story after moving story, is a kind of substitute support community, and awakens in the reader an awareness of the inner lives of all children. I read Elizabeth Marquardt's book from two perspectives: one, as an over 30-year religious educator, and two, as the child of an "intact, unhappy, and high conflict marriage." The "child" that I am knows well the stress of watchfulness, secrets, and not knowing whom to choose. That all these things might exist in the lives of children of divorce, in addition to the different homes and family members, the traveling, the aloneness, and so much more, made me sad. But what brings a measure of hope is that this book now exists and will be read. In addition to listening and retelling what life is like for children of divorce, Marquardt addresses the subject of their spiritual and religious struggles and their particular moral quandaries. It is uncommon, even in religious education literature, to specifically consider children of divorce. I am grateful to learn from Marquardt's book about the lives of approximately one-fourth of the children I have worked with in the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd approach to the religious formation of 3 to 12 year olds. How humbly appreciative I now will be when they come, and in particular when they desire a relationship with God. Shortly after finishing this book, I saw the movie "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." To think that only a week earlier I might have more casually considered the struggle of the young character "Carmen," a child of divorce, whose father picks her up at the airport for the summer and "surprises" her with a different home, imminent marriage, and three unknown-to-Carmen household members. This is certainly an eye-opening book for couples, engaged or married; for parents; for educators; for social workers and health professionals; for pastors, chaplains, catechists, and anyone in church ministry; and for the grown children of divorce who deserve a much deeper understanding than church or society has given them. Tina Lillig, National Director, Catechesis of the Good Shepherd

Between Two Worlds is a breathtaking book - well written, well-researched, and powerful. This Christmas I am going to buy a copy for each of my siblings, step-siblings, half-siblings, and all of my cousins who have divorced parents. Anyone who has contact with children should make this book REQUIRED READING. With divorce epidemic in our society, there is no doubt that many of these children have divorced parents. And married couples with children, especially those who are unhappy and contemplating divorce as an option, should read this book before making a final decision. If you are a child of divorce, take a deep breath and prepare for some pain, but do read Between Two Worlds; you will find yourself writ large in this book of surpassing authority. This is no memoir - it is based on sound research, and draws from many sources to back up all general statements - but Ms. Marquardt uses the clever technique of writing in the first person plural, which gives the book an immediacy and depth no mere survey conclusions could approach. I am a child of divorce, age 43 and happily married with three children. Until I read Between Two Worlds, not one single person in my entire experience (except other shell-shocked children of divorce) could believe or imagine what I went through, and so they didn't. And the children of divorce almost never talk about it because it is just too painful. It has taken me all the energy I have to create a positive life for myself and my children. I simply do not have the energy to re-examine the past. It's a good thing that Ms. Marquardt did, because it's about time people started to take a close look at how children feel about divorce. Maybe Between Two Worlds will be the turning point for our sociologists, psychologists, school counselors, etc. who need to take off their blinders and look at how divorce rips children apart. About Ms. Marquardt being biased; sure she is biased - and that bias is the very thing that makes her ideas on the subject so insightful. Only an insider could know which questions to ask. Going forward from here, maybe some psychologists from intact families will be able to do effective research on the subject, but she got the ball rolling by asking all the right questions. We have a long way to go to fully understand the impact of divorce, but this book changes the focus of the debate on divorce to where it rightly belongs - on the thousands (dare I say millions?) of innocent children who are impacted by it.