Becoming Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance

In Becoming Gay, Isay explores the journey to self-acceptance of the homosexual man, drawing upon his illuminating experiences as a psychoanalyst working with quite a variety of individuals: adolescents, middle-aged, elderly, closeted, proud, married... In each case study, Isay promotes an internal acceptance that can be turned into a positive sexual identity that will improve the well-being and happiness of the individual. The book is thorough and well-researched; you can really trust his ideas. Isay's writing style is impassioned but also careful and academic. It is clear when he is speaking as a scientist versus when he is speaking about his personal journey and personal opinions. In the final chapter on opposing institutional basis, in which he relates his fight against the homophobic hiring practices and applied theories (such as converting homosexuals into heterosexuals) of the American Psychoanalytic Association, Isay proves himself to be a hero for the gay man. It is a truly gripping conclusion to a heroic book. At first the discussion of his psychoanalytical work may not seem immediately practical to the general gay man. However, I feel that the benefit is very real, albeit indirect. I am a college student who very recently decided to come out as a gay man, and I bought this book to help me with this process. Through reading it, I found myself recalling suppressed memories and feelings and coming to better understand how being closeted throughout my childhood and adolescence affected my feelings of self-worth. It was only through reading the psychological analyses of real patients that Isay worked with that I was able to come to grips with aspects of my own experience. I strongly recommend this book to any gay man--or anyone who knows a gay man--to gain a better understanding of this difficult process.

Though I have never met him, after reading this book, I felt that Richard Isay must be kind man. Like his other book, Being Homosexual, also a good and quick read, he offers short histories and good observations, gently made. While I am personally intrigued by the current academic debates, and the history of Freudian theory which preceded it, in both of which Isay has made his own mark, I cannot help but be grateful that wherever the truth may lie, Isay and his advice are both supportive and practical.

I was born in Poland and had to deal with not only coming to America and facing the prejudices of being an immigrant, but I was a homsexual. Like most men in my situation I hid my identity to my friends and family. After reading this book it made me feel good about myself and who I am. I am now open with my family and even more importantly open with myself. This book made me feel better about who I am and my life is now the best I could of ever possibly imagined. For this I thankyou Richard A. Isay and for you amazing eye-opening book.

I was initially put off by the title thinking it was leavingitself open for the 'are they trying to recruit people into becominggay' argument but when I read the book I got the intention: we are gay (or straight, bi, whatever) but in our society we need to fight against the prejudice and hatred that stops us from allowing ourselves to become gay in our identities in our everyday lives. I recently was talking with a gay man I went to high school with who is in the armed forces and although he is gay (in terms of his sexual orientation) his identity is heterosexual in that no one knows he's gay, he has no relationships, and is not connected to other gay people. This book would help someone love themselves and accept who they are.

Richard Isay represents a therapist with an empathetic voice whose own struggle with sexuality extended over a period of many frustrating years. Fortunately, he understands that given the choice no man would have chosen to be gay. Therefore, there is no psychoanalytical cure. The only alternative is for men to find self-acceptance within their particular sets of circumstances. Isay wisely advises men not to make rash judgments about coming out. Instead, he argues that there are many reasons for the closet, particularly those constructed by heterosexually married gay men. This book is a must read for all therapists, both straight and gay. It is also a must read for anyone who wants to understand the problem of self-acceptance for gay men.