After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

Learning of my husband of 35 year's infidelity to me was the greatest shock of my life, bar none. He had an illustrious 32 year military career as a chaplain and was never unfaithful to me even though there was a great deal of traveling and being in tempting situations. I have always loved him with all my heart and absolutely trusted him completely. Even he is at a loss to explain how this situation came about; we both think he temporarily lost his mind in the chemical bath of lust and deceit. His affair lasted two months and was with a co-worker who is four years older than our son. I never saw this coming at all, I thought he was stressed out or perhaps in a depression. We are both going to seperate therapists and hope to eventually go to marriage couseling together. In the meantime, this book has been an absolute sanity saver for me. I have recommended it to my counselor! There have been moments when it was almost unbearable to read the reality being spelled out on its pages. I would put it down, have a good cry, walk around the block and then pick it up again to start over. The searing pain to my psyche and soul have been immeasurable, but learning that what I am experiencing is normal and that I am not unique in this gut-wrenching hell of an experience has been a balm to my soul. BUY THIS BOOK! It will assist a great deal in helping you to understand what is happening to you and what you can do about it.My husband couldn't understand why I have been so overcome with fear and terror. Practically the first pages of the book, under "Discovery", lay out every feeling I was experiencing and emphasized fear three times in the list of emotions experienced. He had an "aha" experience when he read that. By the way, although I am do believe I am blameless in my husband's choices, it has been helpful and useful to begin examing the dynamics of our marriage. I am going on faith alone that we will come out of this with a better marriage, which seems unbelievable at this point, however my therapist assures me that she has seen MANY couples reach that point, although it is down a very long, long road and after lots of hard work. The book helps you know where to start and how to navigate. I am so grateful it is available!! Also, this has been the one book my husband has been willing to read, even if only in paragraphs and sections. It has led to some helpful discussions between us. Lastly, peace to all who come this way--it is needed.

Four weeks ago, I was told that my husband had an affair. We have been married 25 years, have two children and have survived financial crisis, emotional upheaval, death of parents, and all the other usual crises that come with a long-term relationship. For all of this adversity, I never believed my husband was capable of having an affair with another woman. The affair lasted six years and was an on and off again relationship. Perhaps had it been more intense, it would have ended sooner. He says he spent the last two years of the relationship trying to separate himself from her. But he didn't want to hurt her, and didn't think I would ever find out. He never told me. The husband of his lover did. It was a chance encounter that brought it up. He thought I knew. Now it has been six years since they have been together, but for me it has just begun. I never saw the signs, at least if I did, I denied they were there. I just thought they were friends. After I found out and confronted him, he confirmed what I heard. He's sorry and has been working for the past six years to repair the damage he caused. I knew things were better in our relationship, but didn't know why. For the past four weeks I have felt like a zombie. I'm not eating or sleeping, am easily distracted and felt like my world is falling apart. Our children don't know, but it's hard, because I don't want to tell anyone. I feel like I am drowning in grief, engulfed in a sadness and emptiness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The self-hatred and loathing I felt for myself and still feel at times is without limit. This book has given me knowledge that I am not alone, that others have experienced this and worse, and that I will survive. I keep it with me and when the feelings of pain and self-hatred emerge, begin to read. I've seen what hell looks like, and can't go there anymore. This book is truly helping me regain my sense of self and giving me a path which is guiding me out of this. My husband has not seen his lover in six years intimately. She has emailed him and called him at the office begging him to leave me and begin a new life with her. Prior to my finding out, he made the decision to leave the relationship and work to repair the damage he caused to ours. He went to a counselor who told him not to tell me. The book is helping him understand why he did what he did and is giving him the means to work on communicating this to me. He also understands how devestating it was for me to hear about it from his lover's husband. I read the first chapter and wrote notes in it to him about how I felt. He read the second chapter and wrote notes letting me know what was true for him and what was not an issue. We are both using the rest of it to discuss what happened, what we need and to learn how to have a better relationship in the future. Words can't express how helpful this book has been for both of us. We are both shocked about what happened, but with time, pati

What I never thought would happen, happened. I discovered my spouse was having an affair. It ended immediately. For my spouse, deep regret, shame, remorse, and humiliation set in. For me, anger, grief, disbelief, and an 'avalanche of losses', including the sweet memories of our marriage ceremony......gone. We went through what I call 'post-affair hell' for some time. Five months into recovery and working with a wonderful marriage therapist, I came upon this book. We began reading it ever so slowly, one chapter at a time on weekend mornings. (We even bought a huge cushy chair-and-a-half with lots of pillows to sit and read together, cuddle, talk, connect, recover and heal in.) This book made so much sense to us. It shed light on the truth of what happened and why. The affair was put in it's place......a big fat mistake. It became increasingly clear to my spouse what non-substance that illicit 'love' was based on. When you don't even know each other, it's basically a lot of hormones and self-suggestion."After the Affair" helped bring back into focus what true lasting love is, the gift of a lifetime, and the importance of work and commitment in order to maintain it. We are still recovering, but are so glad to have survived this crisis and kept our family together.

My wife was sleeping in the guest room up to two months after my affair was exposed. She would lock the door and not utter one word to me. i was concerned for her health because she was acting so distant and she was staring out into space and i wasnt sure if she was capable of handling the stress for too much longer. i was so afraid i wrote a two page letter to her father explaining my concern.After she read this book, she came downstairs and said she wanted me to read it. she began to keep her bedroom door open and she began to speak to me in a limited way. she told me the book let her know that she had not gone crazy and things could be worked out after all.i thought my affair was the worst ever and no matter how much i tried there was no way to fix things with my wife. the author includes many real-life examples of people of all ages and professions that have experienced infedelity. it made me see that others have been here too and it showed me that we can fix things and it outlined "the healthiest" ways to do it. i am so happy my wife found this book.

Finally! Something that has given me hope that there is a marital future after an infidelity. This book is a must have for any couples that have been shattered by the revelation of an affair. Even after months of couples therapy I was unable to validate the extreme sense of loss and inadequacy that I felt, let alone find the courage to begin the process of forgiveness. I can't even express the profound sense of peace I found from each part of this book, especially the first chapter in which everything I was feeling and yet unable to say to my husband was put into words for me. Through this book I have been able to find the positive aspect of being given a second chance in my marriage. My husband and I have been able to prioritize and communicate in order to build a more stable relationship. The simple excersises are thought provoking and worth while. In closing, I have already recommended this book to several of the people I know that have been devastated by like experiences. I relate to them the story of the first night I began reading this book and fell asleep with it in my arms crying. Not out of sadness, but a sense of release from my confusion. You won't want to put it down!