Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real

It is wonderful to learn a non-violent language that helps to end mis-communication. So many times our best intentions aren't good enough and we are misunderstood. This book helps to set us on the path to being genuine and be able express ourselves in ways that can be heard

This was one of the recommended readings in the back of my Nonviolent Communication Book. I got it and couldn't stop reading it. I consider myself a nice and reliable person and sometimes I got "sucked" into doing things for people that I really didn't want to, but had to/did it because I knew they need it. After reading this book, I have found my happy medium. I can address my needs as well as theirs and be okay with doing it or not doing it and be guilt free with my decision(s). I even gave a few of my friends copies of this book to help them "Be Real".

Being Genuine is simply stated, one of the best books I have read all year. It very clearly and effectively conveys a process for communicating with others in a genuine and non-judgmental way. Thomas D'Ansembourg is a student of Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication Process but rather than simply restating Rosenberg's principles, he enhances and adds a new dimension to non-violent communication based on his experience as a psychotherapist and youth counselor. Anyone who learns and practices his four simple steps will quickly discover that their everyday communication becomes clearer, less judgmental and less conflictual because they are taking responsibility for their feelings and actions and creating a space to connect. I have never come across an easier way to show people how they can get their needs met without fear of conflict. Originally published in France in 2001, the English translation has only recently been published in North America. As D'Ansembourg cares deeply about the language he uses, the book is beautifully and elegantly written, a joy to read with a terrific translation. He wears several hats at appropriate times in the book. As a psychotherapist he delves into the psychology of why and how we become disassociated from ourselves. Being nice is a function of neglecting our needs, of not listening to ourselves so we can fulfill the needs of others. As a philosopher, D'Ansembourg examine larger theoretical issues of the individual in society and the meaning and value we place on language. As a coach, he is gentle and thoughtful but persistent as he guides us through our confusion and anxiety with practical, easy to follow steps and appropriate actions. As one who reads a lot of self help books (and contributed to the genre) I am happy to say that this book is a cut above the rest. The principles he outlines are so basic and so crucial to good communication, every child should be taught them at an early age. He makes the point that if a fraction of military budgets were devoted to teaching communication skills, there would be fewer conflicts and less crimes of aggression. So go our priorities. The basic problem is more of us are taught to `be nice' rather than to be genuine. The result is that we grow up servicing the needs of others and even when we know something is wrong, we lack the language and the skills to be our authentic selves. As a coach I see this "servicing" behavior all too often. Having a resource like Being Genuine makes my task of transforming clients easier. I can best describe Being Genuine as a highly readable manual of authentic communication, full of examples, theory and genuine warmth. D'Ansembourg describes the four steps: Observation: We are reacting to something we observe, we hear, or we're saying to ourselves Feeling: The above observation generates within us one or more feelings. Need: The feelings guide us to our needs. Request: Aware now of our needs, we can make a request or implement c

I can't say enough about how wonderful this book is and how helpful it has been in my line of work. What a breath of fresh air. I found this material to provide the clarity and understanding I was looking for and very easy to read. I even bought a copy for the staff to start reading with the hopes of some changes within the system I work in. Right now I am starting with myself.

I bought this book after reading Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication. I enjoyed Rosenberg, but said, hey, if I started talking like this people will think I've lost my mind. And, to be honest, Rosenberg does spend a bit too much time painting himself as super-facilitator-to-breakthrough in his book. D'Ansembourg falls into this trap himself in recreating conversations (one point, the person he's speaking to does not respond, and the text reads 'obviously moved'), but nowhere near as often. So, the big question is: is this NVC all over again, just translated from French? Yes, and no. D'Ansembourg is a big believer in NVC, but his approach is a bit more pragmatic. Instead of talking out all of the steps of NVC, D'Ansembourg recommends thinking them through both for yourself and the other person. He also goes into the finer points of creating reasonable requests, the fact that people sometimes just need recognition (to be *heard*) more than anything else, and how 'being nice' backfires both in one's relationships and in one's head. It builds off of Rosenberg's work, and adds a level of social consciousness and personal responsibility that Rosenberg touched on. D'Ansembourg goes into detail. He's obviously committed to this program, and offers his own insights and experiences with NVC. It's a deep book that bears re-reading, or at least re-browsing. If I had to do it all over again, I'd do what I did: Rosenberg, and then this. It's the next step in turning one's communication skills from getting what one wants (peace, security) to giving what the world needs. A lovely book.