Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies

I had always been ashamed of my secret wants in intimate relationships--now I understand why I have them, what they mean and most importantly I no longer feel the shame I associated with them. AROUSAL should be required reading before someone starts dating or enters a sexual relationship. I wish I had this guide in college.

I found "Arousal" to be a fascinating analysis of sexual fantasies. Through the use of case studies - the feminist whose biggest turn-on was the idea of being be raped by a custodian, the man whose fantasies involved turning invisible, the fellow who imagined having sex with a bubbly, underage highschool student, and many more - Bader ably demonstrates how a psychoanalyst who is sensitive and open-minded might go about understanding the genesis of a patient's sexual fantasies and turning these insights into something of therapeutic benefit. Each of the fantasies profiled has a very logical premise that Bader explains clearly and believably. For instance, the feminist fantasized about being raped because she felt stronger than most men, and only in the arms of the fantasy rapist - who was all muscles and ruthless about taking what he wanted - could she just think about herself and surrender to her own excitement. With her own husband, she didn't feel nearly as comfortable about being selfish sexually (she was instinctively sensitive to his feelings), and thus didn't experience the same level of arousal as in her fantasies. Bader makes an interesting distinction - between people who have fantasies, and people who act on their fantasies. I would have enjoyed seeing him go into greater detail in this area. However, his explorations regarding the background of various common fantasies - domination, submission, masochism, sadism, fetishism, underage, invisibility (and myriad others) - more than make up for this lapse.This book is wonderful for anyone who is curious about the underpinnings of their fantasies, or who is interested in how a psychoanalyst might dissect those same fantasies (and then put that understanding to work). The book is fascinating, provocative and well worth checking out.

I was fortunate already to be familiar with Dr. Bader's academic writings. The same qualities of original thought, humor, and pragmatism are featured in this book for a general audience. Among clinicians, Dr. Bader is best known for his ability to wade skillfully into highly philosophical debates and drag theoreticians back towards a focus on helping people with their struggles. In this book, he ventures into areas of shame and secrecy and once again finds perpectives that are useful, accepting and liberating.

The best teachers - and the best psychotherapists - have a way of making the most profound and original insights seem inevitable, as if you were just on the verge of thinking them yourself. Dr. Bader is clearly among their number. His central thesis, that sexual fantasies are a search for safe conditions to experience arousal, gave me that "of course" reaction. But that reaction was the result of his lucid discussion of how we grow up as we do and, of course, his vivid case studies. The result is not only to think about sex, but about everything in life and about how worrying about others (unconsciously) can interfere with getting the pleasures we all want. I've paid big money to see people face to face and gotten less grist for introspection that I got from reading this book.

Haven't we all been with people who have sexual fantasies about which we haven't a clue as to why they turn them on? Like a former boyfriend who made me dress up in the classic, Catholic Girls School uniform: white knee socks, short, pleated skirt, white school blouse and white cotton underpants--and then he would put me over his knee, pull them down and spank me! He was so scrumptious (and, may I add 18 years younger) and it was such a turn on for him that I began to like it! But, have even a clue as to why it had to be part of his sexual foreplay--not until I read AROUSAL, psychoanalyst Dr. Michael J. Bader's riveting account of how our sexual fantasies evolve from our childhood traumas in order to make having sex seem ok and safe. Nancy Friday says it much better than I: AROUSAL represents an important advance in psychoanalytic thinking about sexual fantasies. Using case studies from his own practice, Michael Bader argues convincingly that our sexual fantasies are neither kinky nor perverse but are driven by the desire for pleasure and safety. As AROUSAL makes clear, "Sex begins in the mind, and travels downward." With case study after case study, taken from Bader's practice, we begin to understand why domination and submission play such an integral part in so many couples lovemaking. A must read for anyone practicing sex."