Becoming Myself: Living Life to the Fullest After Losing Your Parents

A review of Becoming Myself: Living life to the fullest after the loss of your parents written by Shari Butler, Ph.D. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2003. 224 pp. ISBN 0-07-138766-8. $14.95 (Soft cover). Reviewed by Barbara Rubel, author, But I Didn't Say Goodbye: For parents and professionals helping child suicide survivors and the 30 hour course book for nurses, Death, Dying, and Bereavement: Providing compassion during a time of need. To contact the reviewer: www.griefworkcenter.com In Becoming Myself: Living life to the fullest after the loss of your parents, Shari Butler presents an in-depth look at what it means to be an adult orphan. In her opening statement, Butler says, "Whatever unique path you take through the stages of life-from infancy through adolescence and adulthood - you learn, inevitably, that development brings both the excitement and joy of gain and the sorrow and difficulty of loss as part of its very nature." The process of grief stems from a lifetime of losses from infancy to old age. Becoming Myself is an interesting compilation of personal stories and scenarios that outline the journey grieving adult children take in search of living life to the fullest after the death of their parents. This book tackles a subject largely unrepresented in literature but particularly relevant to many of today's bereaved. The purpose of the book is to provide insight by looking at life after the death of one's parents. The book is divided into eight chapters. Chapter one, Rediscovering Yourself, begins with the griever's vulnerability. The author explores letting go of the past, learning to live without one's mother and father, and identifying unresolved issues with parents. This chapter provides the underpinnings for all that follow as it looks at the meaning of having no parents. Chapter 2, The Quality of Parental Relationships, is particularly valuable for those who want to look at the closeness of the relationship shared with one's parents. The author does an excellent job of explaining factors that affect the degree of one's loss. She explains the concept of hardiness as committing to one's grief; seeing the grief process as a challenge, accepting all the feelings and thoughts as important, and accepting the challenge of self-discovery by believing in one's self and one's right to be fully happy and joyful. In chapter 3, The Self Explodes: Reclaiming the Self, the author pays special attention to the importance of personal growth. Butler explores selfhood from childhood and addresses parent's role as well as the roles within the family. She also addresses milestones as one integrates the loss of one's parents into one's life. The author maintains that "The loss of parents is different from any other loss." However, the author does not explore sudden losses such as suicide, homicide, or car crashes. She does not identify the complicated bereavement of adult children bereaved by these types of losses. The author co

Shari Butler did a wonderful job in this book to help people who have lost their parents learn how to transform grief and sadness into embracing your gifts, transforming tragedy into new-found personal triumphs, as well as "owning" positive qualities that your parents had, and how you can incorporate the best they had into your life. Guided with wonderful exercises, encouragement, and compassion from someone who has been there herself, this book will help you to move forward, and keep the best of your parent alive with you as you grow and bloom into everything you came into this life to be. Highly recommended!

This book spoke to me with clear and percise honesty. i am an orphan...both parents dead while I was still young. But, I had also come from an abusive home as well so there was mixed guilt involved. I missed my parents, and yet glad at the same time that "one" of them is gone. The guilt of trying to learn to live without the thumb on my head was difficult. This book has made it possible to leanr to live and trust and actually grow as a human.It is a must read...I also want to mention for those looking for other self healing,memoir style books: Nightmares Echo, Sickened,Running With Scissors.Delilah Shadow, a somewhat reviewer but avid Non Fiction reader