Adopting After Infertility

September 9, 2000 After three years and two miscarriages I thought I was buying a "how to" book on adoption. What I got was so much more -- a book that helped my husband and I understand and talk about all the losses that come with infertility and what they meant to us. It helped us decide what we would and would't do for treatment and, surprisingly, helped us realize that we weren't ready to adopt yet. It was emotional reading but well worth the effort. I recommend it to everyone -- those just starting on the infertility road, those that would never adopt and those that are ready to do so. I'm grateful that this book came into my life.March 9, 2002It's been a year and a half since writing my first review of this book. I was online tonight ordering more great books about adoption when I remembered writing this review. After all this time Adopting After Infertility still stands as one of the most important books for me in our nearly 5 year journey toward parenthood. I often think of the things we learned by reading this book. In fact, I think that the communication steps we followed in this book became the start of what has been an incredible opportunity to really share our feelings and make decisions at each step along the way that were best for both of us. We slowly learned about and planned for adoption and moved away from the pain of our loss and on to excited expectancy for our yet to be born [adopted] child. I'm grateful to Pat for this book as well as for the book she wrote for families and friends on how to support the adoptive couple. Pat also had an impact in my life by responding to a question I emailed to her about adopting and then adding a bioligical child to our family later. A positive and insightful reply showed up in my inbox less than a day later. The adoption process to date has been an emotional one, easier in some ways and more difficult in other ways than we could ever have imagined. I still recommend this book to everyone I know, including two men that I work with who, with their wives, have been experiencing the same kind of emptyness and pain over their infertility losses that we once felt so keenly. Well worth reading along with two others that meant a lot to me, "The Open Adoption Experience" and "Dear Barbara, Dear Lynne". Best wishes.

While struggling with infertlity and depression, this book changed my outlook and the direction of my life. It gave me new hope. Each chapter mirrored exactly what I was experiencing from infertility and put everythin into perspective. You will find information about all the losses you are experiencing, how to decide on posible solutions with your partner and all the aspects that involve choosing adoption. Even though my husband and I had talked about the possibility of adopting, we discovered we were not ready yet and that we had to deal with several issues first and make our relationship strong again before making this important decision. My sister who is also infertile read the book and now she is about to adopt a baby who will be born in July. This book has been extremely helpful for the whole family. We live in Costa Rica and there is ZERO literature or support groups here. Thank God for the internet and all the useful resources it provides. Even if you are barely considering the option of adoption or even if you are just starting to deal with infertility, you should read this book (and later give it to your partner, your family and your friends).

This is by far the best book that I have read concerning adoption. It neither glamorizes or dramaticizes the process, but offers an examination of very thought provoking issues about the adoption process and about adoption throughout the lifespan. One of the most thought provoking aspects of the book is the part that deals not with adoption but with the task of resolving the losses surrounding infertility. The book takes some very bold steps in speaking the truth of couples touched by this devastating problem and in helping them to move through the losses to the point of becoming able to embrace adoption as the best option. I will always cherish this book and the way that it helped my husband and me to navigate through a lifechanging experience.

This book was required reading for the adoption agency we are going through in Dallas, Texas. And I am so glad that it was! The book is partitioned into three parts: 1) Dealing with infertility 2) Making your adoption plan 3) Raising children in a family built by adoption. The first part really helped my husband and I discuss and integrate the losses we have been feeling since our diagnosis of infertility. The second part helped us define our wants, needs, and emotions regarding our choices in adoption. And the third part will be helpful on our lifelong journey of learning how to be parents of adopted children. After experiencing infertility, we definitely appreciated the author's calm, rationale process and frank style in communicating about these very emotional issues. It gave words to some issues that we hadn't yet defined, but were definitely feeling.

This is by far and away the best book to start with if you are thinking of adoption, and I recommend picking it up very early in your experience of infertility, even if you are fairly certain you don't want to adopt, because it will help you think the issues through. First, what it isn't: a how-to explaining whom to call and what documentation to assemble. These practicalities can vary so much depending on where you live, when you are adopting and what kind of arrangement you're seeking, that kind of book would be out of date at once. And what good would they have done me, out here in Hong Kong? This book, instead, addresses all sorts of questions you wouldn't dare ask Social Services or maybe even your mother: does the amount of pain I still feel about my infertility mean I'm not ready to adopt? Is there something mean or wrong with my character if I don't want to adopt a disabled child? What about adopting across race or culture? What if I adopt and then get pregnant, how can I mix my family in this way? Is love something I can just turn on like a tap for any child, or where do I learn it? I found this book immensely consoling because it cut through a lot of the hypocrisy and consoling platitudes that people seem to smother you with when you're suffering from infertility. It helped to decide whether I should try to adopt, and gave me courage for the journey. Just knowing there were people out there who knew how I might feel made everything much less frightening and unthinkable.