Adoption Wisdom: A Guide to the Issues and Feelings of Adoption

Although an adoptive parent for 10 years, I found many new bits of information and sensible comments in this book, compiled by an author and PhD. in family issues who is herself an adoptee. "When I was growing up in the 1950s," she said at a recent adoption conference, "families did not discuss adoption." Children made fun of adoptees, and the notion of looking for birth parents was completely foreign, and taboo. Now, of course, the entire adoption scene has changed radically. Families routinely adopt children and stay in touch with the birth families, allowing their children to communicate and visit with birth families as they grow. For children adopted internationally, of course, the situation is much like it was in the 1950s for Marlou Russell. Particularly for girls from China, the likelihood of ever finding their birth parents is practically nil. So the children grow up with a hole in their hearts, forever wondering about the family they came from, and why they were abandoned. The wonderful thing about this book is that it contains the perspectives, fears and emotions of all three members of the adoption triad-children who were themselves adopted, adoptive parents and birth parents (mostly mothers, but the occasional birth father as well). It makes eminent sense, and it is important for all to know, that all three members of each triad have lost something and gained something. The child has lost their birth family, and the comforts of belonging to a group with whom they share looks, likes and characteristics as well as culture, race and religion. But they have gained a family that can better care for them, ideally one far more stable than the one that was unable to do so. The birth parents have lost the joys of caring for and loving and raising their own, but gained the independence and lack of parental responsibility that their economic and marital circumstances may require. The adoptive parents have (usually, but not always) lost the ability to bear their own biological children, and gained the ability to love and raise another's child as their own. Each one of these triad members carries lifelong wounds, which although they can heal, never disappear. For anyone in the triad who has never thought of adoption from the point of view of the others, this book is a must. For therapists and child-care workers, it is also essential reading. For most participants in the adoption process, it is never possible to "close the door" completely to the pain they suffered. They can heal, certainly, but the loss they suffered that required adoption never goes away. It's like suffering a death in the family. The survivors live on, very often fruitfully, but they never forget. It's my hope that this book will help my adopted child deal with his pain, just as it has helped me cope with mine. --Alyssa A. Lappen

This book offered more insight than anything else I have read concerning adoption. I am a birth mother and glad someone put everyone's thoughts into one book

I am just finishing "Adoption Wisdom". It is probably the best I've read. It should be required reading for all members of the triad. Since my son found me last year, I have read about 20 books and this is one of the few that reaches all of the members. I certainly wish I had read it years ago. Thanks.

I am a birthmother who just found my 21 year old daughter. I was deperately seeking a book that could help me understand all the emotions that I'm going through, and the chain-reaction of events that has happened as a result of my search. I picked up this book, read it from cover to cover at one sitting..unable to put it down. It contains a wealth of information, incredibly well-organized, well-written, and through the view point of all members of the adoption triad. It is neither preachy, text-book like, or self-serving...rather, an honest, heart-felt account of people, who have lived through the pain, joy, confusion and every other emotion that being touched by adoption brings into your life. i highly recommend it!

Adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents voice their experiences of adoption with honest, direct commentary from the author. A well-balanced book. A must read for those involved in adoption and anyone considering adoption.